Meankitty “Bad Libs” Review: Unthinkable

UnthinkableLast month when my human shared a release day with author Nina Croft, I had the tingling experience of reading her book Unthinkable. And by “reading” I mean I sat on the book and absorbed the story through my posterior area. I read a lot of creative literature by sitting on it, so this contemporary romance with a hint of sci-fi was a gorgeous change of pace. Quite comfortable and glossy with the added attraction that my human was trying to read it, and my sitting on it was very inconvenient for her. In some ways the book reminded me of The Magician’s Nephew except with adult characters faced with boldly stupid situations. Oh, and no talking horses. Or Narnia. Or magicians. Sci-fi, remember?

The book starts off with protagonists Jake and Christa faced with a sparkling challenge. Kind of like when the sun hits an eastern facing window at my house, the one with the prisms in it, and there are suddenly rainbows and dancing lights all over the floor and walls that MUST DIE. Both characters behave unexpectedly about this. Humans, am I right? They’re so boring. Nobody does any parkour off the walls in order to kill a red dot, and there are no hairballs that get hacked up in revenge.

mkmodelnileSoon thereafter, when the character Sadie is introduced, in a scene involving shooting, the plot really starts to get clumsy. The last thing you need in a contemporary romance with a hint of sci-fi is a clumsy shooter, even if the object being shot is metaphorical. I myself am very good at shooting—shooting evil glances, shooting across the floor in pursuit of an enemy, shooting up the stairs when a human is trying to navigate them while carrying a heavy load. Madly enough, Jamie is no Aiden Quinn.

And don’t even get me started about the colonel. The colonel. What can I say about the colonel that I learned through my posterior? The involvement of the colonel in the narrative will leave readers exhausted. It’s a HUGE effort to read through your posterior when there are red dots to chase and the humans keep trying to take the book out from under you. Over and over and over. It’s enough to make a cat hiss, I tell you. The story blindly continues after the exhausting part with the colonel until it seems all cells are lost, and the ending will escape you. It escaped me because the humans hid the dang thing. I think they put it on the top shelf of a bookcase, the one with the glass figurines on it, the one I have yet to scale. But never give up, never surrender! It’s on my things-to-do list. Climb shelf, break glass, finish Unthinkable. The pace of the book was like riding on a motorcycle with a driver who is fearless on a road that winds through a mountain. This is a thing, mind you, that I have never done, as I detest vehicles of all sorts, but it sounded good.

If you are looking for a way to spend a day, this book is definitely an option. The characters and plot are so immense compared to other books on the market today. It’s probably almost as thick as one of those Harry Potter books, you know? At least from a cat’s perspective. Granted, the feline content in the book was only two kilos, not nearly enough. This could have been better, but no author is completely brilliant…not even one with dogs, cats, and a three-legged pig. So I hear. All in all, Unthinkable is a blonde tale about joy, chasing things, and being terrified. You will not be disgusted if you pick this one up!

1263833Rating: 42 squeaking mice and a brave doughnut

Sincerely,

Meankitty

Increasing Review Numbers — But How?

I don’t police my own reviews. Hell, I barely even look at them. Reviews, I believe, are for readers. When I personally, as a consumer, need reviews of a book or other product, I’m always grateful when the good AND bad ones are there. To be otherwise as the creator of a product would be hypocritical. I save my hypocrisies for things like telling my kids not to cuss so fucking much and stuff like that.

However, there’s some truth to the fact that authors can’t get any word of mouth if they can’t get any word of mouth — IE, certain retail sites like Amazon will…not really notice your book, shall we say, despite its existence…until it has some vague number of reviews and sales. I hear your book won’t make it to “also boughts” until it achieves some critical mass of reviews and clicks and whatever sneaky things Amazon tracks. So if you get more notice, you’ll get more notice. And if you can’t get any notice, you won’t get any notice.

