Independence Day and Kids Making Fun of My Favorite Shit

13465959_10154229825783774_4994453613476773794_nOn one of the group blogs where they let me hang around despite being such a scatterbrained poster, we’re doing a Summer of Magic Blog Hop where you can read fun things and win stuff if you visit the participating authors’ blogs. There is also a grand prize at the Here Be Magic blog. The posts are all be about summery goodness, and I’ve decided to talk about Independence Day.

Not the US Celebration–the movie! Specifically how my kids are finally old enough to see some of my favorite flicks without having nightmares, and we keep showing them our cinematic treasures and they mock them ferociously.

Why are kids such a-holes, man?

Don’t they know that having comic book and sf/f characters on the big screen in the 70s and 80s, despite the now-cheesy elements, was a huge deal for us nerds who’d never thought to see such stories appeal to a mass audience? Star Wars, Star Trek, and other SF movies had aired before, it’s true, but there was definitely an uptick after Star Wars: A New Hope revolutionized special effects–a phenomenon my 14 year old researched and presented for National History Day, no less. So both of my kids KNEW that movie effects haven’t always been the eye- and mind-boggling extravaganza they are now (and I’m sure 30 years from now today’s Force Awakens will get eye rolls from the Youths. I hope my kids enjoy that.) Special effects had to start somewhere.

large_nkj3HRG3g2zjlKRWmjJHvElhX4yOf course, the original Independence Day aired in 1996, years after special effects had become arguably more realistic (Roger Ebert’s Review). But I do have a point! This was one of the movies the hubs and I shared with the kids. Despite how kick-ass that movie is, they still found countless reasons to make fun of it because they’re little jerks. Not the obvious reasons like how Earthlings took down a whole advanced society with a simple computer virus, either. No, they made fun of the dramaz, the over the top, big-budget acting, and their disappointment that the movie didn’t have more women who got to beat up aliens. It was almost all about dudes. (What do you know? I can’t blame them for the last one.)

Nevertheless, they would still like us to spend $15 a ticket and take them to see the new Independence Day in theaters, so they can talk about how much better it is than the first one. (I hear it’s not, but maybe we’ll go see it on budget night, like all new release movies the Wallaces partake of.)

Have you seen the new one? Should we go full-price, bargain-night, or rental? And have YOUR kids or other youths with whom you’ve shared your treasures ever treated you so cruelly?

Angeli by Jody WallaceI have a series about invasive aliens, incidentally. It’s call the Maelstrom Series. I’ll give away an electronic copy of either the first or second volume in the series (the third one isn’t out yet) to the lucky commenter who most impresses my gremlinesque offspring with their comment! Even if it doesn’t have anything to do with the question.

Basically my kids are picking out the winner, so you should try to impress them. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

Also, DON’T FORGET TO CHECK OUT THE OTHER BLOG HOP POSTS!  The list is at the main page.

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Jody Wallace
Smart. Snarky. Seductive. And that’s just the books.
http://www.jodywallace.com * http://www.meankitty.com

Writerly Deep Thoughts: Corrupt Documents

A text conversation with DH:

Me: I need a smaller laptop so I can edit/write during the 40 minutes I spend in the pickup line at school. The Beast (current laptop) is too big. He doesn’t fit between me and the steering wheel.

DH: Try my netbook.

Me: It uses Open Office, not Word. Going between the two corrupts my documents and I don’t want my books corrupted by anything but the sexy sex.

DH: O.o.

Jody Wallace
Smart. Snarky. Seductive. And that’s just the books.
http://www.jodywallace.com * http://www.meankitty.com

 

I Won’t Lose It

**Ha! Originally published a couple years ago…but I wanted to bump it to the top, because funny.

*********************

Kid1 just “graduated” from a summer education program where they taught her to crochet. They also taught her about Australia, CSI and silly science, but the crochet class was what interested me. Obviously.

Anyway, the teacher provided all her students with a plastic crochet hook, probably a G size since that’s most common, to continue their yarn art on their own. I just had the following conversation with Kid1 regarding her yarn art.

