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Meankitty “Bad Libs” Review: Best in Show

best in showBest in Show by Kelly Jensen is a paranormal romance story. I finished it in record time: about one week. Considering I was juggling multiple cat jobs at the time, this was impressive. I had to hassle the other cats, shed hair on anything the humans wore, poop in front of the cat box daily, beg under the table, sleep in all the sunspots, and howl at 2 am. A cat’s work is never done. The plot of Best in Show wasn’t always easy to follow, but I licked my way through. Lick, lick, lick. Which reminds me! One of my jobs is licking plastic shopping bags, and I haven’t done it today. Back later to finish this review.

*3 days later*

The characters in this gentle book were named Julian, Macavity, Alicia and Claire. The first protagonist was a very tasty character with prickly fur. I like the way Julian rubbed himself with tuna to be more attractive to felines. I think there was a cat show in here, so it figures. His relationship with the second protagonist reminded me of the movie Beauty and the Beast because of their squeaky feelings for each other and the way they danced around anytime they were faced with danger. I am not sure that the love interest appreciated the tuna rubs the way the cats in the cat show did, but hey, cats come first, am I right? The third character, on the other hand, was a real Jeep. Rugged, gas guzzling, and not the best fit for urban areas. Should that character have been subjected to a trip to a forest, maybe to do some four wheeling, I would have been vividly affectionate. I would have wound around everyone’s legs and rubbed fur on them. This would have made the Jeepy character a lot happier, and I like happy humans. They give me treats.

mkeyeballThere was never a moment in this book where I felt exhausted. No, my exhaustion was from my heavy work load of licking and sneaking and pooping. The gingery plot was full of surprises. Not as surprised as the humans are every time they step in poop in the floor, but one day they’ll learn to turn the lights on before they go in the powder room. I’m just doing my part to save cat litter. I rudely continued to turn the pages of the book by swatting the ebook reader when the human was holding it. The conflict was accidentally resolved. When I reached the end, I wanted to swim and drink nutty milk. Which means I was insane, because swim? No. Never. This book will make you want things you didn’t ever want before, but only temporarily. The writing style was worth mentioning, too, since it was gracefully hairy. This made up for the fact I secretly wanted to swim after reading it. I counted sixteen typos to boot. Humans aren’t perfect, but that’s pretty close.

My summation: Best in Show receives a grade of three on a scale of one to a lot. And if that doesn’t sound possible, it’s just because you haven’t yet read this loyal book. I feel like it is dedicated to making you think about things in a different way. Like swimming and licking bags. I wanted to give this book a wet Dame Judy Dench with a side of brown Jake Gyllenhaal.

Also, for the record I would like to often state that cats are the most outstanding animals on earth and dogs are made of pity. I pity the human who likes dogs better than cats, for sure!

Sincerely,

Meankitty

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Meankitty Wants to Know: Kelly Jensen Kitties

1) Jensen kitties (of author Kelly Jensen fame), tell us about yourselves. That’s the most important thing. And include glamour shots!

Jack the cat
Jack is handsome and charming.

I’m Jack and I’m going to appoint myself spokeskitty for the group. Shadow only knows how to produce a pathetic squeak that is completely unbecoming of her size, and someone dropped Sisi on her head when she was a kitten. She makes no sense. Ever. I, of course, am the perfect cat. If my fur were black, I’d have what you call a tuxedo pattern. I think my grey tabby coat is much more attractive than boring old black, however. I’m handsome and charming and my whites are always extremely white. I groom for hours to achieve this effect. Shadow and Sisi are both all black. Boring black. Well, Shadow has three white hairs on her chest. They’re weird. She should pluck them out.

2) I gather your human writes books. Does this mean she is home all day and easy to access? Elaborate if necessary. How does this benefit you?

Kelly is home all day and easy to access. The stalking begins early, usually before the sun has risen, when we hustle her downstairs to the treat container. Treats must be spread in a single arc across the floor so all three of us can get our faces down there at the same time. Kelly is then allowed to amuse herself until the child goes to school, which is when she heads back upstairs to begin what she calls work. I help by sitting on the corner of her desk. Sometimes I put my paw on her keyboard. Or I touch her face. Or I stand in front of the monitor so she can admire the grey stripes along my side. Ideally, Kelly will praise and kiss me while I do this. She doesn’t seem to understand that I do not want to be picked up at this point, however.

