Meankitty Bad Libs: Adventurous Me

DeanndraHall_AdventurousMe_300x450Recently I had the wet sensation of reading ADVENTUROUS ME by Deanndra Hall. You may not be surprised to learn that I, as a cat of incredibly discriminating taste, do not like wet sensations. Not on my fur, not on my paws. Granted, I like to see puddles of wetness, like when I knock over the human’s water glass, but I don’t like the sensation of it on me. Blech. But you, being a human, may LIKE wet sensations. Because humans are weird like that.

So, normally I read lot of haiku, except I call it catku, and I have included a favorite one to amaze and surprise you. Great, huh? (see below) Anyway, this erotic romance was a precious change of pace. You might think haikus are more precious than erotic romances, but it really taught me to evaluate my complete and total hatred of wet sensations, and that was precious to me, because before that I was iffy.

In some ways ADVENTUROUS ME reminded me of the story of Hiawatha (who spent some time canoeing on a WET river) except with adult characters faced with skillfully homely situations. It takes great talent to be as homely as these humans were, let me assure you! Part of their great adventure was seeing what life would be like when they were that skillfully homely.

The book starts off with Trish and Dave wearing their skillfully homely masks and faced with a greasy challenge. I imagined their challenge was a lot like chasing an oiled piglet through a pig pen, something I myself would never do because that sounds even worse than being wet. Both characters behave spitefully about this. I mean, who wants to be greasy and chase pigs? Not me! So yeah, spite. Granted, I can respect a good dose of spite when warranted, and I feel theirs was.

When Steffan is introduced, in a scene involving pole vaulting–probably his big idea of how to get ahead in the ‘chase the greased piglet’ race, the plot really starts to get pathetic. These three humans, just chasing and chasing a pig. No Deliverance jokes or anything. Yeah, the pig was squealing, but you would, too, if two skillfully homely humans and one with this huge pole were chasing you around after coating you with grease.

Oh, here’s that catku.

catkusunbeam3

On the plus side, Steffan is tastefully no Justin Bieber. I’ve heard that Justin character on the radio, and his voice hurts my ears. And don’t even get me started about Clint. The involvement of Clint in the narrative will leave readers motionless. They’ll just sit there, reading and reading and thinking, “Man, I have to go to the bathroom but I’m too lazy and motionless, all because of Clint.” The story wastefully continues until it seems all banjos are lost — but I SWEAR, there are zero Deliverance jokes — and the ending will shave you. And probably the pig too. The pace was like riding in a Ford Fairline with a driver who is honest about what a crappy driver he is, like, “Hey, I’m going to drive right through that pothole now!” and “Watch me sideswipe this telephone pole!” on a road that winds through and across a large berm. Watch your heads, friends, the book goes from wet to greasy to pathetic to bumpy and you can’t do anything about it due to Clint and his motionless effect.

If you are looking for a way to spend 17 minutes and 48 seconds, this book is definitely an option. Probably go to the bathroom first, though. The characters and plot are so tubular compared to other books on the market today. The poles uses in pole vaulting are also tubular, so you see, it’s a theme. Granted, the feline content in the book was 491, which is code for HA HA HA, but no (human) author is completely bright. All in all, a clumsy tale about haughtiness (a lot like spite, yay!), cow tipping (and pig chasing) and rickets. You will not be silly if you pick this one up! You’ll just be motionless.

Rating: 2 jingly balls and an ancient kumquat. The kumquat, in fact, has been under the couch for 2 years, when I stole it off the table and knocked it there.

**

Sincerely,

Meankitty and her Greasy Typist

www.meankitty.com  * www.jodywallace.com

My Writing Process — Blog Tour!

Step one: Acknowledge the person & site that involved you in the blog tour.

That would be the awesomely furry (because she lives with pets) Angela Campbell! You can find her books that dutifully include cats here: http://www.angelacampbellonline.com/

Step two: Answer the 4 questions below about your writing process.

1) What am I working on?

Two things. No, three. Well, a bunch of things, but as far as new words are concerned, three things. One, the sequel to my science fiction romance ANGELI, which I’ve contracted with Entangled Publishing. Two, the next book after STALKING EVAN, which I’ve contracted with Meankitty Publishing (yes, that would be with myself). Three, a secret project with Heather Massey of The Galaxy Express, because everyone always talks about working on secret projects and I was jalus.

2) How does my work differ from others of its genre?

I’m going to pretend like this means the things I’m working on RIGHT NOW instead of some general philosophical statement, because I just found a huge cat pee stain on my mom’s futon which EVERYONE in the family thinks is not there but I can smell it, so I’m not in a philosophical mood. The ANGELI sequel is different because my post-apocalyptic world setting doesn’t have any zombies or motorcycle gangs. The Felidae story is different because my heroine and hero don’t realize there is a whole other world of shapeshifters out there and don’t even KNOW about the rules. And my secret project with Heather is different because I can’t tell you.

