Pretty-Kitty Primer

On Monday, March 12, a romance novel by author Veronica Scott was very well cattified. The main character in the cattification is Pretty-Kitty, whom some of you who visit this blog may recall. I just wanted to post a quick primer on the origin of Pretty-Kitty before her starring role in Pretty-Kitty of the Nile by Purronica Scott:

http://blog.jodywallace.com/2010/06/pretty-kitty.html (This introduces Pretty-Kitty)

http://blog.jodywallace.com/2010/06/pretty-kittys-minions.html (This explains how scary she is at the peak of her popularity)

Everyone go see the cattification! http://veronicascott.wordpress.com/2012/03/12/jody-wallace-meankitty-cattify-priestess-of-the-nile/

The gorgeous model on the cover, in case you were wondering, is Meankitty HERSELF in her current incarnation.

Sincerely,
Meankitty & Jody W.

http://www.meankitty.com * http://www.jodywallace.com

Cattification: Pack and Coven

This post originally appeared on the Carina Press blog on February 22, 2012. It is reposted here and edited to fit the situation so it will show up in the “cattification” tag on my blog :).

Before I was a published writer, I was owned by Meankitty in her various guises. While she doesn’t disapprove of the fact I’ve chosen a profession that allows me to be at home, at her beck and call, she hasn’t been especially happy that many of my books aren’t cat-focused. After all, she rules my life, as cats do, so why doesn’t she rule my fiction? The release of Pack and Coven in February 2012, with its werewolf hero, seems to have been her last straw. (A dog hero. A DOG HERO. Really, human?)

As such, Meankitty has taken it upon herself to start fixing the covers and blurbs of various authors’ books, properly cattifying them to remind human readers what’s really important in life. Obeying cats. And if we don’t obey, well, there’s always mind control (long but fascinating article about how toxoplasmosis makes you crazy). So here is Meankitty’s cattification of “Pack and Catten” that rectifies all the doggishness in its cover and blurb.

*

Harry Smith is a cat person, and he likes it that way. When he’s targeted to foster some dogs from the local pack, there is only one thing he can do to maintain his freedom from the sight, sound and smell of canines: flea. No, wait. Flee. But it’ll take a miracle to stuff the cats into their carriers and get out of town before the slobbery canines hunt him down.

Boo Two-Eyes has been Harry’s meankitty for years, but he doesn’t know her real identity: Defender from Dogs and Other Nuisances. He sees her as the sweet, white kitty he found in a “Free to Good Home” box at the local tearoom—the facade Boo presents to humans and dogs to keep them from finding out she’s a member of the Meankitty Illuminati. She may not be able to offer Harry a miracle, but she can help him scare away the dogs.

Harry is tempted to sit home all day and entertain Boo and the other cats, and not just because he’s grateful they rule his life. As a cat person, it’s how the kitties have manipulated him to be. But now is not the time for inaction. With her feline magic, claws and high-decibel hissing, Boo has temporarily protected Harry from the stupid dogs who want to live with him, but the local pack is not as dumb as expected. That’s when Boo discovers they’re being aided by Boo’s nemesis, the Fat Yellow Cat Who Stares In The Back Door. He wants to ruin her life! Before Boo can say boo-hiss, a dog moves in and SLEEPS IN HARRY’S BED.

But there are consequences for humans who bed down with dogs…

You can see the stupid, boring, doggy version of Pack and Catten plus buy links at: http://www.jodywallace.com/books/packandcoven.htm

Sincerely,

Jody W.
www.jodywallace.com  * www.meankitty.com

Cattification: My Favorite Countess by Vanessa Kelly

Kelly interviewed here Tuesday and made the mistake of sending a high quality cover file that we realized would lend itself to a certain…revision. So before we continue, pop over here and see the original: http://vanessakellyauthor.com/books/my-favorite-countess / It should open in a new window for proper compare & contrast.

Now you may see the improved version!

MY FAVORITE COUNTESS’S LAP
by Vanessa Kitty


“Guaranteed to satisfy even the most passionate cat person.” Buffy the Mouse Slayer, NYT Bestselling Feline Type

Soft, stationary, and entirely irresistible…

She is difficult, demanding, and at times, quite fierce. And Countess Bathsheba Randolph can’t take her eyes off her! The lushly furred orange and white feline who has waltzed into her life is the most striking kitty she has ever seen…and the most satisfying occupation she has ever engaged in. What more could she want out of life than feeding Winnie the Mouse Slayer (from whom Buffy the Mouse Slayer is descended) tidbits of gourmet tuna and petting her whenever she demands it, sometimes throwing wadded up papers for her to chase?

Mired in happiness, Bathsheba doesn’t have time to humor Dr. John Blackmoor and his butt-sniffing hound Cletus, who both stink of the country. She and Winnie should be in London, hunting for a wealthy new human to pay their slowly mounting catnip and caviar debts, not dodging the slobbery attentions of the devastatingly hairy doctor and his smelly dog.

