Things You Ought Not Do

Do you ever want to do something and you know you shouldn’t, because you tend to get carried away and besides it’s not very appropriate, and other, similar projects that you’ve jumped into haven’t really produced fruit or worldwide fame, but you really want to do this project?

Yeah.  http://crochetpeen.tumblr.com/

penisremoteI’m starting a new project. It’s a Tumblr that will feature Mr. Pinky, the crocheted peen, and his buddies. I’ll need guest photographers, so feel free to send in an application! Guest photographers will receive (1) free crocheted peen in exchange for providing photos for the blog, sometimes with certain specifications. There’s only so many photos I personally can take! Besides, I know you want your own peen.

Jody W. & Meankitty

I Wrote Holiday Stories

tempchristmasDo you like winter-themed holidays? So far, I’ve written four winter holiday tales. All but one are FREE, too. Can’t beat that price with a stick. I mean, you could, metaphorically, I suppose, if you put my book on your reader and it was so bad you took a stick to the device. If that happens, send me a photo of the broken device and I will autograph it for you, also free!

So, here’s the free goodies:

“New Year’s Magic” in the bounteous TINY TREATS anthology. A witch, a cat, and New Year’s Eve: http://jodywallace.com/books/new-years-magic/

“Wintertide Spell” is a prequel to A SPELL FOR SUSANNAH, takes place in the fantasy land of the Middle Kingdoms, but stands alone. http://jodywallace.com/books/a-wintertide-spell/

“The Worst Christmas” is another prequel to WHAT SHE DESERVES and is a YA-set tale of high school, snow storms and unexpected gifts: http://jodywallace.com/books/the-worst-christmas/

Claustrophobic ChristmasThe one you’d have to pay for, unless you email me some really nice compliments and I check to see if I have more author copies (hehe), is CLAUSTROPHOBIC CHRISTMAS, a steamy Tallwood novella involving an ice storm, a traffic jam caused by said ice storm, and two weary, I mean, SEXY travelers forced to make their own heat: http://jodywallace.com/books/claustrophobic-christmas/

I had the wonderful opportunity to beta for a friend of mine, Sierra Donovan, for her recently released holiday tale with a hero named FRED, whom I adore: http://www.amazon.com/Christmas-Like-Present-Sierra-Donovan-ebook/dp/B00J7W1FSI It’s a sweet, funny read with a holiday theme.

Also I love anything Christmasy Carla Kelly has written, such as http://www.amazon.com/Seasons-Regency-Greetings-Christmas-Novellas-ebook/dp/B00PB648HY/ and http://www.amazon.com/Coming-Home-Christmas-Paradise%5CO-Tree%5CNo-ebook/dp/B005WJDOF2/ and Mary Balogh http://www.amazon.com/Under-Mistletoe-Signet-Eclipse-Balogh-ebook/dp/B000OIZTV8/

My whole family approves of Bad Kitty’s Xmas tale, including the cats, http://www.amazon.com/Bad-Kitty-Christmas-Nick-Bruel-ebook/dp/B007L8LUH6/ , which is surprisingly tear-jerky for a picture book.

Now — add to my holiday reading list, if you please! What are your favorites in the comments?

Jody W & Meankitty

I Have a Dilemma: A Poll

Readers, writer friends, family, random passersby. I have a big, big dilemma. I am really hoping you can help me out. Can you answer this poll for me so I can get on with my life?

[yop_poll id=”2″]

Thanks.

Jody W and Meankitty

Tangible Now On Sale!

To get everyone ready for the upcoming release of DISCIPLE, Samhain has graciously put TANGIBLE on sale for less than a buck!

Buy Links: All Romance eBooks, Amazon, B&N, iTunes, Kobo, Samhain
Add it to your Goodreads!

Dreams don’t come true, but nightmares do.

When Zeke Garrett is reactivated to mentor the next dreamer that pops up on the Somnium’s radar, he’s sure it’s a mistake. The covert organization is still struggling to conceal the fallout from his last assignment, a fatal catastrophe.

From the first blast of her pepper spray, he realizes this neonati, whose nightmares manifest vampires straight from the pages of pop-culture, is more than he bargained for—a potential dreamwalker. But before her training can begin, he has to convince the stubborn, mouthy woman she’s not dreaming.

Maggie Mackey hasn’t slept well in a month, but that doesn’t explain how the monsters from her nightmares suddenly seem so real. Or why, when a team of intimidating, sword-wielding toughs rescue her, their leader captures her mouth in a swift, knee-weakening kiss.

Once he tears himself away, Zeke’s mental forehead smacking begins. Their embrace has confirmed they have a rare tangible bond, a phenomenon which fooled him once before. Somehow he must tutor the woman of his dreams without getting attached. Otherwise her nightmares could become his own.

Warning: Title contains lots of cussing, pop culture references and monsters with nasty, big, pointy teeth.