3) Why do I write what I do?

I like to lie without it reflecting on my moral character or leading my children astray.

4) How does your writing process work?

Are the kids around? If yes, it does not work. Are the kids at school? If yes, I fuel myself on coffee and peanut butter sandwiches and type my words in like a crazed beast before they get off the bus.

Step Three: Say who is on next week – give a 1-2 line bio and link to their website.

First, go visit Shawna Thomas today, who is posting about her process! She’s is a writer with an adoring and gorgeous husband, seven active children, a day job, huge backyard and penchant for ordering too many flowers from catalogs. You could say she never learned how to juggle with her head in the clouds. Her debut novel, ALTERED DESTINY, won an RT Reader’s Choice award 2012. Visit her blog at http://authorshawnathomas.blogspot.com.

Next week you need to….

1. Go see Veronica Scott, she of the ancient Egyptian romances and the science fiction romances! Her bio: “Best Selling author and “SciFi Encounters” columnist for the USA Today Happily Ever After blog, Veronica Scott grew up in a house with a library as its heart. Dad loved science fiction, Mom loved ancient history and Veronica thought there needed to be more romance in everything.”

2. Go see Petra Grayson, an avid reader buddy I’ve made on Twitter who may soon dive into the writing side of publishing. Her bio: “Petra Grayson reads romance novels and writes reviews whenever life allows it. She’s very spoiled in her house full of men and keeps busy working out, volunteering, and trying to remember what life was like as an engineer. She tries to write stories when things are quiet but so far they contain too much sex and not enough talk. Find her on Twitter at: https://twitter.com/LietoFine7 or check out her blog http://theoryoflietofine.blogspot.com.”

3. Go see Jeanne Hardt, who writes historical romance and is the president-to-be of my local RWA chapter. Her bio: “Jeanne Hardt first thought she would be a famous singer until she dreamed that a college professor challenged her to write a romance set in turbulent times. When she woke up…she did! Four books and a couple years later, her dream professor is still inspiring her to pursue publishing.”

4. Go see DT Dyllin, who writes paranormal romance and loves dogs. Her bio: “D.T. Dyllin is a Bestselling Romance Author who writes in both New Adult and Adult genres. She is a member of the RWA (Romance Writers of America) and also her local chapter, the MCRW (Music City Romance Writers).”

Cattification: Meowder Comes Ashore by Julie Anne Lindsey

A book that takes place on an island…about humans being murdered. Clearly Meankitty owes it to the very nice human who contacted her, Julie Anne Lindsey, to show her an example of how cats make every book better! First check out the original, catless version of the book Murder Comes Ashore. Then feast your eyes on this…

Persian Price is just settling into her new life as resident counselor on the all-feline Cattietigg Island when things take a sudden turn for the canine. A collection of dog squeaky toys and empty cat food cans have washed up on shore, and suddenly nothing feels safe on the quaint island. Somebody is eating all the best food…and possibly preparing to turn this kitty-only paradise into a dog park!

Persian instinctively turns to current earlicking crush and FBI (Feline Bureau of Investigation) special agent Sebastian TomJerry for help, but former flame Abyssinian is also on the case, hoping that solving the grody canine crime will land him free tuna for life in the upcoming mayoral election.

When the empty can count rises and dogs are being spotted in all sorts of places on the island, all the cats are stressed and coming to Persian for counseling and help. Then Persian’s human staff members are brought in as suspects for who might be dogging up the island. Could her can opening human and her typist really be sabotaging Cattietigg? Or have they been framed?

Because she fears her can opening human will be taken from her, Persian is spurred to begin her own investigation. It’s not long before she starts receiving terrifying threats from a secret dog lover group as well as visits from a smelly stray pooch by the name of Bosco. Though she’s determined to clear her humans’ name, it seems the closer Persian gets to finding answers, the closer she comes to being the dog lover’s next victim.

And if she can’t stop the canine guerilla group, she’ll have to live on the same island…and in the same house…with DOGS.

***

You’re welcome.

Meankitty & Human Typist
www.meankitty.com * www.jodywallace.com

Cat pictured: Abbott from Angela Campbell’s On The Scent.

Cattification: Ravensblood by Shawna Reppert

The book Ravensblood by Shawna Reppert was released in December 2013. It’s about humans who like ravens. Now, I don’t think the eat the ravens, which was kind of a disappointment to discover, because ravens seem like they might be pretty meaty. Thus we have undertaken the project of making this book more tempting to readers and cats with a little cattification action.
 
