Today is…

I would like to dub today, “The day I was derailed by cat puke on the clean bed sheets, and it was so copious it soaked through our supposedly waterproof mattress pad, and I had to do laundry, and then I had to scrawl under the bed, which is only a couple inches off the ground, and clean the other instances of cat kippage because of course Meankitty dashed under there after she laid her first barf log, and altogether this absorbed far more of my work time than I would have liked” day.

I’ll illustrate it, too! But not with barf. You’re welcome.

Waterproof, huh? We shall see...
Waterproof, huh? We shall see…

That isn’t Meankitty, but that does look like the sheets she just dirtied.


Jody Wallace & Puke Head Meankitty
Author, Cat Person, Amigurumist of the Apocalypse *

Spring Stench: Skunk Attack

Grandma Slave, as some of you may or may not know, lives out in the country with Stupid Dog (aka Frances) and the Party Cats. The Party Cats currently include:

1) Sam (from Wisconsin)(pictured, black)
2) Grey Louise (from Crabby Cat Hell, via Wisconsin)(pictured, blobby and grey)
3) Merri (from Meankitty’s Kittenwatch)
4) Ray Jay (from the forests and woods of Stray Cat Land)

Nanny Slave is responsible for 1 & 2, Typing Slave for 3, and Grandma Slave blames NS for 4 since NS is allegedly the one who started feeding his scrawny butt. At Grandma Slave’s house there are also skunks, possums, raccoons, squirrels, chipmunks, weasels, bobcats, deer, cows (not belonging to G-ma, though), evil gnomes, birds of all feathers, snakes, lizards, fish (in the pond…usually), coyotes, and plenty of other animals I probably missed.

Right now, it’s skunk breeding season in TN. This means there’s a lot of stinkin’ going on, and Stupid Dog has this stupid thing about getting sprayed by them and used to indulge frequently before she got so lazy and neurotic.

The other day, G-ma had her first skunk spray incident of the year. In her words:

“There have been multitudes of skunks working in the front yard for the last month (yard looks like minefield, small variety). Was sitting at computer, dodging [cat butt] (Grandma actually wrote something profane here) when the SMELL hit me. Looked out in yard. No, not there. Sniffed around. AAHH. Took poor culprit into bathroom, lathered up with Dial hand soap (which worked well when Fran got sprayed as a pup). Culprit just lay there for the brisk scrubbing and rinsing and drying. Ambled out of bathroom. Hope it worked.”

Can anyone guess whom the culprit was? Hint: he or she has been named or described somewhere in this post.

Meankitty & Typing Slave

Why Cats Are So Popular

You should all know, cats are the most popular house pet in the world. Yes! Down with DAWGS! We also–supposedly–contribute next to nothing to human survival. Or that’s what the stupid humans who write for Scientific American THINK. Clearly this is not true.

Here is some photographic proof that we contribute to human survival.

This is me, Meankitty, protecting my home from vicious, scary insects. It’s probably a poisonous one too, but yet I’ll brave the ichor-dripping fangs to eliminate any chances that one of my human staff members will be bitten. In fact, after I fling myself into the air and land on the top of the cabinets, I will kindly redecorate by knocking down and busting up the same exact antique dishes that have been there for 10 years now. It’s not good to let humans get in such ruts.

I could show you more proof, but it would totally demoralize all the dogs I know secretly read my blog.



Fun for Cats

Fun: Waiting until the human gets settled in the recliner or other comfy seat to puke, so they have to leap back up immediately.

Funner: Waiting until the human is almost asleep or just waking up in the morning on a week-end to puke, so it ruins their snooze time.

Funnerer: Waiting until the humans begin to serve a fancy dinner to their guests to puke, so they have to make apologies for the spewage while cleaning it up.

Funnerest: Waiting until the humans are sound asleep or out of the house to puke, so they keep finding cold, slimy smears all over the carpets with their bare feet and ugly waterbarf stains on their hardwood floors.