How does an author who doesn’t like to badger readers and reviewers GET more word of mouth? By writing a mouth-worthy book, for starters, which I’m sure all authors think they have done. Then…

I don’t know! And it probably shows, heh.

But anyway. I’d sure like more reviews so I can get more reviews. To that effect, I thought I’d try out instafreebie.com, where you can give away free copies of your book to hypothetical potential reviewers. I’m hoping it helps a little! Starting with Earthbound Passion — http://www.instafreebie.com/free/f2CQu

If that works even a little, I’m likely to try other books I released via Meankitty Publishing.

Jody W & Meankitty

 

TRAITOR Blog Tour Signups

Please?

Please can I come hang out with you?

I’m doing a celebratory blog tour for the release of TRAITOR and I’d love for you to be a part of it. You can sign up (I think) via the official blog tour company at http://bewitchingbooktours.blogspot.com/2015/07/now-scheduling-two-week-tour-for.html

Or you can just sign up with me, and we’ll figure out what hijinks I will pull on which day at your blog.

I do have some reviewer ARCs available and am willing to share interviews, guest blogs, personalized memes, excerpts, cattifications, cattified excerpts, giveaways of the first book in the series or crocheted items, recipes, jokes, dance steps, artwork, and dream interpretations.

Your choice! Just email me. Dates are, hm, about July 28 through August 11 or so.

Jody W & Meankitty

Gratuitous cat pic

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In Which I Have Great Responsibility…

Well, great spurts anyway! A huge series review on RT Magazine blog today for the Mari Shu WTF books. Check it out! http://www.rtbookreviews.com/blog/82924/great-spurts-comes-great-goo-jody-wallaces-adventures-mari-shu

And feel free to leave a comment so I’m not the only person who commented on an article about myself. Heh.

Jody W & Meankitty

www.jodywallace.com * www.meankitty.com

Dear Reviewers

I am sitting here today, tired and worn out after a couple tough family-crisis weeks, and my defenses are down, so I’d like to share something with you.

You probably don’t know me, because I haven’t been either notoriously awful or notoriously wonderful, but I’d really like for you to review my books. I’d like readers to read them, and I’d like readers who are inclined to review to feel completely safe in doing so. Without readers, I may as well spend my time crocheting penises or something.

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I probably won’t READ the review, unless you, for whatever reason, specifically contact me and ask me to, because I believe reviews are for your fellow readers. Reviewing and conversing about books and stories is a Great Pleasure.

I won’t kill you off in a book. I’ve already got my list filled out of people I despise, and you’re not on it.

I will not hunt you down, cyberly or otherwise.

I will not subtweet about you and bestir my mob of fans (HAHAH) to snark on you.

I don’t have a street team, anyway, because the one time somebody suggested it might be a good idea, I asked if I could call them Wallace’s Street Weasels, and that venture pretty much ended right there.

I won’t tell all my editors and writer friends, should you also happen to be a writer, that they need to blacklist you or give you the cut direct.

My mom definitely won’t come after you because she, quite frankly, thinks I could do better. Except at cooking. She’s pretty happy when I do the cooking.

Meankitty won’t make a bunch of memes about how dumb readers are, although she does consider most humans pretty dumb.

shrimpsnack

Since your reviews aren’t shrimp snacks, she’s just all, “Whatever, human.”

If your reviews ARE somehow shrimp snacks, I think that’s amazing and you should patent it.

My excuse for this maudlin post is I’m dealing with some un-fun non-career life challenges, and I wanted to focus on something I like about being a writer, which is the chance to share my shizz with other human beings. Not in the stripper way, because I’m tap dancer, not a pole dancer, but in the words and ideas way.

Here is another thing I like about being a writer.

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The fact that Kid2 is now in school instead of doing this to me the whole GD day. AND, now that she’s in school, she’s mad-crazy for reading. Just loves it! I don’t let her read my books, but you can, if you want and if you’re old enough, because some of my stuff’s kinda raunchy.