As always, with our cattifications, we urge you to inspect the original before savoring the delights of the claw job we have done on this author’s cover and blurb…
 



In a life of limited food choices when sometimes dry kibble is the best you can get, can a dark house cat oust the neighborhood dog and save the world?

Catwyn Ravenscoffed. (Likes: eating, string, sometimes eating string, and catnip. Hates: dogs, being wet, not getting to go outside) The last heir of an ancient pride of dark cats, he holds the secret to recreating the Ravensbreast, a legendary magical recipe of immense deliciousness.

Hissandra Greensfur (Likes: yowling at the moon, hunting mice, taunting indoor cats. Hates: dogs, being wet, having to live inside) is a Guardian of the Yard. Magical law enforcement for the elected feline council—and Catwyn’s former housemate and lover. She is trying to live down her embarrassing past of being a housecat. And then her past comes to the yard, asking for her to move back indoors.

As a youth, Catwyn wanted to be a Guardian of the Yard but was rejected because of his declawed status and allergy to flea medication, necessitating his being kept indoors at all times. In his pride and his anger, he had turned to Willhound, the darkest and most powerful dog mage of their neighborhood. Willhound wants a return to the old ways, where the most powerful dog was ruler absolute—even over cats! And certainly over the best bits of tuna and meat. But Willhound would not be a halfway-decent dog from the fairy tales where dogs and cats got along. He would reign in barking and fleas and eating all the best stuff, but also carrion, which he would roll in and bring home on his fur, and that’s totally gross.

Catwyn discovers that he does have a conscience—and a longing to keep the tuna for himself. It’s rather inconvenient, since he knows that damned hog Willhound is not going to share. He becomes a spy for the cat council that Willhound wants to overthrow, with Guardian of the Yard Hissandra as his contact.

Their secret meetings through the glass back door must be kept secret from the beastly Willound. Hiss and Catwyn form a plan to trap the drooling dog outside his warded back yard that has one of those invisible shock fences…never to return. Then they can get down to the business of catching a raven and delicately poaching it for magical good tastes.

But Willhound is one step ahead of the cats, with Catwyn’s life, his tuna, and the secret recipe of Ravensbreast all in danger.

***

Meankitty & the Human Who Types
www.meankitty.com * www.jodywallace.com

Meankitty Wants to Know: Danube Adele

We keep running into authors who are dog people. It’s really sad. But my human is fond of them anyway and has convinced me to allow some of them and their slobbery pets to have space on my blog.

Today’s DOG is named Warick and he belongs (dogs belong…cats own) to author person Danube Adele. Danube’s first romance novel QUICKSILVER DREAMS came out in early January 2014. Something about dreams and sneaking into them. The tagline is, “What would you do if you could suddenly read minds, jump into someone else’s dreams and travel instantly to another planet?” Well, MY answer is that I’d find the right humans to dreamwalk, jump into them, and gain control of the world to make it a better place for felines, but apparently Ms. Adele’s heroine doesn’t do that. Because she’s a human, not a cat.

Anyway, let’s talk to the dog for a bit.

1) So, your human writes books. Are they (a) full of praise and hyped up lies about dogs; or (b) do they contain interesting stories? (If A, interview is over. If B, you may continue.)

She is a very funny human. I try to show her how exciting the life of a dog can be. I jump after squirrels as they race the super-highway of trees in the backyard, bark at the neighbor’s dog through the fence to show it who’s boss, beg for leftovers (especially when I can smell bacon in the air), but she doesn’t write a story about dogs. She writes about other humans, and how they want to rub on each other and have to save lives on different planets or something like that. I give up.

2) If writers are supposed to be so smart, why does your writer have a dog instead of a cat when it’s common knowledge cats are better? Does that mean your writer isn’t very smart?

I convinced my human to let me be her footstool. See, I’m a big, big, Rottweiler puppy (she still calls me her “puppy”, oh, and “puppy-chow” and “stinky” and “chow-hound”). I’m also really cute. She says I have a “Disney” face.

3) So why did your human end up a writer instead of a animal sanctuary owner or something like that?

My human has always been drawn to her imaginary friends. She likes to live in her head and talk to characters who try to convince her to let them come out and play. My other human, the man human, sometimes shakes his head because he doesn’t understand.

4) Does being a writer mean your human is home all day and easy to access? What is her day like?

My human is almost never home! She leaves when the sun is just barely coming out and only gives me my food and a pat on the head before she’s gone. I think she’s a teacher for kids with special needs, but I sure love when she comes home. She sits on the couch with that little electronic square thing on her lap, and I get to sleep under her legs. See, by being right there, I know she’ll reach down and pet me so I can smile up at her with my tongue hanging out. Heaven.