Kid1: I want to crochet, Mom.
Me: Good deal! Have at it. Let me know if you want to learn a new stitch.
Kid1: I can’t because I don’t have a hook. I need a hook.
Me: You have a plastic hook. You showed it to me yesterday.
Kid1: I can’t find it, so I need one of yours.
Me: Hm. You lost your hook?
Kid1: I didn’t lose it, I just can’t find it. Can I get one of yours?
Me: No, you can’t have one of mine. (I only have one G size hook, and it’s my precious.)
Kid1: I don’t want to have it, I just want to borrow it.
Me: But you lost your hook. I don’t want you to lose mine. Then I won’t have a hook.
Kid1: I told you, I won’t lose it, I just want to borrow it.
Me: What is my guarantee that you won’t lose it while you have borrowed it?
Kid1: Well, I guess if I do, you can have mine.
Me: But you lost yours.
Kid1: I didn’t lose it, I just can’t find it.
Me: Then…no. You can’t borrow mine. Find your hook.
Kid1: *yelling* THAT’S NOT FAIR!!!! I LOST MY HOOK!

End result? I did not let her borrow my G hook, but now she has a one hour deadline to clean her room. Her plastic hook is either in there or between the couch cushions, guaranteed.

Sincerely,
JW
www.jodywallace.com * www.meankitty.com

PS: Happy Father’s Day to DH who does not know how to crochet but will probably be the one to find the missing hook. When he sits on the couch after doing the dishes.

High Five of the Day

On FB, I’ve seen my author friend Trish Milburn doing a “365 days of positivity” thing this year where she is happy about something EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Can you imagine??

Now that it’s April and the weather is about to become so nuggy and hot that I hate life, I figure I should start something similar in order to keep my spirits up. Only I’ll call it the High Five of the Day, which I will probably not post every day, but still. Sometimes I might remember.

I actually just sent my first one to Natalie Damschroder but I can’t repeat it here. Hm. What’s a high five I can share?

HIGH FIVE: when Kid1 wakes me up at 2 am because she noticed she has a lymph node in her jaw and is scared it’s too big or moveable or what have you, I can tell her — because we went to her well visit today — the lymph node is TOTALLY NORMAL AND THE DOCTOR SAID SO AND GO BACK TO BED.

PS Here’s a picture of Kid1 a long, long time ago before she worried about lymph nodes.

crawling baby

Sincerely,

Jody W. & Meankitty

www.jodywallace.com * www.meankitty.com

Corn-Beef?

Overheard conversation at New Year’s Day meal. Ages of children currently 10 and 5.

Kid2 (stares at corned beef and cabbage): I don’t like this.
Kid1 (sounding exactly like her mother): You can’t say that until you’ve tried it.
Kid2 (tries the beef): It’s not very good. It’s not juicy like a pig.
Kid1: Because it’s not pig.
Kid2: Then what is it?
Kid1: Corn beef. I think it’s a cow that was fed corn or something.
Meankitty (meowing): I want to try!
Me: NOBODY FEED THE CAT! (feeds the cat secretly under the table)

Sincerely,
JW and Meankitty
www.jodywallace.com * www.meankitty.com

Wisdom Comes Early

Kid1 is in the fourth grade this year and has become concerned about what kind of job she’s going to have when she grows up. Today we had the following conversation:

Kid1: Mom, math class was boring today. I already know the problems we’re going over.

Me: Are you allowed to read or doodle if you finished your work?

Kid1: No! We have to pay attention to the teacher. I can’t even write stories.

Me: That’s too bad. But it is good practice for when you get a job and have to go to meetings.

Kid1: I don’t want that kind of job.

Me: It might be unavoidable. Lots of jobs involve meetings.

Kid1: Well, I guess I can handle being bored as long as I don’t have a job where I might blow up.

Me: ?????

Kid1: You know, if I stepped in lava or something. Volcanologist is definitely off my list, unless I can study them on computers.

Me: I see.

Kid1: It’s not like you can just get a little bit of lava on you. I bet if it gets on your foot, it affects your whole body.

Me: Yes, I bet it does. [[Like the bite of a zombie, perhaps?]]

Kid1: Mom, can I have a snack?

***

Maybe she can be a photographer instead. Here are some selections from the past couple months on the digital camera we got her for Xmas:

Taken in a commercial cave we toured.
Frocs — a still life
Giant ball of cat hair after brushing cats at Grandma’s House
Self portrait. Or maybe Kid2 took it. There was screaming involved.
Not sure. Maybe a cat?
Unfortunately, I am sure what this is, and it’s a certain angle of a cat as well.
Hm. Photographer might be out too.
Sincerely,
JW & Meankitty

Career Milestones

Did you think this was going to be about a publishing deal, hitting a bestseller list or finishing my 20th book??

