Another of my infamous, I mean, not-at-all-famous timelines….
1:30 pm: Finish nursing Loud Thing and attempt to put her down. In her bed.
1:32 pm: Callooh callay, O frabjous day! It works! This never happens! Dash to recliner, fire up laptop.
1:35 pm: There are ants in the dregs of my caffeinated beverage from this morning. Don’t ask how I found out. Consider ignoring ants, but then one crawls across the laptop. Cue bad joke about computer bugs.
1:43 pm: Hunt and smoosh enough ants to feel satisfied. Spray door jamb with kid/pet safe ant killer while Pink Thing watches and asks approximately 549 questions. Return to recliner.
1:46 pm: Pink Thing screaming in kitchen. Run. More ants, coming in through back door. What is this, Antville? Smoosh, kill, spray, etc.
1:52 pm: Wash hands, check on Loud Thing. Still sawing logs. Return to recliner. This time manage to open WIP (work in progress).
2:01: Pink Thing is already bored of killing ants with pudding box. And here I thought I’d taught her an endlessly fun and entertaining pastime! Advise her to play with toys in room; Mommy’s working.
2:12 pm: Forgot to close AIM. Friend pings me, excuse myself gracefully. Disconnect laptop from Internet. Good mommy, good good!
2:20 pm: Pink Thing yelling in room. Trot. It’s that damn Wayne Johnson again, harassing her Care Bears. Help find the Care Bear Wayne Johnson “trapped” in the “dungeon” under the bed.
2:31 pm: Check on Loud Thing. Still sawing logs. Good baby! Has been approximately 1 hr. since putting her down. Guestimate have 30 min to 1 hr. left. Vow not to quit writing for hell or high water until she wakes!
2:39 pm: Not hell, but Pink Thing. Does not want to play Care Bears. Or watch TV (bad Mommy, bad bad!) Suggest new educational computer game.
2:41 pm: Pink Thing cussing in room. Walk. She can’t get the computer to turn on.
2:55 pm: After much clicking and kicking, realize computer is not plugged in because the cable modem and wireless router are hogging the outlet so conveniently hidden by the desk. Router/modem normally upstairs, but DH is experimenting with network issues. Find power strip, rearrange, turn on computer, pop in new game, and….
2:56 pm: New game will not play without downloading Windows Crapdate. No time, no time! Suggest old educational computer game.
3:09 pm: Pink Thing’s disappointment with failure of new game requires an infusion of milk and two-bite brownie. Return her to old educational computer game, myself to recliner.
3:19 pm: Oh God Look At The Time! How Can It Nearly Be Over?? Quit typing. Listen carefully. Don’t hear Loud Thing. Start typing.
3:22 pm: Pink Thing wailing in room. Ignore her.
3:23 pm: Pink Thing calling for me with a desperate edge. Yell, “What?” She repeats my name. Start to put laptop down.
3:24 pm: Pink Thing comes out of room, naked and upset. “It was an accident,” she says, sniffling pitifully. “I am going to get dry clothes now and then play my game.”
3:25 pm: Pink Thing so engrossed in educational game…ok ok it was Scooby Doo…she peed in the floor beside the computer. As this is unprecedented and she’s upset, punishment shall be listening to me complain.
3:26 pm: Fetch Pet Stain Remover, old rag to clean carpet. Misestimate how very much pee there was since carpet hides the vast under-shag reservoir and accidentally splash pee on self. Pink Thing laughs, jumps on my back (am crouched), and yells, “I’m sorry, Mommy! I won’t do it again!”
3:27 pm: Weight of Pink Thing propels me forward into pee puddle. Splash wall. Pee soaks into my snazzy yoga pants.
3:29 pm: Finish mopping up pee (with yoga pants — very absorbent). Pink Thing wants to play more Scooby Doo. Say no.
3:30 pm: Pink Thing follows me into my bedroom where Loud Thing is sleeping. Pink Thing’s piercing whines must be stopped!! Baby stirs. I hustle Pink Thing out of room under threat of time out, change clothes in complete silence. Baby stops stirring.
3:35 pm: Return to recliner. Fire up laptop. Type whole sentence
3:36 pm: Baby passed the two hour mark! Turning point alert! She will sleep through the night! She will nap twice a day, in her own bed! For three hours! She will…
3:37 pm: Wake up. With a diaper full of pee.