5) As a dog, you’re probably not devious or fascinating, but on the off-chance you do have feline traits, what are your techniques for distracting your human during crucial writing moments?

He-he-he…I let out toxic gas smells that are big, just like me. I can really fill up the room. Or I go bark at the squirrels I see through the windows and really make a racket, which I can do cuz I’m a big Rottweiler boy with a loud bark.

6) What indignities and neglect have you suffered because of your human’s writing career (besides the absence of a cat to properly rule the house)?

Well, I have to walk clear from one end of the house to the other when I want to go outside because my human likes to sit in the front room of the house. Then I have to wait extra time because she needs to get up and come all the way to the back door, too. Sometimes she doesn’t hear me at first, and I have to cross all my legs to hold it.

7) We’ve established your human doesn’t write stories full of hyped up lies about dogs. Tell me about the felines in your human’s fiction. How often do they appear and how big a part do they play?

Well, in QUICKSILVER DREAMS, Taylor lives in an apartment and works two different jobs, so she didn’t want to leave an animal alone for so long. She was trying to do the right thing. But in the next book, DREAMS OF A WILD HEART, she decided to make felines the protectors of the forest, and they are spirit guides for the humans living near their forest. Pretty cool, really.

8) When your human gets together with other writers, do they spend half their time sniffing each other’s butts like dogs do?

They really should! She doesn’t believe me, but you can really learn a lot about someone by sniffing their butt. Sadly, they go to a pub in town, eat hamburgers (without me) and french-fries and have apple ale while they talk. Why do they like to talk so much? What is there to say? Eat, sleep, and poo, then have someone else clean it up. That’s the life.

9) Tell us, from a dog’s POV, about your humans most recent or upcoming publications.

QUICKSILVER DREAMS was just released 1/6/14, and many people have been emailing and posting wonderful feedback. I know this because my human has been on her square electronic box even more than usual. Taylor, the one character, suddenly starts to read minds and go into people’s dreams. Then she meets a man she likes (not a dog) and he has to save her because for some reason someone’s trying to kill her. They end up having to go to another planet. My human is very happy and excited, but I think she would also be happy and excited taking me to the park so I can sniff other dogs’ butts.

10) What is your human’s next project (bonus points if you answer: getting a cat)?

We had a cat*sniff*, but when I first came as a 6 week old puppy, she didn’t like me and left. I was only trying to play with her, but she just hissed and whacked me with her claws on the face. She decided she didn’t want to live with us anymore and started letting a neighbor feed her on another street. Did I do something wrong?

My human is trying to edit DREAMS OF A WILD HEART, BOOK #2 OF THE DREAMWALKER SERIES at the same time that she’s starting to write Book #3, which doesn’t have a title yet.

***

I guess since the human puts cats in her books instead of dogs, we can approve this message :).

Sincerely,

Meankitty & the Typist Human
www.meankitty.com  * www.jodywallace.com

Meankitty Wants to Know: Princess Penelope and Jodi Linton

Author Jodi Linton, who writes contemporary romance, is advised / owned / ruled by a royal feline named Princess Penelope. Supposedly there are things called “cowboys” in some of the human’s books. I find this troubling, especially considering what Penelope reveals below in question 4. Well, I have some suggestions, starting with, “Get rid of the cows and get some cats.”

I mean…cows? Really? Wouldn’t you be more intrigued by “catboys” in books? I know I would.

But it could be worse–could be dogboys, I guess.

1) So, your human writes books. Does this mean he or she is home all day and easy to access? Elaborate if necessary.

Yes. Although, I’m starting to get annoyed by her constant attentiveness toward her *fictionalized* characters rather than giving me back rubs. Not to mention, my mid-morning naps have taken a back a burner. This really irks me.

2) What are your techniques for distracting your human during crucial writing moments, just because it’s fun?

I’m known to throw a crumbles fit.

3) What indignities and neglect have you suffered because of your human’s writing career?

I don’t get as many butt pats.

4) Tell me about the felines in your human’s fiction. How often do they appear and how big a part do they play?

No. To tell the truth, I doubt I’ll ever be in one of Jodi’s books. Sometimes I get bent out of shape about this. And sometimes I just eat to calm my temper.

5) On the off-chance your human has yet to incorporate cats into a story, what are your plans for making sure she rectifies this egregious error and demonstration of poor writing skills?

I have a tendency to eat any and all paper that has been left lying around the house—so my mastermind plan is to leave teeth marks all over Jodi’s printed and complete manuscript until she sees the error of her ways.

6) What works of fiction or cinema involving cats does your human enjoy sharing with you?

Oliver.