Around the time we’re finishing our first nap, Kelly runs up the driveway. I followed her once. She continued running up the street. There was no mouse, no vole, not even a chipmunk. Nothing. She just ran… and came back in an hour. She does this every morning. It’s very confusing.

Sisi the cat
Sisi was dropped on her head as a kitten.

Then she goes back to the computer. At lunch time she sits on the couch for half an hour to an hour. I lick her sandwich when she’s not looking, which is often as she watches the TV while eating. Then it’s back to her computer. Shadow’s on shift in the afternoon. She doesn’t get on the desk, though. She’s too lazy, or just plain uncoordinated. Sisi gets the evening shift, which is the easiest, really. That’s when Kelly returns to the couch for extended periods.

black cat in a flower pot
Shadow also likes to sit in planters.

3) What are your techniques for distracting your human during crucial writing moments, just because it’s fun?

Well, there’s the aforementioned screen blocking. I enjoy that very much. Shadow likes to sit in her chair. Kelly will often kneel at the computer rather than disturb her. Sisi is very bad at interference. She never bothers Kelly while she’s working. Our dear departed sister Java was an excellent distraction. She liked to bring small mammals inside and crunch on them right beside Kelly’s desk. I dropped a snake on her foot once. It was very effective. I should try it again.

4) What indignities and neglect have you suffered because of your human’s writing career?

She doesn’t cook very interesting food when she’s writing. It’s sandwiches, sandwiches and more sandwiches. I prefer salmon, tuna—particularly the casserole she makes with corn—lasagna, shrimp and pizza. Kelly makes very good pizza. Good sauce.

5) Tell me about the felines in your human’s fiction. How often do they appear and how big a part do they play? I hear there’s a new book about cat shifters.

Many of her characters keep company with cats. My favourite would be Socks, who traveled with Iain. Don’t ask me about Iain, I don’t care about Iain. Socks, however, was a great cat. He had Iain trained to carry him across his shoulders. He got to go everywhere with Iain. I’d like to go everywhere with Kelly. Except when she runs up the driveway. That just seems rather pointless.

best in showThis new book with the cat that changes into a human is very confusing. Why would a cat willingly change into a human? It makes no sense, particularly when, as I understand it, the cat in this book had the human wrapped around his forepaw. Nova lox for breakfast? Kelly could take a lesson from this.

6) What books in the future will feature cats? Oh, and a new fad soon to hit the shifter world — shifter pigs. Better get in while the getting is good.

She’s planning a sequel to Best in Show (the confusing book with the cat that can change into a human). It will feature an entire family of cats who can do the same thing. I honestly don’t think she understands her audience. Who wants to read about a lot of cats switching between human and cat form? They’re obviously very confused people. Kelly should write about cats that change into nothing.

The book she’s writing right now has four cats in it. I approve. Charlie, her main character, is a very good cat person. Well, except for the fact he also owns a dog. I’m very glad Kelly doesn’t own a dog.

Bacon comes from pigs, doesn’t it? I like bacon.

7) What works of fiction or cinema involving cats does your human enjoy sharing with you?

Kelly watches a lot of anime and cats seem to be, in general, highly regarded in these shows. In particular, I like The Cat Returns. She once read a book called I am a Cat. It wasn’t about a cat.sun-spot

8) If you could make one change to your human, what would it be?

For her to understand that after I have spent half an hour grooming my fur, I do not want to be stroked. Every time she touches my fur, I have to lick it again. It’s very frustrating. The worst part is that I think she does it sometimes to tease me.

Sincerely,

Meankitty

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Meankitty “Bad Libs” Review: Unthinkable

UnthinkableLast month when my human shared a release day with author Nina Croft, I had the tingling experience of reading her book Unthinkable. And by “reading” I mean I sat on the book and absorbed the story through my posterior area. I read a lot of creative literature by sitting on it, so this contemporary romance with a hint of sci-fi was a gorgeous change of pace. Quite comfortable and glossy with the added attraction that my human was trying to read it, and my sitting on it was very inconvenient for her. In some ways the book reminded me of The Magician’s Nephew except with adult characters faced with boldly stupid situations. Oh, and no talking horses. Or Narnia. Or magicians. Sci-fi, remember?