But it is only a matter of time until the superior kitty and the idiot dog clash, after Cletus has tried to climb into the countess’s lap one too many times. Winnie needs both Cletus and the lumpy doctor to understand: she does not share the lap. The countess will have to contend with the fur that flies and gets all over her Aubusson carpets. Because once Winnie surrenders to the rage, Cletus’s blood may follow…

***

I know. I am DYING to find out how Winnie takes Cletus and Dr. John out of the picture!

Sincerely,
Meankitty & Jody W.
www.meankitty.com * www.jodywallace.com

Obligatory release week reminder: Typing Slave’s stupidest, doggiest book yet went on sale February 20 at Carina Press and other online vendors. Something about werewolves and witches.

Cattification: The Watchmaker’s Lady by Heather Massey

The fourth entry in our cattification series is a coming soon delight from Galaxy Express pilot, Heather Massey. Massey sold a little book about automatons to Red Sage Publishing due out in April 2012 called The Watchmaker’s Lady, and we wanted to help whip up excitement for the release. Clearly the regular author, title and blurb aren’t going to do it, so we would like to present you with the improved version.

Description:

Matthew Goddard is a lonely watchmaker in 1840 New England plagued by mice. They’ve been befouling his stores of watch parts, leaving poop in customer orders. One fateful day, he discovers a kitty in a dusty corner of the local general store—Isabel Quickpaws, a bisque-gray tabby with mesmerizing, yellow eyes. When Matthew invites her to come live with him, she insists on a contract specifying that no dogs will be allowed on the premises, since she has been burned by dogs before.

The couple embarks on a mouse-filled adventure, one fueled by Matthew’s very poor housekeeping. In order to provide Isabel with catnip and expensive tuna and thank her for saving him from the rodents, Matthew begins a secret side business selling clockwork dogs to his dumbest human customers. Danger, however, threatens their idyllic existence when one of the automaton DOGS goes haywire and starts savaging humans! Then another dog goes wild…and another! With the menace of the mechanical dogs seemingly unstoppable, Matthew is ready to give up…until Isabel steps in to protect the world from the growing canine threat. But can she teach these dumb humans a lesson when the steampunk dogs are even harder to defeat than the normal kind?

To Heather Manxey’s Readers:
On the surface, The Watchmaker’s Kitty is a cautionary tale about how humans should never hide their sneaky tricks from the cats who rule them. But if you dig a little deeper, you’ll discover a valiant adventure of how cats can outsmart dogs of any type, even if that dog has gears for brains, brass teeth and an unholy taste for human flesh.

***

I know, it’s hard to wait until April 2012 now, isn’t it?? The original cover and blurb can be found at the Manxey blog.

Sincerely,

Meankitty & Jody W.
www.meankitty.com * www.jodywallace.com

Cattification: Rulebreaker by Cathy Pegau

Typing Slave’s writing buddy, Alaska resident Cathy Pegau, has interviewed with Meankitty before, at http://blog.jodywallace.com/2009/03/meankitty-wants-to-know-cathy-pegau.html. Since Ms. Pegau is guilty of not incorporating enough feline wondrousness into her fiction, we have decided to do it for her. To wit:

Liv Braxton’s Felon Rule #1: Don’t expect to be impressed with your dog. Just be happy when it doesn’t poop in the floor.

Dog-and-collar thieving doesn’t lend itself to sniffing the butts of the victims, and Liv hasn’t met any dogs on the mining colony of Nevarro worth petting, anyway. So it’s easy to follow her Rules.

Until her ex dog, Tony Toe Toe, shows up with his tongue lolling out and his stupid wet nose and asks her to do a job with him, where they’ll try to infiltrate the corporate headquarters of Cats Rule and find out why cats rule.

Until Zia Kittyface, the feline CEO she’s supposed to deceive, turns Liv’s expectations about what cats are like upside down in a way no animal ever has.

Cats. Are. Awesome. OMG!

How has she lived so long without dedicating her life to cat?? Liv doesn’t know. Her world spins like a paper ball batted by a cat, and she finds herself unable to complete the doggone job. What if dogs find out why cats rule and then attempt to, I don’t know, rule harder? What if dogs learn the secret? But then the vile, rabid Dobermans who’ve got their paws on Tony Toe Toe’s leash threaten to kill her, Zia and Tony.

To make things work with Zia and escape the doggy dominion, Liv has to do more than break her Rules because the stakes are higher than just dog poop in the floor.

To see the boring, catless version of the book Rulebreaker, check it out at Carina Press. Catty Pegau’s blog is here: http://www.cathypegau.blogspot.com/

Sincerely,
Meankitty & Jody W.
www.meankitty.com * www.jodywallace.com

Cattification: Fight or Flight by Natalie Damschroder

Natalie Damschroder was one of Meankitty’s first interviewees: http://blog.jodywallace.com/2009/03/meankitty-wants-to-know-natalie.html  We have got to give props to a human who can type like this, yes?