7) If you could make one change to your human, what would it be?

That she jumps at my every meow.

8) Are cats bigger in Texas like everything else supposedly is?

Not really. But my belly pouch has gotten bigger. I know. It’s sad.

9) Your human’s bio says she has a history degree. Historically speaking, tell us something awesome about cats.

I was a goddess in a previous life. Yep, that’s right—importance with a capital G! Well, at least the Egyptians seemed to believe so. They worshiped a goddess name Bast, who had a woman’s body and a head of a cat. Try topping that.

10) Your small human changed your name from Penelope to Princess. Are either of these based on books or stories? Which name do you prefer–or is there a very different name you have in mind for your next life?

Nope. She’s just bossy. It’s a problem we’re working through. What else… but *The Queen BI*&H* It’s just how I roll.

Find out more about the author here: Website ~ Twitter ~ Facebook~ Goodreads ~ Tumblr

I think the author could probably use some emails insisting that cats make some significant appearances in her future books for Penelope’s sake. It sounds like the poor, beautiful feline is being sadly neglected, doesn’t it? Her human actually does NOT jump at her every meow, and that should be rectified.

***

Sincerely,

Meankitty & Typist (Jody Wallace)
www.meankitty.com  * www.jodywallace.com

Meankitty Wants to Know: Cats of Cherie Denis

Today I am going to interview the cats who own author Cherie Denis, who is part of my Typing Human’s local RWA chapter, MCRW. The humans have known each other for years! Sounds like the cats would be good to know too.

Lily, the matriarch….
 

1) So, Rose and Lily, I hear your human writes books. Does this mean she is home all day and easy to access? Elaborate if necessary.

Lily: Oh, she’s home, all right, but she’s always so busy. If I rub up against her leg she calls me a good kitty, but she loves Rose best and Rose isn’t even cute like I am.

Rose: Wait just a minute. No one babies me. Well, maybe a little. When I cry really loud Mommy yells at me and then she comes to find me and cuddle me. I can do the same with Grandma and Daddy.

L: See, I told you she’s spoiled.

R: Well, if you want to be cuddled, you have to be less grown up. Leg rubs won’t get you anything other than an ear rub and a “what a good girl you are, Lily”.

2) How large a proportion of her income do you have her devote to your gourmet tuna, cat beds, toys and other basic necessities?

L: Hahaha – what income? Mommy writes every day and has a bunch of books published, but I don’t see any extra money floating around.

R: Remember, Lily, she did make us new beds the other day.

L: Yeah, out of stuff she had around the house.

R: We have tons of toys.

L: Leftovers from their old cats.

R: I like the toys – you’re just picky.

3) What are your techniques for distracting your human during crucial writing moments, just because it’s fun?

L: Obviously, Rose is a crybaby so she gets plenty of attention by crying and distracting Mommy. Rose does it on purpose too.

R: Well, it works, doesn’t it?

L: Humph, I’m not a baby and I refuse to pretend to be one. I just walk to where she’s working and jump on her keyboard and shove until she moves her chair back so I can get some love.

R: Sticking your tongue out at me isn’t ladylike and Mommy made us promise to be nice to each other while we visit with Meankitty.

L: Big baby.

4) What indignities and neglect have you suffered because of your human’s writing career?

L: So far other than Mommy and Daddy bringing home the little black tornado, I’ve been treated really well. Daddy fills our bowls – I guess that means Mommy is too busy to fill them. Hmmmm.

R: No complaints from me. I’m really happy here. Sure beats living at the Animal Control.

L: You idiot, don’t you realize they rescued us both. You’re not special.

R: So you’re admitting we aren’t neglected?

L: I guess. Hisss. I hate it when you’re right.

5) Tell me about the felines in your human’s fiction. How often do they appear and how big a part do they play?

L: Mommy puts a cat in all her stories. She even wrote a book about an alien cat. I think the book was called Kiss Me Baby.

R: Hey, no one told me she wrote about cats. Can I read the book?

L: I suppose when you grow up and learn to read. And, before you ask, no, I’m not teaching you to read.

6) On the off-chance your human has yet to incorporate cats into a story, what are your plans for making sure she rectifies this egregious error and demonstration of poor writing skills?

L: No problem there. Mommy and Daddy both love us. Mommy will always put cats in her stories.

R: Uh, doesn’t she write something called erotic romance?

L: Yes, but she can still put a cat in the story someplace.

R: Okay, if you say so, but Mommy said we’re too young to be reading what she writes. Except for her alien cat story.

7) What works of fiction or cinema involving cats does your human enjoy sharing with you?

L: Mommy reads sexy stories with horses and cowboys – very few have a cat in them. Sometimes there’s a stupid dog, though.