The book starts off with protagonists Jake and Christa faced with a sparkling challenge. Kind of like when the sun hits an eastern facing window at my house, the one with the prisms in it, and there are suddenly rainbows and dancing lights all over the floor and walls that MUST DIE. Both characters behave unexpectedly about this. Humans, am I right? They’re so boring. Nobody does any parkour off the walls in order to kill a red dot, and there are no hairballs that get hacked up in revenge.

mkmodelnileSoon thereafter, when the character Sadie is introduced, in a scene involving shooting, the plot really starts to get clumsy. The last thing you need in a contemporary romance with a hint of sci-fi is a clumsy shooter, even if the object being shot is metaphorical. I myself am very good at shooting—shooting evil glances, shooting across the floor in pursuit of an enemy, shooting up the stairs when a human is trying to navigate them while carrying a heavy load. Madly enough, Jamie is no Aiden Quinn.

And don’t even get me started about the colonel. The colonel. What can I say about the colonel that I learned through my posterior? The involvement of the colonel in the narrative will leave readers exhausted. It’s a HUGE effort to read through your posterior when there are red dots to chase and the humans keep trying to take the book out from under you. Over and over and over. It’s enough to make a cat hiss, I tell you. The story blindly continues after the exhausting part with the colonel until it seems all cells are lost, and the ending will escape you. It escaped me because the humans hid the dang thing. I think they put it on the top shelf of a bookcase, the one with the glass figurines on it, the one I have yet to scale. But never give up, never surrender! It’s on my things-to-do list. Climb shelf, break glass, finish Unthinkable. The pace of the book was like riding on a motorcycle with a driver who is fearless on a road that winds through a mountain. This is a thing, mind you, that I have never done, as I detest vehicles of all sorts, but it sounded good.

If you are looking for a way to spend a day, this book is definitely an option. The characters and plot are so immense compared to other books on the market today. It’s probably almost as thick as one of those Harry Potter books, you know? At least from a cat’s perspective. Granted, the feline content in the book was only two kilos, not nearly enough. This could have been better, but no author is completely brilliant…not even one with dogs, cats, and a three-legged pig. So I hear. All in all, Unthinkable is a blonde tale about joy, chasing things, and being terrified. You will not be disgusted if you pick this one up!

1263833Rating: 42 squeaking mice and a brave doughnut

Sincerely,

Meankitty

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Zombie…or Cat?

dial v for vampireMeankitty Interviews Zombie, the main character in Dial V for Vampire

Recently a Meankitty human friend, Isabella Norse, released the first in a new paranormal romantic comedy series, Dial V for Vampire. The series feels like a cozy mixed with a sweet romance — fade to black or no sex scenes, good natured characters, light drama. After this post, if you have any other suggestions in this vein (LOL) of romance, please let us know!

But for now, the premise of this book is that our heroine, Maggie, has a snarky blog about living with a zombie, but when she comes up with the idea for the blog, she has no idea that supernatural creatures actually exist…

1) So, Zombie, how did you select the heroine of the book to be your new human?

When you find yourself living on the streets, you learn to read people quickly or you don’t survive. Maggie had a good heart – she was always stopping to check on me and to bring me food. Sometimes, she even brought me treats from the diner. Life in a sewer drain was hard on these old bones. Once I earned Maggie’s trust, I gave her the opportunity to take me home with her. How could she resist?

2) Are you really as friendly as you seem in the book or are you biding your time?

I’m a pretty chill guy, but I don’t have the patience for drama. I’m not above raising a paw to a youngster in need of a bit of an attitude adjustment. *cough* Van Helsing *cough*

zombiecat23) Do you have plans for the author/heroine to write future books about your adventures? You can include your methods of brain control or inspiring the non-fictional cats in the author’s life if needed.

I’ll make appearances in future novels but I’m enjoying being out of the lime light. My biggest decisions now are deciding between napping on the window seat (great view) or on Maggie’s laptop (it’s warm and guarantees that I get attention). When I feel the need to intervene, my preferred method of mind control is to sleep on Maggie’s head. She thinks the purrs are relaxing – little does she know that the vibration allows me to transfer my thoughts directly into her mind. I just try to act surprised when she acts on the ideas I implanted.