Tiny Treats for Everyone!

tinytreatsI recently participated in another group anthology which you can download for free. This one’s called TINY TREATS and it features winter holiday themed short stories. They’re actually SHORT stories, not my 10,000 word version of “short”, heh. My story, NEW YEAR’S MAGIC, has a cat, a pumpkin, a magic using heroine and New Year’s Eve!

So far it’s free at most vendors. Enjoy!

Jody Wallace

Author, Cat Person, Amigurumist of the Apocalypse

http://www.jodywallace.com * http://www.meankitty.com

Meankitty “Bad Libs” Review: Wakeworld

Wakeworldfinal-186x300Recently I had the cold sensation of reading WAKEWORLD by Kerry Schafer. It’s quite the wintery book. For example, in the winter, I spend most of my time blocking the air vents, because the human is, you know, “at that age”, and I’m doing her this huge favor by staving off her hot flashes. I am THAT awesome of a cat! So this book is akin to when I sit on the air vents to help the human out. The printed version of this book, in fact, fits quite well over an air vent, should you lack a cat companion to assist you in this matter.

I read a lot of literary writing so this contemporary fantasy was an action-packed change of pace. Normally we cats only like action when it’s inconvenient for the humans for us to be active. Say, at one a.m. when they have to get up early the next day. Or when they accidentally leave the door open just a teeny bit, and we’re indoor cats, but HEY THE DOOR IS OPEN LET’S GO! A real burst of literary TNT, this book. In some ways it reminded me of Through the Looking Glass except with adult characters faced with tragically terrifying situations.

I will not comment on whether it’s tragic or terrifying when Big D and I do manage to escape through the front door or into the Forbidden Zone that the humans call the attic, but I will say this. The one time Big D got out for a couple hours, when he returned, he’d been snatched by aliens. That wasn’t him, you know? I had to hiss, yowl, and beat his ass whenever he came near me for a week or two until things went back to normal and the aliens let the real Big D go. It annoyed the humans to no end, but a cat’s gotta do what a cat’s gotta do.

pip

The book starts off with two characters named Vivian and Zee faced with an admirable challenge. What’s an admirable challenge? Well, I am happy to elaborate. It’s one that involves me getting tuna and scritches at the end of it but isn’t terribly hard. So Vivian and Zee don’t have a terribly hard challenge and they’re eager to get food and scritches. They behave slowly about this, because they’re both very catlike, and you have to pretend like you don’t CARE at first, you know? Then, when that door gets left open a crack, you explode.

When Poe the Penguin is introduced, in a scene involving climbing, the plot really starts to get steamy. Penguins. Climbing. Let that sink in. I think it was inconsiderate of Vivian and Zee to expect Poe to develop climbing abilities, but actually what the hell do I care? I’m great at climbing, and Poe’s a stupid bird. Not even the kind I can eat! Jeez. Poe is alarmingly no Jennifer Lawrence. I have it on good authority Jennifer Lawrence totally likes cats and knows the right spot between the shoulder blades that needs scratching. If Poe knew the right spot to scratch a kitty, maybe Poe would get a break, but he’s too busy trying to climb.

Don’t even get me started about Weston. The involvement of Weston in the narrative will leave readers weary. Weary, weary of Weston. I’d rather laugh at some penguin trying to climb than read about Weston. Once Weston is gone, the story marvelously continues until it seems all dragons are lost, and the ending will fight you. It will fight you like a cat hiding in the attic who doesn’t want to come out! The ending will let you get really close and then take off like a cat out of hell, only to tumble around in the insulation while you freak out because you think the insulation might harm the cat.

Yep, I’d say it’s definitely a great ending. And the pace was like riding in a muscle car with a driver who is indomitable on a road that winds through a mountain top. One presumes this involves a tunnel, unless the indomitable driver = The Hulk.

If you are looking for a way to spend one day, no more and no less, this book is definitely an option. The characters and plot are so tense compared to other books on the market today. You humans love being tense. That’s why it’s so kind of us to get into the attic or run out the door. Oh, or block the air vents so you get all worried that the HVAC system is screwed up. Granted, the feline content in the book was one tiny pound, which could have been better, but no (human) author is completely mysterious. Not like cats. All in all, a humorous tale about guilt, flying and despairing. You will not be fearful if you pick this one up, unless you happen to be afraid of tunnels.

bootsie2

Rating: 205 rubber balls and an inspirational steak

 

Sincerely,

Meankitty

www.meankitty.com

Meankitty “Bad Libs” Review: Toying with His Affections

Cover-Toying-With-His-AffectionsRecently I had the prickling sensation of reading TOYING WITH HIS AFFECTIONS by Laura K. Curtis. It was almost like having fleas…wee shivers along my spine, sides and tail. Half the time I was reading the damn thing, I kept having to stop so I could bite my own ass! Seriously. Cats can do that. I know you’re jealous. I’m not sure how the almost-flea thing was connected to TOYING WITH HIS AFFECTIONS, but I do feel like I needed to warn you. Maybe they’re not related at all.