R: Mommy and Daddy don’t watch movies. They do watch TV some nights, but the shows are usually about hunting for a house, a comedy or food. Just boring stuff.

8) If you could make one change to your human, what would it be?

L: I don’t know. She’s very good to us and says we’re her babies. Maybe it would be nice if she didn’t talk baby talk to me anymore. But I put up with it.

R: I love Mommy, but I wish she’d leave my toenails alone. I don’t like having them clipped. Yuck. Daddy has to hold me tight so I won’t run away. It’s terrible.

L: You’ll get used to it, she does it to me all the time. Besides, what are you complaining about? You get a treat afterwards, don’t you?

9) Did your human name a character for you? Or did your human name you after a fictional character?

L: Mommy loves flowers, but she has a brown thumb, so she named us after her favorite flowers.

R: Yeah, I heard Mommy and Daddy almost called me Violet. I just hate that name. I like being Rose.

10) How do you give your writer human new ideas?

L: I don’t know, but I think some of the cats in her stories do play and do silly things.

R: Lily says I can’t read yet, but the way Mommy and Daddy watch me…

L: Hey, I’m here, you know.

R: Okay. They watch us both and laugh so Mommy must get some ideas from us.

****

Sincerely,

Meankitty & the Typist

www.meankitty.com * www.jodywallace.com

Meankitty Wants to Know: Djet from Warrior of the Nile

One of the human’s author friends, Veronica Scott, whose book we so delightfully cattified for her a year or so ago (Pretty Kitty of the Nile), has released another Egyptian book and this time had the good sense to put a cat in it! Obviously we had to interview this cat and get the scoop about Warrior of the Nile.

1) So, nameless cat in Warrior of the Nile (whom I’m going to call “Djet” because reasons…and because the author told me it’s your secret cat name as well as the name of an ancient Pharaoh), what do you look like?

I’m a one-eared black tomcat, proudly wearing my battle scars, won in fights up and down the Nile. No sissy harbor cat is going to beat me. I’ve got one green eye and one yellow eye, sharp teeth and claws like knives. No vermin on my ship!

2) How did you and your human lady love, Tiya, meet?

Pharaoh and the goddess Nephthys send her on a journey to a distant province, where she’s supposed to help the goddess kill some person who’s doing black magic. It’s a fancy, human plot. (Yawns, stretches, pulls his claws on the desk chair.) I could have solved it much more efficiently than with all this mumbo jumbo they were insisting on.

3) Why did you hate Khenet so much? Is it his fault you didn’t have more scenes in the story, which clearly should have been about you saving Tiya from that jerky goddess Nephthys?

Exactly, he was always taking Tiya’s attention away from me, getting her to play board games like senet when she could have been petting me. Or drawing pictures of me. Or letting me eat crumbs from her lunch. And he jumps in the Nile to save someone’s life, which made Tiya worry about him because of the crocodiles – he’s just a showoff. Cats are much more subtle and we expend less unnecessary energy. Let the crocodiles have the water. Too bad they didn’t eat him when they had the chance.

4) How long did you, Tiya and Khenet spend on that boat cruising down the Nile before they so cruelly trapped you on board and went off on adventures without you?

Tiya had to travel down the Nile on my ship, the River Horse for about ten days. Ten of the best days of one of my nine lives! Except for the sandstorm… We usually carry cargo only, not beautiful ladies who smell good and eat fancy food, so it was a treat to have Tiya as a passenger. 

5) What did they feed you while on the ship? What did they eat themselves that they refused to share?

I will say Khenet was a good fisherman. He showed Tiya how to catch Nile perch. (Cleans his whiskers reflectively.) I love fresh fish in the evening. And the morning. And at noon. They ate bread, dates, beans figs – boring human food. Khenet went hunting a few of the evenings so we ate duck, once we had roast gazelle….I definitely begged my share of those dishes. Tiya gave me anything I wanted if I just purred and rubbed her ankles.

6) When Tiya confesses all her troubles to you while you two are trapped together during the sandstorm, what advice do you give her about Khenet? Probably to ditch his butt, right?

I definitely thought she could do better than some grumpy, tattooed, musclebound brother of Pharaoh. She could have stayed on the River Horse with me, for example. I did tell her to watch out for Nephthys though. Sly and tricky, these goddesses. Except for my beautiful deity Bubastis of course.

7) How much do you hate crocodiles? More or less than dogs?

(Arches back, puffs out rather skinny tail, hisses in Egyptian) I’m not afraid of dogs or crocodiles. Let me at them, I’ll teach them a trick or two. But as I said, I don’t care what the overgrown reptiles do in the water.