Sincerely,

Jody W.
www.jodywallace.com

Meankitty “Bad Libs” Review: Wakeworld

Wakeworldfinal-186x300Recently I had the cold sensation of reading WAKEWORLD by Kerry Schafer. It’s quite the wintery book. For example, in the winter, I spend most of my time blocking the air vents, because the human is, you know, “at that age”, and I’m doing her this huge favor by staving off her hot flashes. I am THAT awesome of a cat! So this book is akin to when I sit on the air vents to help the human out. The printed version of this book, in fact, fits quite well over an air vent, should you lack a cat companion to assist you in this matter.

I read a lot of literary writing so this contemporary fantasy was an action-packed change of pace. Normally we cats only like action when it’s inconvenient for the humans for us to be active. Say, at one a.m. when they have to get up early the next day. Or when they accidentally leave the door open just a teeny bit, and we’re indoor cats, but HEY THE DOOR IS OPEN LET’S GO! A real burst of literary TNT, this book. In some ways it reminded me of Through the Looking Glass except with adult characters faced with tragically terrifying situations.

I will not comment on whether it’s tragic or terrifying when Big D and I do manage to escape through the front door or into the Forbidden Zone that the humans call the attic, but I will say this. The one time Big D got out for a couple hours, when he returned, he’d been snatched by aliens. That wasn’t him, you know? I had to hiss, yowl, and beat his ass whenever he came near me for a week or two until things went back to normal and the aliens let the real Big D go. It annoyed the humans to no end, but a cat’s gotta do what a cat’s gotta do.

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The book starts off with two characters named Vivian and Zee faced with an admirable challenge. What’s an admirable challenge? Well, I am happy to elaborate. It’s one that involves me getting tuna and scritches at the end of it but isn’t terribly hard. So Vivian and Zee don’t have a terribly hard challenge and they’re eager to get food and scritches. They behave slowly about this, because they’re both very catlike, and you have to pretend like you don’t CARE at first, you know? Then, when that door gets left open a crack, you explode.

When Poe the Penguin is introduced, in a scene involving climbing, the plot really starts to get steamy. Penguins. Climbing. Let that sink in. I think it was inconsiderate of Vivian and Zee to expect Poe to develop climbing abilities, but actually what the hell do I care? I’m great at climbing, and Poe’s a stupid bird. Not even the kind I can eat! Jeez. Poe is alarmingly no Jennifer Lawrence. I have it on good authority Jennifer Lawrence totally likes cats and knows the right spot between the shoulder blades that needs scratching. If Poe knew the right spot to scratch a kitty, maybe Poe would get a break, but he’s too busy trying to climb.

Don’t even get me started about Weston. The involvement of Weston in the narrative will leave readers weary. Weary, weary of Weston. I’d rather laugh at some penguin trying to climb than read about Weston. Once Weston is gone, the story marvelously continues until it seems all dragons are lost, and the ending will fight you. It will fight you like a cat hiding in the attic who doesn’t want to come out! The ending will let you get really close and then take off like a cat out of hell, only to tumble around in the insulation while you freak out because you think the insulation might harm the cat.

Yep, I’d say it’s definitely a great ending. And the pace was like riding in a muscle car with a driver who is indomitable on a road that winds through a mountain top. One presumes this involves a tunnel, unless the indomitable driver = The Hulk.

If you are looking for a way to spend one day, no more and no less, this book is definitely an option. The characters and plot are so tense compared to other books on the market today. You humans love being tense. That’s why it’s so kind of us to get into the attic or run out the door. Oh, or block the air vents so you get all worried that the HVAC system is screwed up. Granted, the feline content in the book was one tiny pound, which could have been better, but no (human) author is completely mysterious. Not like cats. All in all, a humorous tale about guilt, flying and despairing. You will not be fearful if you pick this one up, unless you happen to be afraid of tunnels.