Normally I read a lot of scholarly texts about the quite factual and easily proven superiority of cats as companions over dogs or other animals, so this contemporary romance was a nasty change of pace. By nasty, I mean that’s the adjective the author gave me to put in that space. I think she meant NASTEEE, in the Janet Jackson way. Nasty! Nasty books. Oh you nasty books! Though if nasty books don’t mean a thing, why would you bother reading them? I’d have to argue with the author about her assessment of her own book as a nasty change of pace. Not that she knew WHERE I was going to put that adjective, but still. I just play the words I’m dealt. Sort of.

In some ways TOYING WITH HIS AFFECTIONS reminded me of The Three Little Pigs – and please note that pigs are inferior animal companions compared to cats, and three pigs is about three pigs too many. However, instead of pigs and some idiot door-to-door salesman wolf, too stupid to read the “NO SOLICITING” sign, this book had adult human characters faced with perfectly mammoth situations.

Emphasis on perfectly. Imperfectly mammoth is unacceptable, but perfectly mammoth is like when you decide, yeah, today’s the day I’m going to lay one out on the carpet right before the humans get out of bed, and it’s a really, really big one. Then they wander around the house, half asleep, sniffing and staring at stuff until they step in it. blackcatbuttWhite The book starts off with Griffin Barstow and Evie Bell faced with a tiny challenge. The mammoth begins later, and the initial tiny challenge is probably in there to lull you into a false sense of security. Both characters behave angrily about this. They were really looking forward to mammoth, you know? Different kind of mammoth though, since English is tricky. Mammoth steaks in particular. If mammoths weren’t extinct, humans would eat them.

When Candace is introduced, in a scene involving playing catch, the plot really starts to get lovely. And mammoth. Not that Candace is up to the challenge of a mammoth. The sad thing is, Candace is brutally no Bruce Willis.

Don’t even get me started about Patricia. PUH. TRISH. UH. The involvement of Patricia in the narrative will leave readers sleeping. I’m not talking about a cat nap. I’m talking eight hours, huddled between the covers, getting stiffer and stiffer because maybe there’s a cat laying right in the spot where you wish you could stretch out, but you can’t, so you — the human — wake up all crooked. Actually that’s pretty funny, so I guess I don’t hate Patricia that much.

In fact, the story fancifully continues until it seems all dog is lost. I’m all about some lost dog! Get out of here, dog! We’re having mammoth tonight, and there’s none for you. The ending will prod you…to cook steaks for your cat. The pace was like riding in an SUV with a driver who is generous, because we just stopped and bought steaks, on a road that winds through mountains.

If you are looking for a soft and cuddly way to spend four days, this book is definitely an option. The characters and plot are so delicate compared to other books on the market today. You’d think a book with such mammothness could never aspire to delicacy, but it’s a very gentle mammothness. Granted, the feline content in the book was barely eight ounces, which could have been better, but no author is completely wolfish. I should hope, since wolves are canines.

All in all, a fitting tale about joy, when you smell meat, jumping and then despairing, since you jumped up all that way to get yourself some steak and the humans just took it away! Dude. You will or will not feel love if you pick this one up, depending on how hungry you are. alfie Rating: Eight teaser wands with feathers and a fitting green bean. Fitting down the floor vent, when I knock it there, that is.

Double Book Release — Adventures of Mari Shu

Dear Readers of Romance and SF,

Do you crave a little WTF in your genre fiction from time to time?

Do you often wish the characters would do something different than what the author had them do?

planetship

Do you like to see a morally upstanding, hardworking protagonist challenged by circumstance and fate in a bleak futuristic setting?

Do you like coffee?

How about tea?

Or chocolate?

If you answered yes or no to any of the above questions, then I have got the books for you!

Today is the official release day for the first two volumes of The Interactive Adventures of Mari Shu!

MariShuEarth100

Mari Shu, a factory drudge in the year 4000-something, must choose how to protect her sisters, her purity, and her own conscience in a bleak futuristic society that’s been polluted by smog, rampant commercialism, tacky jumpsuits, sexual perversions, unjust socioeconomics, interstellar travel, and inconsistent use of the Oxford comma. (HORRORS!)

In book 1, Earthbound Passion, Mari Shu’s decision to stick to Olde Earth opportunities, such as professional sexxoring, has deeper consequences than she could ever have dreamed possible.

MariShu_Martian_Final250In book 2, Martian Conquest, Mari Shu decides to desert Olde Earth for the unfamiliar comforts and sexual practices of Mars…and possible elevation to the elite Martian rover class.

The better these books do, the faster I’ll write MOAR MOAR MOAR, in the midnight hour and at other times. But to get me to stay up until midnight writing them on a regular basis, I’ll need a lot of encouragement. Just FYI.

Please note: these books are delightful, delightful parodies. They are raunchy. They namedrop a lot. They make fun of all your favorite things. And my favorite things too. They are not for kids. Cats think they’re stupid.

DIG IN!

Sincerely,

Jody Wallace
Author, Cat Person, Amigurumist of the Apocalypse
http://www.jodywallace.com * http://www.meankitty.com