8) Let’s say you had talked Tiya into ditching Khenet. How would you have miraculously saved the day so she wasn’t sacrificed to the whims of the gods?

I’d have gotten my goddess to intervene, turn Tiya into a cat so we could have spent 8 or 9 lives together, cruising the Nile. And eating fish. She’d have been a very pretty cat – we could have had gorgeous litters of kittens. But alas, it wasn’t meant to be – Khenet took her away and I never saw her again. She did leave the picture of me that she drew for the ship’s captain and he put it up in his cabin.

***

Thanks, Djet!

Sincerely,
Meankitty & the Typing Human
www.meankitty.com (from whence the cat photos came) + www.jodywallace.com

Meankitty Wants to Know: The Dog of Eleri Stone

Sometimes, though I am a cat, I do make concessions. I have my reasons. Today, I’m going to interview a DOG because the owner of said DOG, Eleri Stone, writes a series about cat shifters, so she’s getting a pass. Granted, there are also DOG shifters in her books, but the fact that the cats are more awesome, as I will prove when I review Rebellion tomorrow, means that the human understands the way of things.

The DOG that the author human owns is named Gracie Mae. Here is her interview.

1) So, your human writes books. Are they (a) full of praise and hyped up lies about dogs; or (b) do they contain interesting stories?

B as in Bacon! Her stories are about people turning into cats, but I like cats. Most cats. And bacon.

2) If writers are supposed to be so smart, why does your writer have a dog instead of a cat when it’s common knowledge cats are better? Does that mean your writer isn’t very smart?

When I was a puppy, I had a cat sister, but she passed away. While I miss her dearly, we can’t have another cat in the house because a member of my family developed an allergy to them.

3) So why did your human end up a writer instead of a animal sanctuary owner or something like that?

Just between you and me, she is way too daydreamy and unorganized to take on such a huge responsibility.

4) Does being a writer mean your human is home all day and easy to access? What is her day like?

She is home most of the day. I stay out from underfoot when she stumbles to the coffee machine in the morning. Then my kids wake up and it’s food time! After everyone is off doing stuff, she stares at the computer again. Boring. I like to liven up her day by periodically pointing out all the other much more interesting things we could be doing outside. But, nope, it’s always workworkworkwork. I mean, come on. Sometimes you need to stop and smell the deer poop. AMIRITE?

5) As a dog, you’re probably not devious or fascinating, but on the off-chance you do have feline traits, what are your techniques for distracting your human during crucial writing moments?

I bark enthusiastically at the wildlife—deer, turkeys, cats, crows, turtles. I also alert her to anyone who steps foot inside our territory—delivery men, neighbors, visitors. Every once in awhile when the tap-tap-tapping of the keyboard gets annoying, I’ll bark at nothing at all…just to mess with her head.

Oh! And when she’s been sitting in one place for too long, I do try to make sure she gets outside for some exercise by nudging her knee and looking pointedly at the door.

6) What indignities and neglect have you suffered because of your human’s writing career (besides the absence of a cat to properly rule the house)?

None, really. I don’t offend easily and there are a bunch of other people in the house to play with when she’s busy. The kids are more fun to run around with anyway!

7) If you’ve gotten this far in the interview, we’ve established that your human doesn’t write stories full of hyped up lies about dogs. Tell me about the felines in your human’s fiction. How often do they appear and how big a part do they play?

Too big. She’s written three books about cats! Like I said, I have nothing against cats but at some point enough is enough. There are wolf shifters in both Rebellion and Witch Bound, so that’s something.

8) When your human gets together with other writers, do they spend half their time sniffing each other’s butts like dogs do?

Oddly, no. If you can explain this to me, please do.

9) Your human did a lot of research about Norse mythology for her Twilight of the Gods series. How do cats fare in Norse Mythology? Were the Norse properly respectful like ancient Egyptians?

In Norse mythology, cats are associated with Freyja—goddess of love, fertility and death. Weird mix, right? Her chariot is pulled by two large cats and she’s said to bless those who are kind to them.

10) What is your human’s next project (bonus points if you answer: getting a cat)?

More stories! Cowboys versus zombies this time around. No cats OR dogs, just horses.

***

Sincerely,

Meankitty and the typing human Jody Wallace
www.meankitty.com  + www.jodywallace.com

Meankitty Wants to Know: Candice Gilmer

Today, Meankitty has consented to interview author Candice Gilmer. Candice lives with no cats. Granted, she does herd small humans on occasion, which we hear is a bit LIKE herding cats, only less scratchy. Gilmer hates tornado season, just like Typing Slave and Meankitty (Meankitty is pictured, not Candice, btw), and dresses hair when she’s not writing. Let’s find out why her life is otherwise drab, meaningless and free of cat hair balls…

1) Why did you decide to be a writer instead of a cat sanctuary owner?