4) I notice the “heat” level of this paranormal romance book was on the sweet side of things. How do you plan to interrupt any hanky panky the hero and heroine try to get up to in order to keep the books PG rated?

That’s almost too easy! There is always the pile of strategically-placed barf (I can barf at will) or a well-timed swipe at Noah’s dangly bits. However, my favorite is the simple sit-and-stare. It weirds the humans out every time!

5) How did you inspire the heroine to be so smart that she was able to help the hero figure out there was a plot against him?

As much as it pains me to admit, I can’t take credit for that one. Maggie is a sharp girl and she had the advantage of looking at Noah’s situation with fresh eyes. However, I will take full credit for bringing them together. *wraps fluffy tail around paws smugly*

6) Can you share a sample blog entry the heroine wrote about you, Zombie, before she found out the truth about zombies?

Gladly. Just don’t let Maggie know that I can use her laptop – she still thinks she is coming up with all of these ideas on her own!

The care and feeding of zombies:

Well y’all, nursing a zombie back to health is easier said than done. I mean, just how healthy is a zombie anyway? Let’s face it, even on their best days, most zombies could use a facial if not a full-body seaweed wrap.

It has taken some experimentation but, in the event that you also find yourself caring for a zombie and don’t have any fresh brains on hand, (in this economy, who does?) canned tuna will work in a pinch.

Next post: Zombie Hygiene

***

Thanks for having me, Meankitty!

Zombie and Isabella (Izzy) Norse

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New Release: PRODIGAL

Here is one of the rejected blurbs for PRODIGAL, the third book in the Maelstrom series…

If angels were aliens and sentient computers were good guys and the super hot Chosen One movie star failed to save the world and then got amnesia and there was an apocalypse…what was I talking about? Oh! PRODIGAL, book 3 of the Maelstrom Chronicles, is a gritty, action-packed, surprisingly humorous examination of the relationship between a kick-ass lady sheriff and the Hollywood hunk who nearly destroyed the world. Together, can they reverse the course of history?

nearlydestroyedtheworld

Go buy my book! Amazon, B&N, iTunes, Kobo

Find more links at the Entangled Publishing page!

You can also participate in my BLOG TOUR which has tons of giveaways and interviews and good times. The two winners get to pick between pigs and cats for their giveaway package and it’s active until September 11. You can see it online at the contests page or click the link below to find out how to enter! Author Nina Croft and I are co-sponsoring the contest, so it’s not just my crazy butt doing it.

http://www.rafflecopter.com/rafl/display/1cb55495931/?

Sincerely,

Jody W & Meankitty

www.jodywallace.com * www.meankitty.com

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Now Seeking: Promo Buddies, Reviewers!

So, PRODIGAL’s coming out in a few weeks. If you would like some unique, free content for your blog, FB page, newsletter, etc, join in my blog tour! http://bit.ly/2aWy9Av

I’m also happy to feature you or something you enjoy on my FB, blog, etc. Swapsies!

If you’d like to review PRODIGAL, it’s at Netgalley and I also have some review copies I get to give away — https://s2.netgalley.com/catalog/book/95865. Know somebody else who might like to review it? Just let me know.

I’ll probably be having contests and such, so remember to sign up for my newsletter, if you haven’t already: https://madmimi.com/signups/104974/join I’m going to share the whole first chapter in the newsletter in a few weeks.

Oh, and I made a pretty with Canva:

blogtour

 

Jody Wallace
Smart. Snarky. Seductive. And that’s just the books.
http://www.jodywallace.com * http://www.meankitty.com

 

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Pets in Spaaaaaaaaaaaace!

PETS_In_Space_cover_artHey, guys! You know how much I love cats, right? And how much I love being the pet of 6 cats? Well, I got invited to tell everyone about this upcoming anthology, Pets in Space, now that the group putting it together has a cover and a release date.

The cover features an attractive male human who I guess is the pet of various animals that appear in the stories in this book. Maybe not this particular human, but someone like him, who can open cans and scritch itchy spots and clean up barf and things that people are good for. And look at that author lineup!