As such, we have decided to boost the human’s book sales with the following cattification of Fight or Flight.

***

FIGHT OR BITE

Eighteen years ago, a group of evil dogs killed Regan Miller’s boyfriend and tried to kidnap her daughter, Cattie, and their mistress feline, Tangerine Dream. Since then they’ve lived like stray cats, always vigilant and never getting close to anyone. Tangerine has kept them safe.

When Cattie goes away to the smelly, far-off place where sometimes young adult humans go, Regan and Tangerine finally begin to relax. Regan even starts to think she can find a kitty friend for Tangerine, perhaps convince her flirtatious human neighbor, Tyler Sloane, to open his home to a cat too. Tangerine agrees, because there’s just something wrong in a home without a cat. Then, while Tangerine is out looking for just the right housemate, Regan is attacked by dogs again.

Desperate to get a ride to Cattie since it’s too far to walk, even for a supercat, Tangerine accepts Tyler’s help—despite her suspicions about him. While he might enjoy donning cat ears and playing games with string, there may be something (else) hinky about this human who has never lived with a cat. Tangerine can sense nothing about Tyler, but he seems to know a shocking amount about….dogs. How many breeds there are, how many dog years are equal to a human year, what dog foods have too much corn filler. Tyler doesn’t smell like a pooch, but there are such things as washing machines and air freshener that Tangerine knows can fool even the cleverest cat’s sniffer.

Yet Tyler insists she and Regan can’t face the evil dogs without him. Tired of living like a stray, Tangerine is ready to take the offensive, with Tyler and Regan by her side. But is she relying too much on a man who might like dogs—and letting her human do that naked human stuff with him, too?

You can visit the human’s site here and see the boring original book and cover: http://www.nataliedamschroder.com/index.htm

Sincerely,
Meankitty & Typing Slave (or, in this case, really bad photoediting slave)
www.meankitty.com * www.meankitty.com

Fortune’s Hero by Jenna Bennett: The Cattification

Who is Jenna Bennett, you may ask? Well, she’s an author in Typing Slave’s local RWA chapter who has written a mystery series under the name Jennie Bentley about a cat-controlled heroine (as all good heroines should be) who remodels houses and solves mysteries. And the tricky part of this author is, like a cat, she has yet another name, Bente Gallagher, whom we interviewed her here a year or so ago. Sort of like cats have 9 lives! Anyway, today her Jenna Bennett “life” is revealing the cover and blurb for her upcoming science fiction romance, called something lame. Fortune’s Hero. Sounds like it would have dogs in it, you know?

Anyway, since she’s a friend of Typing Slave, I took it upon myself to give her some more oomph in the cover / blurb department to stir up excitement about the book. I call this a “cattification”.

Fortune’s Meow by Jenna Bennett
A Kitties of Fortune Novel

Blurb:

Last year, space smuggler Quinn Aslan was on top of the world. He had everything a man could want: a fast ship, a great crew, no dogs, a gorgeous Persian cat, lots of money to buy catnip, toys and crinkly sacks, and adventure and hairballs around every corner.

That all changed when he agreed to ferry a shipload of weaponized scratching posts to the heavenly planet Manxica, currently under siege by ugly, slobbering Rottweillian forces. Now he’s stuck in a prison camp on the moon Manxica-3, subjected to weekly sessions with the camp’s “drool team”, and praying for a quick death before he breaks under the slobber, dog smell, carrion-rolling, crotch licking (self only), and butt sniffing and agrees he will love dogs forever and let them chase his poor Persian cat around the ship.

When the opportunity presents itself, Quinn takes a Rottweillian med tech hostage and heads into the inhospitable interior of the small moon. There, he has to keep himself and Doctor Elsa Basenji safe from the deadly flora and fauna, as well as hidden from the prison dogs searching for them, all while formulating a plan for getting his crew out of the doghouse, his ship out of the pound, and everyone out of orbit.

But when Elsa professes her love, can Quinn teach the beautiful doctor the glory of cats, or will this dog lover—-and her wiles—-convince him and his crew to at least tolerate short-haired dogs who don’t bark and possibly toy-sized dogs who think they’re cats anyway? Will his cat understand or will this mean an eternity on Manxica-3 when Lady Peachy Face (that’s the cat) steals the ship and dumps him and the stinky dog lady?

The book will be coming in August 2012 from Entangled Publishing. It may or may not feature a mutinous cat. You’ll have to read it to find out!

You can visit the author’s site to read the original, less interesting blurb.

Sincerely,
Meankitty & Typing Slave
www.meankitty.com  * www.jodywallace.com