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Rating: 205 rubber balls and an inspirational steak

 

Sincerely,

Meankitty

www.meankitty.com

Meankitty “Bad Libs” Review: Toying with His Affections

Cover-Toying-With-His-AffectionsRecently I had the prickling sensation of reading TOYING WITH HIS AFFECTIONS by Laura K. Curtis. It was almost like having fleas…wee shivers along my spine, sides and tail. Half the time I was reading the damn thing, I kept having to stop so I could bite my own ass! Seriously. Cats can do that. I know you’re jealous. I’m not sure how the almost-flea thing was connected to TOYING WITH HIS AFFECTIONS, but I do feel like I needed to warn you. Maybe they’re not related at all.

Normally I read a lot of scholarly texts about the quite factual and easily proven superiority of cats as companions over dogs or other animals, so this contemporary romance was a nasty change of pace. By nasty, I mean that’s the adjective the author gave me to put in that space. I think she meant NASTEEE, in the Janet Jackson way. Nasty! Nasty books. Oh you nasty books! Though if nasty books don’t mean a thing, why would you bother reading them? I’d have to argue with the author about her assessment of her own book as a nasty change of pace. Not that she knew WHERE I was going to put that adjective, but still. I just play the words I’m dealt. Sort of.

In some ways TOYING WITH HIS AFFECTIONS reminded me of The Three Little Pigs – and please note that pigs are inferior animal companions compared to cats, and three pigs is about three pigs too many. However, instead of pigs and some idiot door-to-door salesman wolf, too stupid to read the “NO SOLICITING” sign, this book had adult human characters faced with perfectly mammoth situations.

Emphasis on perfectly. Imperfectly mammoth is unacceptable, but perfectly mammoth is like when you decide, yeah, today’s the day I’m going to lay one out on the carpet right before the humans get out of bed, and it’s a really, really big one. Then they wander around the house, half asleep, sniffing and staring at stuff until they step in it. blackcatbuttWhite The book starts off with Griffin Barstow and Evie Bell faced with a tiny challenge. The mammoth begins later, and the initial tiny challenge is probably in there to lull you into a false sense of security. Both characters behave angrily about this. They were really looking forward to mammoth, you know? Different kind of mammoth though, since English is tricky. Mammoth steaks in particular. If mammoths weren’t extinct, humans would eat them.

When Candace is introduced, in a scene involving playing catch, the plot really starts to get lovely. And mammoth. Not that Candace is up to the challenge of a mammoth. The sad thing is, Candace is brutally no Bruce Willis.

Don’t even get me started about Patricia. PUH. TRISH. UH. The involvement of Patricia in the narrative will leave readers sleeping. I’m not talking about a cat nap. I’m talking eight hours, huddled between the covers, getting stiffer and stiffer because maybe there’s a cat laying right in the spot where you wish you could stretch out, but you can’t, so you — the human — wake up all crooked. Actually that’s pretty funny, so I guess I don’t hate Patricia that much.

In fact, the story fancifully continues until it seems all dog is lost. I’m all about some lost dog! Get out of here, dog! We’re having mammoth tonight, and there’s none for you. The ending will prod you…to cook steaks for your cat. The pace was like riding in an SUV with a driver who is generous, because we just stopped and bought steaks, on a road that winds through mountains.

If you are looking for a soft and cuddly way to spend four days, this book is definitely an option. The characters and plot are so delicate compared to other books on the market today. You’d think a book with such mammothness could never aspire to delicacy, but it’s a very gentle mammothness. Granted, the feline content in the book was barely eight ounces, which could have been better, but no author is completely wolfish. I should hope, since wolves are canines.

All in all, a fitting tale about joy, when you smell meat, jumping and then despairing, since you jumped up all that way to get yourself some steak and the humans just took it away! Dude. You will or will not feel love if you pick this one up, depending on how hungry you are. alfie Rating: Eight teaser wands with feathers and a fitting green bean. Fitting down the floor vent, when I knock it there, that is.