Release Date: October 11 2016

ISBN: 978-1-942583-40-0

Even an alien needs a pet…

Join the adventure as nine pet loving sci-fi romance authors take you out of this world and pull you into their action-packed stories filled with suspense, laughter, and romance. The alien pets have an agenda that will capture the hearts of those they touch. Follow along as they work side by side to help stop a genetically-engineered creature from destroying the Earth to finding a lost dragon; life is never the same after their pets decide to get involved. Can the animals win the day or will the stars shine just a little less brightly?

New York Times, USA TODAY, Award Winning, and Best selling authors have nine original, never-released stories that will capture your imagination and help a worthy charity. Come join us as we take you on nine amazing adventures that will change the way you look at your pet!

10% of the first month’s profits go to Hero-Dogs.org. Hero Dogs raises and trains service dogs and places them free of charge with US Veterans to improve quality of life and restore independence.

***

One story in this anthology really stuck out to me… Two guesses as to why 🙂

STAR CRUISE: STOWAWAY

By Veronica Scott

A ship’s cat and her alien sidekick lead a Cargo Master to a stowaway.

Cargo Master Owen Embersson is shocked when the Nebula Zephyr’s ship’s cat and her alien sidekick, Midorri, alert him to the presence of a stowaway. He has no idea of the dangerous complications to come – nor does he anticipate falling hard for the woman whose life he now holds in his hands. Life aboard the Nebula Zephyr has just become more interesting – and deadly.

 

***

I think when it comes out we’ll do a review, shall we? They created a vid for it, too —

Book Trailer on YouTube:  https://youtu.be/-ztcHpq9rk0

Anyway, hope you all look forward to it as much and Meankitty and I do!

Jody W.

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Independence Day and Kids Making Fun of My Favorite Shit

13465959_10154229825783774_4994453613476773794_nOn one of the group blogs where they let me hang around despite being such a scatterbrained poster, we’re doing a Summer of Magic Blog Hop where you can read fun things and win stuff if you visit the participating authors’ blogs. There is also a grand prize at the Here Be Magic blog. The posts are all be about summery goodness, and I’ve decided to talk about Independence Day.

Not the US Celebration–the movie! Specifically how my kids are finally old enough to see some of my favorite flicks without having nightmares, and we keep showing them our cinematic treasures and they mock them ferociously.

Why are kids such a-holes, man?

Don’t they know that having comic book and sf/f characters on the big screen in the 70s and 80s, despite the now-cheesy elements, was a huge deal for us nerds who’d never thought to see such stories appeal to a mass audience? Star Wars, Star Trek, and other SF movies had aired before, it’s true, but there was definitely an uptick after Star Wars: A New Hope revolutionized special effects–a phenomenon my 14 year old researched and presented for National History Day, no less. So both of my kids KNEW that movie effects haven’t always been the eye- and mind-boggling extravaganza they are now (and I’m sure 30 years from now today’s Force Awakens will get eye rolls from the Youths. I hope my kids enjoy that.) Special effects had to start somewhere.

large_nkj3HRG3g2zjlKRWmjJHvElhX4yOf course, the original Independence Day aired in 1996, years after special effects had become arguably more realistic (Roger Ebert’s Review). But I do have a point! This was one of the movies the hubs and I shared with the kids. Despite how kick-ass that movie is, they still found countless reasons to make fun of it because they’re little jerks. Not the obvious reasons like how Earthlings took down a whole advanced society with a simple computer virus, either. No, they made fun of the dramaz, the over the top, big-budget acting, and their disappointment that the movie didn’t have more women who got to beat up aliens. It was almost all about dudes. (What do you know? I can’t blame them for the last one.)

Nevertheless, they would still like us to spend $15 a ticket and take them to see the new Independence Day in theaters, so they can talk about how much better it is than the first one. (I hear it’s not, but maybe we’ll go see it on budget night, like all new release movies the Wallaces partake of.)

Have you seen the new one? Should we go full-price, bargain-night, or rental? And have YOUR kids or other youths with whom you’ve shared your treasures ever treated you so cruelly?

Angeli by Jody WallaceI have a series about invasive aliens, incidentally. It’s call the Maelstrom Series. I’ll give away an electronic copy of either the first or second volume in the series (the third one isn’t out yet) to the lucky commenter who most impresses my gremlinesque offspring with their comment! Even if it doesn’t have anything to do with the question.

