Meankitty Wants to Know: Jessica Aspen

The human wrote a book set in some hot, sandy place called Magic, New Mexico, and apparently so did a bunch of other authors. I can’t decide if a giant sandbox is cat heaven or dirty fur waiting to happen. Either way, I thought I’d interview a few of these humans and find out whether they’ve properly cattified their offerings.

Today we have JESSICA ASPEN who wrote a story about fairies, trolls, and gambling called TOUCH OF BEAUTY.

1) So you’ve written a book set in SE Smith’s wacky world of Magic, New Mexico. How many cats are in it?

–I’m so sorry to say there are ZERO cats in TOUCH OF BEAUTY.

2) If there are no cats in it, please explain how cats would probably have made the book better (hint: they definitely would have made the book better). If there are cats how would MORE cats have made the book EVEN BETTER?

–Obviously I should have remembered to put a cat in. I’ll speak to my own cat about bothering me more when I’m typing to remind me that a cat is a necessary character in the book. She must have been sleeping on the job.

3) Are there cats in any of your other books?

–No, and now that you mention it, that’s weird. I’ve had cats all my life, so why haven’t I put any in my books?

4) How about books by other authors with cats? Got any favorites?

–I love the Rita Mae Brown mysteries with Sneaky Pie. Always good to have a cat mixed in with your mystery.

5) If you personally could shift into a cat, please tell us how you would utilize this power?

–Since cats can obviously teleport, I would use this to surprise people and scare them by showing up when they think I’m not around.

–While my cat, Ivy, is notoriously reluctant to be photographed, she can usually be lured into posing if I put a box out for her to sit in. We call her ‘The Disgruntled One’ because she is never satisfied with our performance as cat caretakers. Luckily, she saw this interview as all about her, so she posed for the camera—this time.

Ok, so TOUCH OF BEAUTY gets a score of ZERO for cat-quality, and I should note that my human’s book SILVER BOUND also gets a ZERO. Why do these humans think they’re going to have ANY sales at all if they won’t put cats in their books? It boggles the mind.

Looks like we’re going to have to interview some more authors to find one who satisfies my criteria. If I find out these people have put DOGS but never cats, there’s going to be a sandbox incident of nightmarish proportions.

Sincerely,

Meankitty

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Going Out Of Print…

Sadly, one of my first ever publishers, Samhain Publishing, is going out of business at the end of the month. If you got any of my books there, be sure to download them before February is over! Books that will be temporarily out of print include:

FEY REALM:

Survival of the Fairest
1000 Kisses
Liam’s Gold

DREAMWALKERS:

Tangible
Disciple

TALLWOOD TALL TALES:

What She Deserves
Claustrophobic Christmas

Actually I’ve requested and received the rights back to Kiss the Bride, with Entangled, since it’s a Tallwood Tall Tale as well, and I guess the Tallwood books need to stick together.

I already republished A SPELL FOR SUSANNAH with a beautiful new cover, which was my first published novel with Samhain, and I hope to share new, improved and possibly CONTINUED versions of the above books and series with you during 2017 and 2018.

Are any of the books mentioned a favorite? What should I do first besides dare to pet that cat on her belly?

Sincerely,

Jody & Meankitty

 

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Meankitty “Bad Libs” Review: Best in Show

best in showBest in Show by Kelly Jensen is a paranormal romance story. I finished it in record time: about one week. Considering I was juggling multiple cat jobs at the time, this was impressive. I had to hassle the other cats, shed hair on anything the humans wore, poop in front of the cat box daily, beg under the table, sleep in all the sunspots, and howl at 2 am. A cat’s work is never done. The plot of Best in Show wasn’t always easy to follow, but I licked my way through. Lick, lick, lick. Which reminds me! One of my jobs is licking plastic shopping bags, and I haven’t done it today. Back later to finish this review.

*3 days later*

The characters in this gentle book were named Julian, Macavity, Alicia and Claire. The first protagonist was a very tasty character with prickly fur. I like the way Julian rubbed himself with tuna to be more attractive to felines. I think there was a cat show in here, so it figures. His relationship with the second protagonist reminded me of the movie Beauty and the Beast because of their squeaky feelings for each other and the way they danced around anytime they were faced with danger. I am not sure that the love interest appreciated the tuna rubs the way the cats in the cat show did, but hey, cats come first, am I right? The third character, on the other hand, was a real Jeep. Rugged, gas guzzling, and not the best fit for urban areas. Should that character have been subjected to a trip to a forest, maybe to do some four wheeling, I would have been vividly affectionate. I would have wound around everyone’s legs and rubbed fur on them. This would have made the Jeepy character a lot happier, and I like happy humans. They give me treats.

mkeyeballThere was never a moment in this book where I felt exhausted. No, my exhaustion was from my heavy work load of licking and sneaking and pooping. The gingery plot was full of surprises. Not as surprised as the humans are every time they step in poop in the floor, but one day they’ll learn to turn the lights on before they go in the powder room. I’m just doing my part to save cat litter. I rudely continued to turn the pages of the book by swatting the ebook reader when the human was holding it. The conflict was accidentally resolved. When I reached the end, I wanted to swim and drink nutty milk. Which means I was insane, because swim? No. Never. This book will make you want things you didn’t ever want before, but only temporarily. The writing style was worth mentioning, too, since it was gracefully hairy. This made up for the fact I secretly wanted to swim after reading it. I counted sixteen typos to boot. Humans aren’t perfect, but that’s pretty close.

