Upbeat Authors and Favorite Quotes

Mondays for the forseeable future aren’t going to be so grey and sad around here. I’ve joined a group of writers who have pinky sworn to be HAPPY on Mondays! At least on social media. As such you can scan social media on Mondays with the hashtag #upbeatauthors and see what goodies people have shared that might put a bounce in your step and a swagger in your coffee. Swagger, incidentally, is like a really nice cream.

Today’s theme is Favorite Quotes, and here’s one of mine!
Everybody have a fantastic day, you hear?

Jody Wallace
Smart. Snarky. Seductive. And that’s just the books.
http://www.jodywallace.com * http://www.meankitty.com

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Writing with Cat(s)

funny-cat-pushing-things-off-table-fuck-this-animated-gif-picsHere’s how to be a writer owned by cats! Especially when you’re in a multilevel house, like the Wallaces are now. Just follow these simple instructions to enhance your productivity.

1) TIME TO WRITE! Dodge cat while getting coffee.

2) Feed cat a treat so you won’t trip over cat while carrying coffee down the stairs.

3) Trip over cat while carrying coffee down the stairs. Spill coffee.

4) Get coffee, free of cat, since some of the coffee spilled on the cat and she is now in furious hiding.

5) Step on wet coffee spill on stairs while headed to writing nest.

6) Put coffee on table beside computer/chair, change into dry socks, clean up coffee spill on stairs.

7) Finally go sit down in writing next, place laptop in lap, activate recliner.

patche8) Ahhhhhh!

9) Grab coffee to take a sip.

10) Spit coffee out because it’s full of cat hair.

11) Cat peeks from behind the couch to see what all the noise is.

12) Notice the wet cat prints made of coffee on the table next to your coffee mug.

13) Clean coffee off laptop.

14) Take coffee upstairs, avoiding wet rug. Get more coffee.

15) Return downstairs to writing nest. Cat still rage-hiding.

16) Get into position, recliner, laptop, fresh coffee.

17) Ahhhhhh!

tbone18) The sound of cat horking in the other room in 5…4…3…2…

19) Try to get out of seat really fast while holding laptop, with feet up in recliner. Drop laptop on floor. Recliner too slow.

20) Race to other room (carpeted) so you can spot the hork before you…

21) Step in hork puddle that blends in with your “clever” stain-hiding carpet.

22) Get dry socks.

23) Clean cat hork up with dirty socks. They’re dirty anyway, and the paper towels are upstairs.

24) Rinse cat hork off of socks into toilet. Place socks on side of tub to dry.

25) Return to writing nest, carefully avoiding hork spot.

Arnie26) The cat is in your writing spot, sound asleep.

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Jody Wallace & Meankitty

Smart. Snarky. Seductive. And that’s just the books.

http://www.jodywallace.com * http://www.meankitty.com

 

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Writerly Deep Thoughts: Dirty Limericks

Don’t sing really clever dirty limericks to yourself in the car, because you can’t write them down. You can never get those dirty limericks back. You’ve got to save that shit for when you have a pencil and paper.

408mknan

 

Jody Wallace
Smart. Snarky. Seductive. And that’s just the books.
http://www.jodywallace.com * http://www.meankitty.com

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How to Respond to Negative Reviews, Take 3

Have you all been following Meankitty’s helpful advice about negative reviews? Well, here is some more that she wanted to share with you today. Should you receive a stenchy review that you feel does your book a disservice, there’s always the “cover up”.

Meankitty recommends streaking away from the scene of the coverup at top speed after the deed is done, yowling hideously so the humans freak out and worry that you hurt yourself in there. Either that or make sure some other cat/author/person is photographed at the scene so you’re not the one who gets blamed.
Sincerely,
Meankitty & JW
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Dear Meankitty: dot dot dot

Dear Mean Kitty,

I find you very attractive … my name is Pallo … I am nine months old …

I’m black with a very long tail and legs … I like long naps … watching birds …

I want so bad to bite my MOM and DAD … but they won’t let me … they always play with me with toys … never ever … letting me get a hold of their nice tender fingers … I do get to bite their toes every once in a while … tasty! They have a fuzzy kitty hand puppet I just love to bite into … their training always had their hands away from me and toys in front of me!

Now … the reason I cackle … it’s a hunting thing … when I’m watching the Morning Doves and Yellow Finches … they drive me wild … I cackle!