Meankitty & Big D

PS: My Typing Slave STILL hasn’t fully loaded all the necessary software on her new laptop to update my website. What is her damage, man?

The One Paw Vs. The Sewing Machine

Typing Slave has been madly sewing on her sewing machine lately, and I have been a huge help! Not only have I gotten cat hair all over the clean fabric she was using in her project, but I have run off with spools of thread, jumped on her feet, knocked her scissors and seam ripper into the floor repeatedly, rolled around on her pattern, batted her buttons, lurked behind her sewing box, and interfered with her stitching. Here’s a good sample of me employing my patented one paw technique to hinder her progress:

I know other people who happen to stumble across this video on YouTube totally won’t understand what’s so Tube-able about a (gorgeous) cat repeatedly scratching a (stupid, cheap) sewing machine, but YOU guys will understand. And YOU guys will appreciately my devious psychological torment of Typing Slave using a single, perfect white paw.

I like to paw on the edge, what can I say? I will have TS post some more photos soon of how much help I have been, but it’s been awhile since I’ve shared a Meankitty Mini Movie.


Resurgence of the One Paw

What better time to break it out than during a household bout of the stomach flu? Especially since all the humans were asleep in the same room, the better for the adults to tend to the illnesses of the children.

Pink Thing was on the foam fold out chair on the floor with a bucket beside her, and who am I to resist giving a puke bucket the one paw? I mean, really. I annoyed every single one of them with minimal effort.


We Have Taught Her Well…

If you follow any of Typing Slave’s aptly named “twits” in the sidebar, you may have noticed a few recent references to small humans with kak attacks. It’s not unusual for the Wallace children to come down with every virus they can get their hands on, so this is not interesting news. Certainly isn’t to us cats.

At least not until Loud Thing got the virus and proved what a devoted follower of Big D’s barf methodology she is!

First she got the carpet behind the rocking chair with a silent stealth puke, and when Typing Slave realized what was happening, Loud Thing took off running, projectile puking in a spray across the living room carpet, which of course was cluttered with toys. Then she wedged herself in her favorite corner behind the recliner and kakked down the register and on Typing Slave’s yarn bag before TS could capture the clever tyke.

Isn’t she just a wee human after our own hearts?? Yes, she is! In fact, in honor of her advanced skills in barfology, I will share this photo with you of a nap I may or may not have taken with the child in question.


PS: TS would like me to add that the puke did NOT get on any of the items she will be giving away in her contest this week.

PPS: TS would also like me to add that Loud Thing was properly and humanely treated and now seems to be over the virus.

PPPS: The adult slaves *think* that Pink Thing had the virus already while they were on vacation in Gatlinburg, but I’m betting that was motion sickness and she’ll come down with it soon.

PPPPS: As will Typing Slave, but not Food Slave, because he never catches anything. Except hell.

Tricks of the Trough

So, Typing Slave is having a “work day”, which means the small slaves are out of the house in their designated locations and TS is hogging the recliner, or couch, or office chair, or kitchen table, or whereever, with the laptop in her lap instead of me, should I deign to require attention. She mutters to herself and paces sometimes and tugs on her hair and ignores the phone and drinks too much caffeine — generally acts in such a way as to annoy us cats.

Today Big D and I decided to teach her a lesson. Remind her who’s the boss of everyone’s schedules in this house.

I started the lesson by saving a hairball until I knew she was at a really tense part of whatever the crap she thinks she’s doing. When she got that “look”, I pretending I was going to kak it up on the table. TS had to quickly set aside the laptop, leap across the toy-strewn floor (it’s not like she cleans HOUSE on her work days), and fling me off the table before I did any damage. Between heaves, I managed to position myself over the top of a Fisher Price MiniVan and puke neatly into the driver’s seat. You know, the one area of the car that actually has an electronic component.