My summation: Best in Show receives a grade of three on a scale of one to a lot. And if that doesn’t sound possible, it’s just because you haven’t yet read this loyal book. I feel like it is dedicated to making you think about things in a different way. Like swimming and licking bags. I wanted to give this book a wet Dame Judy Dench with a side of brown Jake Gyllenhaal.

Also, for the record I would like to often state that cats are the most outstanding animals on earth and dogs are made of pity. I pity the human who likes dogs better than cats, for sure!

Sincerely,

Meankitty

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Writing with Cat(s)

funny-cat-pushing-things-off-table-fuck-this-animated-gif-picsHere’s how to be a writer owned by cats! Especially when you’re in a multilevel house, like the Wallaces are now. Just follow these simple instructions to enhance your productivity.

1) TIME TO WRITE! Dodge cat while getting coffee.

2) Feed cat a treat so you won’t trip over cat while carrying coffee down the stairs.

3) Trip over cat while carrying coffee down the stairs. Spill coffee.

4) Get coffee, free of cat, since some of the coffee spilled on the cat and she is now in furious hiding.

5) Step on wet coffee spill on stairs while headed to writing nest.

6) Put coffee on table beside computer/chair, change into dry socks, clean up coffee spill on stairs.

7) Finally go sit down in writing next, place laptop in lap, activate recliner.

patche8) Ahhhhhh!

9) Grab coffee to take a sip.

10) Spit coffee out because it’s full of cat hair.

11) Cat peeks from behind the couch to see what all the noise is.

12) Notice the wet cat prints made of coffee on the table next to your coffee mug.

13) Clean coffee off laptop.

14) Take coffee upstairs, avoiding wet rug. Get more coffee.

15) Return downstairs to writing nest. Cat still rage-hiding.

16) Get into position, recliner, laptop, fresh coffee.

17) Ahhhhhh!

tbone18) The sound of cat horking in the other room in 5…4…3…2…

19) Try to get out of seat really fast while holding laptop, with feet up in recliner. Drop laptop on floor. Recliner too slow.

20) Race to other room (carpeted) so you can spot the hork before you…

21) Step in hork puddle that blends in with your “clever” stain-hiding carpet.

22) Get dry socks.

23) Clean cat hork up with dirty socks. They’re dirty anyway, and the paper towels are upstairs.

24) Rinse cat hork off of socks into toilet. Place socks on side of tub to dry.

25) Return to writing nest, carefully avoiding hork spot.

Arnie26) The cat is in your writing spot, sound asleep.

***

Jody Wallace & Meankitty

Smart. Snarky. Seductive. And that’s just the books.

http://www.jodywallace.com * http://www.meankitty.com

 

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How To Write Reviews: An Author Tells Readers What To Do

Meankittyreviews2Step 1: Get your hands on something you’d like to review.

Step 2: Consume the product in some fashion.

Step 3: Decide what you think about that product and share what you have to say with other people, like, for example, online.

Step 4: Find a way, in the text of your review, to add something about how cats are awesome. Doesn’t matter what product you’re reviewing. This is just something that’s required if you want to be taken seriously on the Internetz.

Step 5: Congratulations! You have reviewed a product!

Sincerely,

Jody W. & Meankitty

www.jodywallace.com * www.meankitty.com

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Is This My New Blurb?

ASpellforSusannah600You tell me:

Twelve bored royal daughters in a kingdom where the nobility has been cursed to bear no male children. One sly detective who’s been tasked to find out where the ladies disappear to at night. What’s a princess to do?

If you’re Princess Susannah, the eldest of the twelve princesses, you research inheritance laws and curse-breaking magic until you develop the ability to work magic yourself. You might use that magic to accidentally discover an enchanted land beneath your palace where hundreds of amnesiac princes dance and cavort all night long.

If you’re the King and Queen, you hire a professional to find out how your daughters are ruining their dancing shoes on a regular basis, despite all the measures you’ve taken to keep them safe and sound. And for that delicate job, you choose the handsome detective who instantly gets under your eldest daughter’s skin.

But enchantments won’t fix the Middle Kingdoms’ patriarchal laws, and the fairies won’t be pleased if they discover a mere mortal has learned to cast spells.

No, seriously. Is that a good blurb??

Jody Wallace
Smart. Snarky. Seductive. And that’s just the books.
http://www.jodywallace.com * http://www.meankitty.com

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How To Increase Your Wordcount

Authors these days face an ever-morphing publishing industry with ever-morphing pressure to write faster, faster, faster. I’ve never been a fast writer, but I have contracts and deadlines now that I must meet.

Here’s what I’ve done. Every day in the car ride pickup line, I type for 30 minutes on an old netbook computer. I can’t see the screen because it’s too bright in the car, despite the fact I pop open an umbrella and set it in my window to block the blazing hot sun. So instead of worrying about what I’m typing, I just…wank away. I end up getting a lot of really poorly spelled gibberish.

But hey! I’m getting like 2000 words a day!

Of crazytown.

wallymotopounce

Sorry, editors…

Jody Wallace
Smart. Snarky. Seductive. And that’s just the books.
http://www.jodywallace.com * http://www.meankitty.com

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Writerly Deep Thoughts: Zombie Romance

Becoming a zombie is pretty rough, what with the being dead and then eating gross organs and all. I think zombies should develop the superpower to screw someone’s brains out. It would making getting dinner a lot easier for them, and what a way to go for their unsuspecting partner! But I really think they need to work on their hygiene first.

Jody Wallace

Smart. Snarky. Seductive. And that’s just the books.

http://www.jodywallace.com * http://www.meankitty.com

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