Heck, no. Here’s my career milestone today, and it’s a doozy:

Note how there are TWO children wearing backpacks and waiting for the morning bus?

TWO TWO TWO TWO! Let’s just say I skipped the “Kindergarten Parents’ Boo-hoo Breakfast” at the school for fear my gleeful attitude might offend the other mommies.

Time to kick things up a notch, career. Punt me some deadlines! Well, barring any demands the new addition to my extended family might make, now officially known as Niece1. I wanted to call her Kid3, since I feel pretty possessive of her, but NannySlave is the one walking the floor with her at night, not me, so I have to call her Niece1.

As for the cats who live with Niece1, always an important factor on this blog, so far they are the only ones putting the crib to any use. Niece1 prefers to sleep on her parents or her favorite person in the world (Aunt Jody).

Sincerely,

JW
www.jodywallace.com  * www.meankitty.com

PS Yes, I will now be updating www.Meankitty.com  with more regularity. In fact, I have already done it today! I would be encouraged to further heights of reliability and entertainment by more comments, I suspect 🙂

No More Commercials

Kid2 just informed me, while looking skeptically at my body as I was getting dressed, that there’s a special thing you can do to lose pounds.

She said, “Then you can wear a new bathing suit! And jeans and T-shirts. There’s no telling how far down you can go.”

Not sure how she absorbed this lovely sentiment, but it wasn’t from me. I haven’t gotten a new bathing suit in years.

Damned TV. Now she’s screaming, “AFLAC!”

JW
www.jodywallace.com * www.meankitty.com

There’s One Thing You Should Know

Like yesterday, today’s post is also not brought to you by Meankitty. It’s more from my kids. NEEDLESS TO SAY, I am currently working, or attempting to, and the kid (only 1 right now since the other in school) is supposed to be quietly jigsawing a puzzle.

Interruption number two went as follows:

Kid2: Mom, there’s one thing you should know about Capri Sun.

Me: *look of annoyance — look of death doesn’t come until interruption 4* And what is that?

Kid2: They are a hundred percent.

Me: A hundred percent of what?

Kid2: A hundred percent of fruit juice.

Me: Okay. *tries to turn back to computer*

Kid2: There’s one other thing you should know about Capri Sun.

Me: They’re a hundred percent of fruit juice? (Kid2 greatly enjoys emphasizing her points through repetition; this is not a stupid guess on my part.)

Kid2: No! *laughs* They squirt a hundred percent to the ceiling if you squeeze them!

Me: ************

***

Yeah. Not releasing that short story today, either. Where’s the mop?

Sincerely,

Jody W.
www.jodywallace.com * www.meankitty.com

PS: Meankitty says the one thing you should know about Capri Sun is that it does NOT taste good when licked off of one’s paws and fur.

PPS: Neither does Nutella. Don’t ask.

I Don’t Care About The Earth

I bet you thought this was going to be a post by Meankitty, didn’t you? Since it would be like her not to care about the earth. Well, it’s not. I just transcribed the following conversation between myself and Kid1 for your reading pleasure:

Scene: Mom is trying to work. Has warned kids to leave her ALONE. Kids are unable to comply.

Fourth interruption in 20 minutes:

Kid1: Mom, what should I do with this old battery?

Me: *looks up with death glare from WIP* Throw it away.

Kid1: Really?

Me: Really.

Kid1: I shouldn’t do something else with it?

Me: Is it one of the rechargeables?

Kid1: No.

Me: Then I don’t care. Throw it away.

Kid1: You don’t care about the earth?

Me: NO! I’m trying to work, kid. Go throw it away.

Kid1: We can’t just throw batteries away. It hurts the earth.

Me: Go away.

Kid1: I’m going to do something else with this battery.

Me: *I* am going to do something else with that battery.

Kid1: *leaves hastily*

And this, dear readers, is one reason why the jaunty little sf short story “Field Trip” I wanted to Kindle a week or so ago is not Kindled yet.

Sincerely,

JW

www.jodywallace.com  * www.meankitty.com

PS: Now Nannyslave hates me, too, because I don’t care about the earth.