I hope this explain to you our inherited traits … wish humans would just let us be! We … Mesha and I … have watched your videos … we think your DAD is very talented and handsome …

Love you …

Pallo

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Dear Pallo,

I am flattered … you have yellow eyes like a lemon … but you are too young … for me. That being … said, the way to your humans’ flesh is … through the toy! Shred it … and the sweet flesh … is yours.

PS Who … do you think, based on the videos, is my … DAD? A … human? Humans are not … parents … they are staff … And not even my feline … mother knew my actual father’s name. Yet he was … clearly of high intellect to have … produced … me.

So I guess what I’m saying is … no doubt he was very talented and handsome.

Sincerely,
Meankitty

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Dear Meankitty: Am I Allergic?

Dear Meankitty,

I use to think having cat hair on everything I owned was a cute symbol of showing the world I was owned and loved by a cat. It never bothered me. But now I think it may be causing my itchy, watery eyes. Normally I would just be a man and take some allergy medicine. However I am being blacklisted at local drugstores because pharmacists think that I am making meth because I am buying such large quantities of medicine. What can I do?

Sneezy and Itchy

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Dear Sneezy,

Go to more out of town pharmacies. Allergies shouldn’t be allowed to get in the way of your duties as your cat’s chief cook and litterbox scooper!

Sincerely,

MK
www.meankitty.com

(PS: Or you can just wait it out. It’s a record pollen year. It’s not the cat.)

**

Anybody else got advice for Sneezy? Tell us in the comments!

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Advice: Bad Tessa

Dear Meankitty,

My calico, Tessa, was impregnated at an early age by a neighborhood tabby. She now lives with me and one of her calico daughters, Shannon, in my studio apt. Tessa has become quite violent (particularly at night) toward Shannon and myself. Her pupils dilate and the nice, calm, daytime Tessa goes away; making room for insane, ultraviolent Tessa.

I dont like her when she’s like that. Not one bit! What on earth do I do? Please help…

Signed,

Charlie

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Dear Charlie….

What advice would YOU give Dear Charlie, Meankitty fans? What’s up with this whole Tessa switcheroo? Is this just Tessa’s way of maintaining her SOHC membership? Or is it something deeper?

Sincerely,
Meankitty
www.meankitty.com

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Help a Human Out….

We’ve gotten a couple interesting emails from Meankitty servants lately we thought we’d share here. What advice would you give these poor souls?

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Dear Meankitty,

My cat is almost 1 year old and he won’t shut up. He miaows constantly and it drives us up the wall. How can I get him to be quiet?

Many thanks,
A.M Burnett

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Dear Meankitty,

We leave a drink sitting out. It gets knocked over. How can we stop our mean cat from knocking over our glasses?

Signed,
Momkoz and 2 grandsons who can sing mean kitty song

Meankitty’s note: I’m glad the grandsons can sing the mean kitty song but you do all realize Meankitty and Sparta of the “Little Mean Kitty” video are two different felines, yes? Both very awesome felines, naturally, but different ones.

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Dear Meankitty,

I’m not really a writer, just a computer programmer — and after almost 40 years of programming, I STILL cannot ‘touch-type’. Discovered a product called “Click-n-Type” that allows me to type (kinda) when lap & one arm are occupied by a meankitty. It’s a freebie, on-screen keyboard; mouse over character & click to type, right-click for shifted character. But even this wouldn’t have been good enough for a dearly departed meankitty (Elvira, the Vamp). She used to attack my mouse-hand, when i dared to stop petting…

Ken T.
Moline Acres (north StLouis County) MO

Meankitty’s note: I guess Ken doesn’t need help…but the email is informative!

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Dear Meankitty,

My adoptive brother Tonky can catch lizards and chipmunks. I am very proud of him even though I can catch those things too. The problem is he catches with mouth and leaves them on the porch where I just pounce on them and eat only snakes. Now he is slightly bulimic. Routine: Yowl til let outside, wait by chipmunk hole (stupid creatures) or explore. I watch by window til he’s back several hours later. When I go to greet him he ignores me and heads straight to the food dish. (Unless he catches something then the smallest slave chases him and screams) After consumes quite a bit of those dry pellets he throws up. I am worried about him. Also is unusually quiet.

Sincerely his adoptive sister,

Poly

P.S. Have had snake before? It is real fun playing with them as the move like a string! Til I pounce a couple times. Then I eat them. (head first)

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Dear Meankitty,

i think my cat has a mental broblem becuse sometimes when im playing with my cat she goes insane and runs into mirrors and glass walls…. for no aperent reason what do you think is wrong

Sincerely,
(unsigned)

***

So, what do you guys think?

MK
www.meankitty.com

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