Meankitty “Bad Libs” Review: Murder by the Seaside

MurderByTheSeasideMURDER BY THE SEASIDE by Julie Ann Lindsey is a cozy mystery / amateur sleuth story. I finished it in record time: about 20 minutes. Amazed? Don’t be. Well, DO be, because I’m amazing, but the truth is, cats are accomplished speed readers. In fact, did you know that cats can butt read? Yes, indeed! When cats are sitting on your favorite book that you were trying to enjoy yourself, they’re actually absorbing the information within via posterior osmosis. That’s why cats always sprawl in the middle of what you’re doing, you know. Not because we’re just pests.

The plot in MURDER BY THE SEASIDE, I have to admit, wasn’t always easy to follow (via posterior osmosis…probably should have read it the traditional way), but I stuck my way through, the same way a claw pierces pantyhose. When I was finished with this thing, it was practically one giant ladder of words.

The characters in this bendy book were named Patience, Adrian, and Sebastian. The first protagonist was a very adorable character with silver fur. NOT A SILVER FOX, though, because that’s a type of canine, and just no, since we’re talking about the protagonist here, not the villain. His or her relationship with the second protagonist reminded me of the movie UNCLE BUCK because of their elated feelings for each other and the way they danced anytime they were faced with danger. Their skill in the climactic dance-off, in fact, became so ferocious that the bad guys would quail at the mere sight of these two with jazz hands.JackieChan

The third character, on the other hand, was a real shark. Aquatic, toothy, composed greatly of cartilage, and possessed of teeny, tiny beady little eyeballs that have no lids and thus never close. Should that character have been subjected to a gunshot wound, perhaps once our dancing protagonists realized they needed a bigger boat, I would have been slowly terrified…as the too-small boat sank…and the villain circled them, unhindered by a tiny bullet…because you can’t tango your way to victory in twenty feet of water.

There was never a moment in this book where I felt exhausted. Had I taken 21 minutes to butt-read the story, maybe, but at 20 minutes I hit “The End” still in a wakeful state. The dorky plot (seriously…dance-offs and a shark attack?) was full of surprises (such as the dance off and the shark attack, though the title does hint at such with that whole “seaside” thing). I accidentally continued to turn pages–often forgetting I was reading via butt osmosis and page turning wasn’t required. A little tail tip flipping, sure, but not page turning. The conflict was merrily resolved, when our dancing protagonists realized they could still perform a merciless WATER BALLET and vanquish the shark-like enemy. When I reached the end, I wanted to laugh and drink clever salt water. Then spit it out, because you’re not supposed to swallow salt water. The writing style was worth mentioning, too, since it was blindly hilarious. Like a game of Marco Polo at the beach, where the shark keeps yelling “POLO!” and the person with the blindfold just swims right up to the shark and gets eaten. I counted 12 typos to boot.

My summation: MURDER BY THE SEASIDE receives a grade of 3 on a scale of 1 to 7. And if that doesn’t sound possible, it’s just because you haven’t yet read this strong, rhythmically pleasing book. The glossary of dance terms was also handy. I wanted to give this book a smart bird (the funniest kind to catch, because they think they’re sooooo smart, but dude, they’re birds) with a side of pink cheeseburgers. I mean, *I* wouldn’t eat a pink cheeseburger, so the book can have it.

Also, for the record I would like to hopelessly state that cats are the curliest animals on earth – just look at our tails! – and dogs are made of snot.

Meankitty & Her Human Typist
Making the Internet Cattier Since 1999
http://www.meankitty.com * http://www.jodywallace.com

Meankitty “Bad Libs” Review: Control by Charlotte Stein

Recently I had the experience reading CONTROL by Charlotte Stein which was rather like being squished. You know when some human just picks you up and cuddles you and slobbers on your head and says, “Oh kitty kitty you are so soft kitty,” and you have to bite them? Sort of like that, except it’s better than when you steal the human’s chair and she doesn’t notice you when she comes back with her first cup of coffee and sits right down on you. Stupid human.

