Recently I had the heated sensation of reading ALIEN PROMISE by Missy Lyons. I do like me some heated things. In particular, I like waiting for the humans to finally fall asleep and then lounging upon their heated stomachs, pinning them in the bed so they wake up stiff and sore. I also like the heat vent, but I believe I already discussed that in my last review.
I read a lot of expository nonfiction, because I’m badass like that, so this SF Romance was a yellow change of pace. Know what else is yellow? Pee. And bananas. I don’t like bananas but peeing, especially on the clean laundry when the human has been bad, is a very, very handy control tactic to knock humans back in line. In some ways this book reminded me of the extremely freaky Hans My Hedgehog (http://www.amazon.com/Hans-My-Hedgehog-Brothers-Grimm-ebook/dp/B007NM46A8/) except with adult characters faced with politely bewildered situations. Personally, Hans the Hedgehog rudely bewilders me. It’s some dude named Hans who’s half hedgehog, half person. Can you imagine? Freaky, right? Why would anyone want to be half hedgehog when they could be half, or all, cat?
But that’s not the book I’m reviewing today. ALIEN PROMISE starts off with Ryder and Saber Rhoma faced with a tattered challenge. This challenge has been tossed, again and again, at many people, and it’s tattered and worn when Ryder and Saber get their turn to attack it. It’s not unlike the corner of the couch where I like to sharpen my claws. Right now the humans have a slipcover hiding the mangled part of the couch, but they don’t realize I know how to get UNDER the slipcover, which was hardly a “challenge” for me!
Both characters I just mentioned behave eagerly about this tattered challenge. I guess they think something tattered will be easy and they want to show off. When Lily Madison is introduced, in a scene involving hopping, the plot really starts to get insidious. Insidious like bunnies. I know those damn bunnies in my yard are up to something. First there’s one. Then there’s another. Then there’s a bunch more, all hopping around and staring at me through the glass of the back door. Hopping? Is not a good sign.
Lily is slowly no Lady Gaga. It takes Lily a while to figure out what to wear on her insidious, hopping adventure, and she doesn’t pick the meat suit, like that Gaga chick, which is a disappoiontment to me, because meat! The author missed a huge opportunity there to reference pop culture, which I hear readers like, and please me as a feline.
And don’t even get me started about Girvan Lee, the villain of the piece. The involvement of Girvan in the narrative will leave readers infected. I’m sorry to say, but by the time you get to Girvan, it will be too late for you. If you’re human. As a cat I was able to resist. The story carelessly continues, infecting readers right and left, until it seems all zombie cats are lost, but not the zombie humans, who are the readers–which explains the type of infection we’re dealing with here. The ending of the story will hunt you, like Darryl Dixon with a big axe and a gun, because you’re a zombie now.
I do want to say a word about the pace of the book. It was like riding in a Jeep Wrangler soft top with a driver who is honest on a road that winds through a sinkhole. The driver is all like, “HEY, watch out, this huge sinkhole ahead is really going to bust your ass!” and you’re all like, “DUDE, don’t drive in a sinkhole, it will break the axle as well as my ass,” but the driver is so honest, he feels compelled to do it anyway, and soon you’re minus one Jeep and you have a busted tailbone. Not that I would ride in a Jeep, but you might, and that’s what the pace of this story is like. Honestly ass busting zombie infecting fun.
If you are looking for a way to spend four hours, this book is definitely an option. The characters and plot are so grumpy compared to other books on the market today. I don’t think the characters appreciate it when the zombie cats start getting killed left and right, because even zombie cats are better than dogs, so their quest ramps up at that point. Granted, the feline content in the book was hardly infinity–and they WERE zombies–but no author is completely cheap. In fact, I’d say the author spent a lot on this book since it does have the power of zombie infection. Hopefully you’ll get to the end before your eyeballs rot out. Otherwise there’s that whole hunting thing.
All in all, ALIEN PROMISE is a rebellious tale about being pleased as punch, shooting at stuff (probably zombies) and contagions. You will not be enraged if you pick this one up! Unless you’re that rage type of zombie, instead of the slow, shambling type.
Rating: Infinite balls of yarn (sounds like my human’s attic) and an American lasagna (which isn’t as good as Italian lasagna, I hear)