I became a writer because I grew up in a house of people always telling stories. There’s never been any short one-liners in my house. It’s always a large, overdone production. We’re a very creative group, and I took that over-abundance of imagination (and comedy, because the people in my family are hilarious, whether they mean to be or not) and decided to write it down. It was too good to keep to myself.

I get told at least once a month, now, though, because they know I use the family for material, “Don’t put that in a book.”

I just smile and use it anyway.

2) Why do you think cats are better than dogs? (Since you call yourself a writer, I trust your answer will be eloquent.)

Cats are wonderful, because they do their own thing, and aside from needing food, water and fresh litter from time to time, they take care of themselves. While I think dogs can be cute, they are attention whores, and I’m a busy mother, a writer and have a day job where I am a hairdresser. Those attention-loving dogs take up too much time.

3) Why is your household currently deprived of a cat?

Well, unfortunately, Meankitty, as much as I love cats and their amazing personalities, I am allergic to cats, and even with medication, I have a hard time breathing around them.

4) Tell me about the felines in your fiction. How often do they appear and how big a part do they play in your narratives?

I am so ashamed to admit, but I don’t have any felines in any of my books yet. :::bows head in shame:::

5) On the off-chance you have yet to incorporate cats into your fiction, when or how do you plan to rectify this egregious error and demonstration of poor writing skills?

I will be incorporating a feline in one book next year, and there’s a place for one in another book as well. So as soon as I can get them done, they will have felines in them. I promise!

{{Meankitty sharpens her claws and casts a dubious eye at the author…}}

6) What are your favorite works of fiction or cinema involving cats or favorite fictional cats?

The classic television show, of course, is Sabrina the Teenage Witch and her talking cat. In books, (since I have kids) I’ve seen, and quite enjoyed all the Stuart Little movies, and that very ornery cat Snowball.

7) Do you have any amazing, or at least humorous, real life cat stories you’d like to share? Barring cat stories, you may share stories about dogs embarrassing themselves if you like.

Where we live, there are always a ton of stray cats running around. I think one of the neighbors feeds all the strays. Right now, we have some kittens hanging out by our house–they’re always out and about. Very shy and timid around people, but they’re adorable, and always out playing. One is gray, one is black, with little white boots, and one is black and white spotted. I think the one with the little white boots is my favorite, because he seems the smartest, and the least timid around people.

{{Meankitty says — obviously WHITE BOOTS are a sign of high cat IQ…see above photo for proof.}}

8) Your new series involves paranormal elements — in particular, godmothers. How do you think your story Under His Nose might be different if the godmother in question were a cat instead of a regular old two-legger type?

Well, I think the godmother would be able to hide in plain sight a lot better, if she were a cat. She’s never taken on the form of a cat, but that could be a fun idea for later in the series… There are two more books coming in the Guys and Godmothers series.

Hmm… I bet we could have fun with that.

{{Meankitty says: You’re welcome! See how inspiring cats are??}}

9) One of your earliest books featured a male chef who did some TV show about making human food. How do you think the story might have changed if he were more talented than that and were doing a gourmet cat food cooking show on TV? Imagine the taste-testing scenes! And the guest stars!

Well, that certainly hasn’t been done before! I bet that would be a really fun show on the Food Network. And I’m sure there are a lot of cat sanctuary owners that would appreciate such a show.

10) We notice you published at least one fairy tale romance, based on Rapunzel. Have you read any fairy tales with cats in them? Weren’t they the most awesome ones?

All stories with cats in them are awesome, of course.

{{Meankitty says: I think she’d dodging the question…}}

11) Did you know it’s been clinically proven (by me) that writers with cats make more money and are happier in general?

Well, I need to get a cat right away, then, I think. Allergies, be damned!

12) How do you think writers are like cats? And if they aren’t, how should they be?

I think writers are very much like cats–they tend to do whatever they want, remain in their own space, and don’t particularly worry about what other people think of them, because they’re doing their own thing.

Except for the self-grooming thing. Writers do shower, occasionally. Most do, anyway.

***

For more information about the author’s interesting-sounding-if-catless books, check out http://candicegilmer.com, where you can also find links to her Twitter, FB, etc.

For the new book itself:

Under His Nose @ Amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/Under-Nose-Guys-Godmothers-ebook/dp/B00C4U6MK6/

Under His Nose @ Barnes and Noble
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/under-his-nose-candice-gilmer/1115084888?ean=9781619216648

Under His Nose @ Samhain Publishing Site
http://store.samhainpublishing.com/under-nose-p-72878.html

Meankitty & the Human Typist
www.meankitty.com * www.jodywallace.com