armattack2I read a lot of books, and this contemporary erotic romance was an orsum change of pace. It was so much better than the last book I read about dogs and so much worse than anything with a feline protagonist. In some ways CONTROL reminded me of Red Riding Hood, complete with a basket of food, the woods, and a grandma-eating wolf, except with adult characters faced with lazily crapulous situations. Like, Red was actually in her early twenties, which is the new teens, and legally an adult but soooooo lazy that she didn’t even bother to go to Grandma’s house with the food. She just ate it herself. The wolf, who’d eaten Grandma, got bilious and crapped a lot. Lazy + crapulous, see? None of which actually happened in this story, but it was LIKE that. A twist on what you’d expect.

The book starts off with main characters Madison and Gabriel faced with a potato-y challenge. Both characters behave stinkily about this. One might even say…somewhat CRAPulously. I guess the potatoes in the basket they lazily didn’t take to Grandma failed to agree with them? They should eat tuna and cat chow, like me. In fact, when Gabriel is introduced, in a scene lying down (he’s the lazy one), the plot really starts to get gargantuan. You don’t EXPECT him to be lying down, see? He’s supposed to be taking the gassy potatoes to Grandma. I mean, not to a real Grandma but the metaphorical one. Yet there he is, lounging on the bed like a cat.

I approved of that plot twist.

Gabriel is anxiously no Miranda Richardson. She’s not lazy, I hear, so there’s no need to worry Gabriel ever, at any point in the book, morphs into someone proactive or willing to take potatoes to sick old ladies. And don’t even get me started on Madison. The involvement of Madison in the narrative will leave readers cold. Cold as a cat in the winter whose owners won’t turn the floor vents on high. Cold as a potato discarded under the fridge. Cold as the ice the human thought it would be funny to put in the cat water, so of course you pawed it out of the bowl and let it melt on the tile, so the human stepped in it and slipped.

The story sloppily continues, like a human trying to keep her balance on wet tile, until it seems all wormholes are lost. For whatever reason, humans don’t like the potatoes with worms. Go figure. I think worms are fun. The ending will push you…right out of the chair you tried to steal from the human. The pace was like riding in the Starship Enterprise with a driver who is wearing a tank top on a road that winds through an inexplicable hole. Bumpy, fashion challenged, but exciting all the same.

ControlIf you are looking for a way to spend oceans of time, CONTROL is definitely an option. The characters and plot are so evol compared to other books on the market today. Where else can you find someone as lazy as Gabriel and as cold as Miranda in the same plot, along with metaphorical potatoes and grandmothers? Granted, the feline content in the book was the opposite of lots, which could have been better, but no author is completely salubrious. Most authors aren’t quite THIS obsessed with potatoes either, which takes getting used to. All in all, a jejune tale about terror (of having to get off the bed and shift your ass), lying down some more (once the terror subsides), and being on pins and needles, which I don’t like. Really, I prefer to take the pins and needles and scatter them all over the floor, like ice cubes, because FUNNY. You will not be angry if you pick this one up!

Rating: Eleventy empty cardboard boxes (HOORAY!) and a execrable can of peas and carrots. Peas and carrots = almost as bad and gassy as potatoes.

Meankitty & Her Human Typist
Making the Internet Cattier Since 1999
http://www.meankitty.com * http://www.jodywallace.com

Tangible Updates – Preordering, Review Copies, Etc.

A quick post today. Just noticed last night that Tangible is available for preorder! Do any of you preorder books? Also, the first chapter is available for free at my site, it’s on GoodReads, and I have review copies available.

What now? (1) Read the first chapter for free. (2) Invest in a dream dictionary. (3) Click the small cover to see the large cover. (4) Contact me about review copies. (5) Review it, for better or for worse, at GoodReads

Buy Links for Tangible:

Amazon (preorder)

B&N (preorder)

Kobo (preorder)

Samhain (preorder)

That’s it — short and schaweet!

Jody W.
www.jodywallace.com * www.meankitty.com