Since I am not Big D and cannot summon 10 pukes in a row, I only frothed on the floor (or the toys) once or twice before bringing up said hairball. Big D, according to plan, waited until she was taking a quick shower and got his tongue on some of Loud Thing’s leftover cereal milk from breakfast (I really mean it when I say she doesn’t clean house on work days). As Big D is allergic to milk, this began a marathon barf session right, and soon we heard the shower crank off.

TS heard the distinctive hruk hruk hurk splaaaat and came dashing out of the shower, hair wet and eyes crazy, only to see Big D add a 5th smear of froth/kibble combo to the cluttered, dirty table top. She slid him onto the tile floor and like a nincompoop started cleaning up the many froth spots with her towel. Big D kept running amuck and frothing in hard to reach locations– he really gets into this, I’m telling you — and she kept following him around, naked as a mole rat, using her own towel to soak up cat vomit.

That’s when she noticed the A/C truck parked out in front of the house.

Yeah, I’d say we pretty much rattled her. She is whining to us that now she can’t concentrate, hence she’s typing up this blog post for me instead of working on her fiction.


TS Adds: My cruddy housekeeping has a bonus side. The vinyl tablecloth from Halloween is still on the kitchen table, so the many barfs didn’t make any watermarks. Ha! Take that, cats.

MK Adds: She hasn’t found the OTHER places we puked yet, from when she first got in the shower and couldn’t hear the hruk hruk. Heh heh heh heh!

The Force Was With Me

And by that I mean, the humans had to “force” me out of their way when they were working on their Halloween costumes the past two weeks. Every year they do this. I can’t for the life of me figure out WHY, but they seem to enjoy it.

Typing Slave got the four grown up Jedi and one small Princess Leia costumes done in time for the humans to hit the dark and spooky trail at the zoo this past week-end, but it was a struggle, and I’m proud to say that I was part of that struggle!

Here are some illustrations of my tricksy cleverness:

Typing Slave conned the other humans into helping with the costumes–some folderol about since they were the ones who wanted to wear them, they had to work for it. Both Food Slave and Nanny Slave got a taste of cutting out a sewing pattern. Neither had done such a thing before and probably won’t do it again. You can see that they had exceptionally gifted assistance from myself.

There was a better picture my booty in Nanny Slave’s face, but Nanny Slave said it showed “too much” (too much what, of my booty?? no such thing!) and wouldn’t let us post it. At one point Big D was getting in on the pesky action until he heard the rattle of the treat bag in the kitchen, at which point he deserted me for food. Not that I needed his help to get on Nanny Slave’s last nerve.

I also spent quite a bit of time three inches from the sewing machine whenever TS was using it, vulturing her and making her worry I was going to playfully stick my paw under the needle. As if! And of course every square inch of their costumes was covered in cat hair. I took naps on any fabric I could find strewn about, and lately I’ve been working on the orange velvet trick or treat bags TS is creating for the “big night”.

Pink Thing’s Leia costume was completed first, except for the crazy bun hat, which was a ski cap with crocheted lumps pinned to the sides. TS swears she’s going to crochet a more appropriate cap to go with the buns, but here she is on the computer instead of crocheting now that she has a day with Loud Thing at the sitter.

Nanny Slave in full Jedi regalia, accompanied by the smallest and greenest Jedi, Mistress Yoda. The Yoda costume was store-bought.

Originally, TS intended to make Lego masks for everyone, since Lego Star Wars was the inspiration for the costumes and not, as might be assumed, the live action movies or cartoon that was recently released in theaters. The masks did not come to pass, which is a good thing because she would have done such a terrible job, nobody would have “gotten” it.

So say me all.


Kitty At Rest?

Typing Slave found this YouTube vid on my friend Lynne’s blog. What does your cat do while you are trying to sleep? Of course we all know that Big D and I romp about the house scattering socks all over the place, but I confess that sometimes our nocturnal activities look more like this: