Meankitty “Bad Libs” Review: Alien Promise by Missy Lyons

Recently I had the heated sensation of reading ALIEN PROMISE by Missy Lyons. I do like me some heated things. In particular, I like waiting for the humans to finally fall asleep and then lounging upon their heated stomachs, pinning them in the bed so they wake up stiff and sore. I also like the heat vent, but I believe I already discussed that in my last review.

I read a lot of expository nonfiction, because I’m badass like that, so this SF Romance was a yellow change of pace. Know what else is yellow? Pee. And bananas. I don’t like bananas but peeing, especially on the clean laundry when the human has been bad, is a very, very handy control tactic to knock humans back in line. In some ways this book reminded me of the extremely freaky Hans My Hedgehog (http://www.amazon.com/Hans-My-Hedgehog-Brothers-Grimm-ebook/dp/B007NM46A8/)  except with adult characters faced with politely bewildered situations. Personally, Hans the Hedgehog rudely bewilders me. It’s some dude named Hans who’s half hedgehog, half person. Can you imagine? Freaky, right? Why would anyone want to be half hedgehog when they could be half, or all, cat?

But that’s not the book I’m reviewing today. ALIEN PROMISE starts off with Ryder and Saber Rhoma faced with a tattered challenge. This challenge has been tossed, again and again, at many people, and it’s tattered and worn when Ryder and Saber get their turn to attack it. It’s not unlike the corner of the couch where I like to sharpen my claws. Right now the humans have a slipcover hiding the mangled part of the couch, but they don’t realize I know how to get UNDER the slipcover, which was hardly a “challenge” for me!

Both characters I just mentioned behave eagerly about this tattered challenge. I guess they think something tattered will be easy and they want to show off. When Lily Madison is introduced, in a scene involving hopping, the plot really starts to get insidious. Insidious like bunnies. I know those damn bunnies in my yard are up to something. First there’s one. Then there’s another. Then there’s a bunch more, all hopping around and staring at me through the glass of the back door. Hopping? Is not a good sign.

Lily is slowly no Lady Gaga. It takes Lily a while to figure out what to wear on her insidious, hopping adventure, and she doesn’t pick the meat suit, like that Gaga chick, which is a disappoiontment to me, because meat! The author missed a huge opportunity there to reference pop culture, which I hear readers like, and please me as a feline.

And don’t even get me started about Girvan Lee, the villain of the piece. The involvement of Girvan in the narrative will leave readers infected. I’m sorry to say, but by the time you get to Girvan, it will be too late for you. If you’re human. As a cat I was able to resist. The story carelessly continues, infecting readers right and left, until it seems all zombie cats are lost, but not the zombie humans, who are the readers–which explains the type of infection we’re dealing with here. The ending of the story will hunt you, like Darryl Dixon with a big axe and a gun, because you’re a zombie now.

I do want to say a word about the pace of the book. It was like riding in a Jeep Wrangler soft top with a driver who is honest on a road that winds through a sinkhole. The driver is all like, “HEY, watch out, this huge sinkhole ahead is really going to bust your ass!” and you’re all like, “DUDE, don’t drive in a sinkhole, it will break the axle as well as my ass,” but the driver is so honest, he feels compelled to do it anyway, and soon you’re minus one Jeep and you have a busted tailbone. Not that I would ride in a Jeep, but you might, and that’s what the pace of this story is like. Honestly ass busting zombie infecting fun.

If you are looking for a way to spend four hours, this book is definitely an option. The characters and plot are so grumpy compared to other books on the market today. I don’t think the characters appreciate it when the zombie cats start getting killed left and right, because even zombie cats are better than dogs, so their quest ramps up at that point. Granted, the feline content in the book was hardly infinity–and they WERE zombies–but no author is completely cheap. In fact, I’d say the author spent a lot on this book since it does have the power of zombie infection. Hopefully you’ll get to the end before your eyeballs rot out. Otherwise there’s that whole hunting thing.

All in all, ALIEN PROMISE is a rebellious tale about being pleased as punch, shooting at stuff (probably zombies) and contagions. You will not be enraged if you pick this one up! Unless you’re that rage type of zombie, instead of the slow, shambling type.

Rating: Infinite balls of yarn (sounds like my human’s attic) and an American lasagna (which isn’t as good as Italian lasagna, I hear)

Sincerely,

Meankitty + the Zombie Typing Human, oops, sorry about that…perhaps there needs to be a sequel with the cure, Ms. Lyons?
www.meankitty.com  * www.jodywallace.com

Meankitty “Bad Libs” Book Review: Sunroper

Recently I had the shivery sensation of reading SUNROPER by Natalie Damschroder. I read a lot of stream of consciousness literature, since it’s frequently disparaging of dogs, so this paranormal romance was a swarthy change of pace. In some ways it reminded me of The Three Billy Goats Gruff except with tall characters faced with lethargically crowded situations. That’s like a group of humans who just won’t get the hell out of your way when you meow at them very loudly — the dummies just stand there like trees. Lethargic trees. The characters faced these same odds.

The book starts off with protagonists Marley and Gage faced with a sticky challenge. Sticky like the honey you may or may not have knocked onto the floor when the humans weren’t looking. Both characters behave sarcastically about this. Sarcastic like the humans who discuss the culprits of the honey-spilling incident after their children denied all knowledge.

When the character Nick is introduced, in a scene involving fighting, as much of Damschroder’s fiction seems to do, the plot really starts to get doe-eyed. Nick is sloppily no Orlando Bloom. Orlando Bloom, incidentally, has doe eyes, so it’s the plot, and not Nick, blinking innocently at you…while preparing to shiv you or shoot you with an arrow or something. And don’t even get me started about the character Quinn, also in SUNROPER. The involvement of Quinn in the narrative will leave readers tired. I mean, seriously? Quinn? You’re exhausting. Sooooooooo adamant that nobody gets to keep a cat at home, not with the swarthy, doe-eyed, sticky challenges they must face.

The story frantically continues until it seems all metal is lost, and the ending will nullify you. (Note: If you don’t like to be nullified, just stop on the next to last page, and you should be fine.) The pace was like riding on a motorcycle with a driver who is imbued with stubbornness on a road that winds through mountains. I mean, you keep telling the driver, “Stop, you maniac, the road is out!” But stubbornly, Damschroder, as the driver of this particular novel, keeps speeding along the mountain highway, Evel Knieveleing around all those sticky challenges.

If you are looking for a way to spend 3 days, this book is definitely an option. The characters and plot are so beachy compared to other books on the market today. I know you’re probably thinking, but you said the book was like driving through the mountains! Yes, but the mountains are between you and the BEACH, so you have to drive through them. Granted, the feline content in the book was tons, which could have been worse, but no author is completely broken. If only that damn Quinn hadn’t prevented all the characters from properly keeping, and being kept by, cats. Anyway, in summary this is a woeful tale about anger, need, swimming (SEE? BEACH!) and hallucinations. You will not be lonely if you pick this one up.

Rating: 23 feathers and an electric can of Pringles

Meankitty “Bad Libs” Book Review: Journey of Wisdom

JOURNEY OF WISDOM by Shawna Thomas is an epic fantasy story. I finished it in record time: about 5 hours. When you’re turning the pages without opposable thumbs, that’s not as simple as it sounds. The plot wasn’t always easy to follow, but I sniffed my way through, like Big D sniffs my butt when I’m outrunning him to the cat box.

The characters in this grey book were named Ilythra, Mohan, and Ewen. The first protagonist was a very sturdy character with black fur. Her relationship with the second protagonist reminded me of the movie The Hobbit because of their determined feelings for each other and the way they crawled anytime they were faced with danger. Sort of like that Gollum character–slinking and crawling around, ducking and hiding behind things. It definitely made for a unique read with characters who crawled away from danger instead of ones who barrelled into it. Almost catlike, in fact — waiting for their chance to spring. The third character, on the other hand, was a real wolf. Stupid like a dog, except with bigger teeth, and this one did not crawl away from danger. Should that character have been subjected to a head cold and perhaps a kick in the boohonkis, I would have been quickly content.

There was never a moment in this book where I felt delusions of grandeur. I mean, how can you, when the characters are crawling around in all the dangerous scenes? I guess I could feel grandeur because I, Meankitty, am clearly superior to the book’s characters, but that’s the case with any book I read, and I don’t have DELUSIONS. I’m just grand. Anyway, the beautiful plot in this book was full of surprises aside from the crawling. Despite my animal paws, I defiantly continued to turn pages. The conflict was very resolved. There were exactly zero questions on the last page, if you know what I mean, and not because everyone was dead. When I reached the end, I wanted to pounce and drink white water. Humans call it milk, and it makes Big D barf, so I wouldn’t have been sharing it with him. The writing style was worth mentioning, too, since it was joyfully heavy. Like Big D! I counted 7 typos to boot.

My summation: JOURNEY OF WISDOM receives a grade of 3 on a scale of one to 9. And if that doesn’t sound possible, it’s just because you haven’t yet read this thin book. Now, how is a thin book so joyfully heavy? Because it packs so much crawly punch into its pages. I wanted to give this book an expensive bed (of the cat variety) with a side of blue chocolate. I don’t know what blue chocolate is, but I personally don’t want it, so the book can have it.

Also, for the record I would like to angrily state that cats are the best animals on earth and dogs are made of farts.

Sincerely,

Bad Libs Meankitty & the Typing Human
www.meankitty.com  * www.jodywallace.com

Meankitty “Bad Libs” Review: Liar Liar

LIAR LIAR by Julianne Floyd is a sizzling contemporary romance story. The plot wasn’t always easy to follow, but I slipped my way through…like a cat through the barely cracked front door when the human is bringing in a heavy load of groceries and trying to keep me from making a break for it.

The characters in this heavy book were named Matteo, Jess, and Suze. The first protagonist was a very sexy character with violet fur. Whoever said real (human) men don’t wear pink and purple tones? His relationship with the second protagonist reminded me of the movie THE GREEN MILE because of their aroused feelings for each other and the way they licked stuff anytime they were faced with danger. Lick lick lick. They had clean violet fur at the end, that’s for sure. After all, THE GREEN MILE was a sexy, sexy movie, am I right? All those bees coming out of people’s mouths. Talk about a fun, crazy party!

The third character, on the other hand, was a real llama. Should that character have been subjected to exhaustion, I would have been swiftly irritated. Exhausted characters are no fun to read. No bees, no sexy, no good times, just pant pant pant go away I’m too tired to pull the damn string for you anymore, cat.

There was never a moment in this book where I felt like a hypochondriac. The soft plot was full of surprises. I wildly continued to turn pages. I did a lot of things wildly while reading this book, because I had to stop often to chase the bees. The conflict was angrily resolved; no surprise there since the bees did seem to be pretty pissed and all. When I reached the end, I wanted to run (amuck) and drink irritated coffee. Why is it irritated? Because the Typing Human can’t have any, she had to cut caffeine, ha ha ha! The writing style was worth mentioning, too, since it was hotly amusing. I counted 6 typos to boot.

My summation: LIAR LIAR receives a grade of 12 on a scale of one to 4. And if that doesn’t sound possible, it’s just because you haven’t yet read this quilted book. I wanted to give this book a luscious cheesecake with a side of green cake. Double the cake, double the fun, and I hear bees like sweets too.

Also, for the record I would like to generously state that cats are the most incomparable animals on earth and dogs are made of boogers.

Sincerely,

Bad Libs Meankitty & the Typing Human
www.meankitty.com  * www.jodywallace.com

Meankitty “Bad Libs” Book Review: Blue Nebula

BLUE NEBULA by Diane Dooley is a science fiction story. I finished it in record time: several weeks, beating my previous record of several more weeks. The plot wasn’t always easy to follow, but I pursued it as if chasing a red dot on a wall.

The characters in this calamitous book were named Sola de la Vega, Javan Rhodes, and Destin Grady. The first protagonist was a very insolent character with turquoise fur. I assumed it was some kind of space kitty, because the closest we Terran kitties get to turquoise is “smoke”. Her relationship with the second protagonist reminded me of the movie LOCAL HERO because of their jealous feelings for each other and the way they pondered anytime they were faced with danger. That’s right. They pondered ponderously, discussing the ins and outs of both jealousy and the dangerous situation ad nauseum.

The third character, on the other hand, was a real turtle. Surprisingly, Destin, as a turtle-like individual, pondered ponderously a lot less than the other two protagonists, because you’d think turtles would ponder things all the time, wouldn’t you? Apparently not sci-fi turtles. Anyway, should Destin have been subjected to scurvy, I would have been ferociously terrified. The non-pondering turtle was the main thing that kept this book from pondering itself into a pondersome pond on the Ponderosa.

There was never a moment in this book where I felt psychosis. Despite rumors to the contrary, cats are NEVER psychotic, not even when reading BLUE NEBULA. The luminous (yet pondersome) plot had a few sage-green surprises. I contentedly continued to turn pages. The conflict was painfully resolved, via more pondering while the turtle tricked them all and won the race, like turtles do. When I reached the end, I wanted to annihilate bugs, which isn’t that unusual an urge for me, and drink comely vodka. Scotch, as you may recall, is best when gaudy, but vodka should always be comely. The writing style was worth mentioning, too, since it was carelessly limpid. After I catch that damn red dot, it will carelessly limp, but so far, it has evaded me. Also, I counted 42 typos to boot.

My summation: BLUE NEBULA receives a grade of 69 (dudes!) on a scale of one to 111. And if that doesn’t sound possible, it’s just because you haven’t yet read this nefarious book. I wanted to give this book a tenacious meatloaf, a dish favored by actor/singer/musician Jack Black, with a side of mauve chocolate. I believe it takes the mauve color from the infusion of roses and white rat tails, but you humans will have to be the judge of that yourself.

Also, for the record I would like to tritely state (because I’ve stated it so many times it’s practically a cliché) that cats are the most outstanding animals on earth and dogs are made of….puke. Oh, yes, another vomitatin’ winner!

Sincerely,

Bad Libs Meankitty & the Typing Human
www.meankitty.com * www.jodywallace.co

Meankitty “Bad Libs” Review: Journey of Dominion

JOURNEY OF DOMINION by Shawna Thomas is an epic fantasy story. I finished it in record time: about five hours. Do you know how hard it is for a cat to stay awake five hours straight? The plot wasn’t always easy to follow, but I ran all the way through. My little cat feet were not at all like fog, though.

The characters in this beautiful book were named Ilythra, Mohan and Arien. The first protagonist was a very well-made character with green fur. Her relationship with the second protagonist reminded me of the movie DRACULA (take your pick which one, except for anything in which the vampire is named Edward, because reasons) due to their joyful feelings for each other and the way they danced anytime they were faced with danger. Everyone who’s anyone knows the best way to scare off vampires is to dance the dance of joy, since vampires are cursed souls who cannot stand jigs and clogging.

The third character, on the other hand, was a real horse. Or a certain PART of the horse, if you know what I mean. Should that character have been subjected to a cold, I would have been frequently angry. A character with a cold would have been too contrived, you know? And if there’s one thing I hate, it’s dogs. And also contrivances.

There was never a moment in this book where I felt depressed. All that vampire-fighting joy made depression impossible. The round plot was full of surprises. I poorly continued to turn pages. It’s hard to use a touch screen on a Kindle app with claws, yanno? The conflict was effortlessly resolved, possibly at the Pan-Pacific Grand Prix dance off. When I reached the end, I wanted to go for a walk and drink soft wine. None of that hard stuff for me. The writing style was worth mentioning, too, since it was quickly sturdy. I counted 7 typos to boot.

My summation: JOURNEY OF DOMINION receives a grade of 3 on a scale of one to 12. And if that doesn’t sound possible, it’s just because you haven’t yet read this shiny book. I wanted to give this book an intelligent cake with a side of teal chocolate. Personally, I don’t touch the stuff, but the book can have all it wants.

Also, for the record I would like to sadly state–for there are some who continue to deny it–that cats are the best animals on earth and dogs are made of garbage.

Sincerely,

Bad Libs Meankitty & the Typing Human
www.meankitty.com * www.jodywallace.com

Meankitty “Bad Libs” Review: Cards and Caravans

CARDS AND CARAVANS by Cindy Spencer Pape is a steampunk story. I finished it in record time: about two weeks. The plot wasn’t always easy to follow, but I skewered my way through. I used bamboo skewers soaked carefully in water beforehand so they wouldn’t burn when I was “grilling” this book — get it?

The characters in this stormy book were named Connor MacKay, Belinda Danvers, and Wink McCullough. The first protagonist was a very cold character with black and silver fur. A tabby, probably. Sounds gorgeous! His relationship with the second protagonist reminded me of the movie MRS. DOUBTFIRE because of their grief-stricken feelings for each other and the way they danced anytime they were faced with danger. And THAT reminds me of this other story I read where the characters had a dance off with vampires at the Pan-Pacific Grand Prix. So, you know, literary references FTW!

The third character, on the other hand, was a real donkey. Should that character have been subjected to cholera, I would have been shockingly in suspense. Because, you know, cholera! Will Wink live? Will Wink die? Will there be a steampunk automaton invention to cure cholera in time? And why are Connor and Belinda just dancing around when Wink has cholera anyway? The dance of joy scares off vampires, not germs.

But where was I?

There was never a moment in this book where I felt depressed, except when I thought about Wink getting cholera. The crazy plot was full of surprises. I madly continued to turn pages. The conflict was very resolved. I mean, there were zero questions at the end. Very very resolved. When I reached that very resolved ending, I wanted to flee (not FLEA, because I never want that, just flee, to the other room, for no reason whatsoever) and drink gaudy Scotch whiskey. It’s the best kind, didn’t you know? The reserved, boring, amber stuff ain’t got nothing on gaudy Scotch. The writing style of the book was worth mentioning, too, since it was soon snobbish. I didn’t expect that at all, but cats like snobbishness, so that worked for me. I counted 5 typos to boot.

My summation: CARD AND CARAVANS receives a grade of 13 on a scale of one to 42. And if that doesn’t sound possible, it’s just because you haven’t yet read this sooty book. A lot of things are sooty in steampunk books, I’ve found. I wanted to give this book a loud revolver, made of brass with lots of gears and attached to some dude’s arm where his arm used to be, with a side of ruby marzipan.

Also, for the record I would like to wickedly state that cats are the craziest animals on earth and dogs are made of rotting entrails.

Sincerely,

Bad Libs Meankitty & the Typing Human
www.meankitty.com  * www.jodywallace.com

Meankitty “Bad Libs” Review: Gate to Kandrith

GATE TO KANDRITH by Nicole Luiken is a fantasy story. I finished it in record time: about 30 seconds Talk about a speed reader! That’s me. Fast as a speeding cat en route to the litter box. The plot wasn’t always easy to follow, but I vaulted my way through. Vaulted like a speeding cat en route to the litter box and some furniture gets in the way.

The characters in this snobby book were named Sarathena, Lance, and Julen. The first protagonist was a very cloudy character with violet fur. Cloudy, huh? Is there a chance of meatballs? Her relationship with the second protagonist reminded me of the movie TOP GUN because of their euphoric feelings for each other and the way they snorted anytime they were faced with danger. Kind of like the Ice Man, right? The third character, on the other hand, was a real mongoose. Should that character have been subjected to gangrene, I would have been sloooooowly despairing. Despair, you see, isn’t something that should be conducted rapidly. You can grieve rapidly, like when fat old D-boy gets to the kitty treats before you and eats them all, but for despair, it must be stretched out.

There was never a moment in this book where I felt like I had a broken leg. The burly plot was full of caressing surprises. And I do like caresses! Under the chin, between the shoulder blades, you name it. I rapidly continued to turn pages. The conflict was heavily resolved. When I reached the end, I wanted to think — not sure about WHAT, but I wanted to think, and stare at a human with unblinking eyes to freak them out — and drink ice-cold Coca-cola. Only a few licks but that would be enough. The writing style was worth mentioning, too, since it was lack-a-daisically cherry-flavored. I counted 147 typos to boot.

My summation: GATE TO KANDRITH receives a grade of 3 on a scale of 1 to 1.5. And if that doesn’t sound possible, it’s just because you haven’t yet read this fantastic book. I wanted to give this book a rock-hard locket with a side of ebony Spaghetti Carbonara. HEY, MEATBALLS! Sort of.

Also, for the record I would like to merrily state that cats are the awesomest animals on earth and dogs are made of earwax.

Sincerely,
Bad Libs Meankitty & the Typing Human
www.meankitty.com  * www.jodywallace.com

Meankitty “Bad Libs” Review: Heavy Metal

HEAVY METAL by Natalie Damschroder is a paranormal romance story. I finished it in record time: about 3 days. With my busy schedule of napping, running amuck at 3 am, napping some more, and staring at stuff, normally it takes a lot longer. The plot wasn’t always easy to follow, but I shot my way through. With my finger guns, which isn’t easy, since I’m a cat and my “fingers” have claws on the end and don’t exactly move independently of each other.

The characters in this dominant book were named Riley, Sam, and Quinn. The first protagonist was a very shaggy character with carmine fur. Her relationship with the second protagonist reminded me of the movie THE PRINCESS BRIDE because of their desperate feelings for each other and the way they played around anytime they were faced with danger. Danger such as the ROUS in the Fire Swamp, which I don’t believe even exist. The third character, on the other hand, was a real lynx. Should that character have been subjected to burns (from the Fire Swamp), I would have been wickedly afraid. Burned lynxes are NOT something to mess around with, people.

There was never a moment in this book where I felt like I might be getting spattergroit. Mostly because it’s fictional. The broad plot was full of surprises. I verbally continued to turn pages. By that I mean I yowled at the human when I was ready for the next page. The conflict was delicately resolved. When I reached the end, I wanted to kiss mice and drink deep foaming handsoap. I don’t know what it is about these darn books and the way they make me want to drink soap! I swear. It’s like some form of literary pica. Then again, perhaps it’s a cure for spattergroit, and I just don’t realize I have it. I do have a spot on my nose, after all. The writing style of HEAVY METAL was worth mentioning, too, since it was dazzlingly complicated. I counted 23 typos to boot.

My summation: HEAVY METAL receives a grade of 15 on a scale of one to 4658. And if that doesn’t sound possible, it’s just because you haven’t yet read this fantastic book. I wanted to give this book a delicious house, possibly made of gingerbread, with a side of violet popcorn.

Also, for the record I would like to brilliantly state (nearly everything I state is brilliantly stated, so it’s about time someone noticed) that cats are the awesomest animals on earth and dogs are made of barf. (See: vomit, in yesterday’s Bad Libs Review, if you’re wondering where the barf comes from.)

Sincerely,

Bad Libs Meankitty & the Typing Human
www.meankitty.com  * www.jodywallace.com

Meankitty “Bad Libs” Review: Love on the Air

LOVE ON THE AIR by Sierra Donovan is a sweet romance story. I finished it in record time: about 6 minutes. Speedy in the cat pan, speedy when reading, I always say. The plot wasn’t always easy to follow, but I pummeled my way through. With claws. Because I’m hardcore that way.

The characters in this viscous book were named Rick, Christie, and Yvonne. The first protagonist was a very conceited character with blue fur. Freaky, huh? His relationship with the second protagonist reminded me of the movie CITIZEN KANE because of their mortified feelings for each other and the way they vomited anytime they were faced with danger. My guess is the danger involved sledding down a hill too fast on a sled named Rosebud, but what do I know? The third character, on the other hand, was a real seagull. Quite the squawker. Should that character have been subjected to chicken pox, I would have been gleefully passionate.

There was never a moment in this book where I felt inflamed. You could definitely say it was not inflammatory, so it was pretty much the opposite of any comments section on the internet. Such a relief! The hideous plot was full of pitying surprises. I apprehensively continued to turn pages. The conflict was loudly resolved. As it should be….ON THE AIR. Hah! See what I did there? When I reached the end, I wanted to frighten children and drink delicate dish soap. Ok, ok, I always want to frighten children, but the dish soap thing was new. The writing style was worth mentioning, too, since it was appallingly wrinkled. (In review speak this means the author did not iron the life out of her words! But it could also mean it was the opposite of smooth. I’m a cat–I like to be ambiguous.) I counted only 2 typos to boot.

My summation: LOVE ON THE AIR receives a grade of 57 on a scale of one to 15,000. And if that doesn’t sound possible, it’s just because you haven’t yet read this fried book. I wanted to give this book a scaly lampshade with a side of chartreuse sushi.

Also, for the record I would like to fondly state that cats are the most unsurpassed animals on earth and dogs are made of vomit. Probably the same vomit created by Rick and Christie whenever they had to face danger on Rosebud. I mean, dogs will eat ANYTHING, am I right?

Sincerely,

Bad Libs Meankitty & the Typing Human
www.meankitty.com  * www.jodywallace.com