Basically my kids are picking out the winner, so you should try to impress them. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

Also, DON’T FORGET TO CHECK OUT THE OTHER BLOG HOP POSTS!  The list is at the main page.

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Jody Wallace
Smart. Snarky. Seductive. And that’s just the books.
http://www.jodywallace.com * http://www.meankitty.com

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Testing Out Some Science Fiction Romances!

PortalsLargeVol2RedHi gang! I was invited to include a sampler of one of my SFR novels in a series of anthologies called PORTALS where you can download (FOR FREE!) a bunch of first chapters of books to see if you like them. I included a Mari Shu, of course! There are 4 volumes in this series. You can find PORTALS 2 (the one I’m in along with other authors who write red hot) here:

Kobo: https://store.kobobooks.com/en-us/ebook/portals-14

Itunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/portals/id1117074551?ls=1&mt=11

Google: https://play.google.com/store/books/details/Alison_Aimes_Portals?id=8y05DAAAQBAJ

B&N: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/portals-alison-aimes/1123847955?ean=2940152850543

Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Portals-Two-Alison-Aimes-ebook/dp/B01G7RXDY4/

All Romance Ebooks: https://www.allromanceebooks.com/product-portalsvolumetwo-2045466-153.html

Here’s a great article about the origins of the Portals project: https://smartgirlslovesfr.com/2016/05/06/can-you-recommend-a-good-scifi-romance/

There is one Portals volume besides this one already out there, and two yet to come! Hope you find your next great SFR read somewhere in these pages 🙂

Sincerely,
Jody W. & Meankitty
Smart. Snarky. Seductive. And that’s just the books.
http://www.jodywallace.com * http://www.meankitty.com

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What Bloggers and Readers Can Do To Help…Cats?

shrimpsnackHi, Meankitty here. I’ve heard that bloggers and readers are looking for more ways to help authors for free, unpaid street team labor of sorts. I know it’s your dream. So I’ve compiled a helpful list! If you want to help my author (or other authors, I guess, as long as they have cats), here is what you should do.

1) Get a cat. Having a cat will increase your intelligence. If you already have a cat, get another cat. Being more intelligent will mean that you have better taste in books and read faster, maybe, so you can read more. Reading is good — means you’re sitting down and a cat can be in your lap. If she wants to.

2) Feed your cat the best food. Tuna, steamed chicken, select cuts of prime rib — none of that crappy dry stuff! If your cats are happy and well fed, it means you will be happier. Being happier means you have better taste in books etc etc sitting down etc etc petting!

0606writhe13) Build your cat a play yard. Some call it a catio. It should be large, safe, and full of climbing toys, sunspots, comfy perches, mucho grass, and lots of birds. I do understand that not all cats get to go outside, so the catio safe-yard is a must.

4) Pet your cat as much as she wants to be petted. Supposedly this helps your blood pressure or something, I don’t know, but the cat will like it and that’s what’s important.

5) Let your cat eat off your plate if she wants to. What are you having? Make sure there’s a meat and something with lots of butter. Is that not healthy for you? That’s okay, it’s just for the cat. You can eat the broccoli.

6) Make sure your furniture is expensive and satisfying to use as a scratching post. Cheap, hard-to-claw furniture will NOT keep your menagerie of cats happy! They need their claws to be sharp in case they need to defend the household against encroachment or maybe just bat around a half-dead mouse. Don’t worry about what people who come to your house will think. They don’t matter; only the cats matter.

mkmodelnile7) Have lots of cat pans and clean them twice a day! Your cats shouldn’t have to wander all over the house in search of a nice place to relieve themselves! That’s just not humane. I hear that one cat pan per cat is a good idea. Whenever your cat uses the facilities, politely wait until they are done and then clean it. That might be more than twice a day, but you aren’t doing anything else, are you? Well, I guess you can read my author’s books while you wait to clean the cat boxes.

8) What was this list supposed to be about again? Why cats are awesome? It wasn’t? Well, let me assure you, cats are awesome. Have a nice, catty day!

Sincerely,

Meankitty & Typist Jody Wallace

www.meankitty.com * www.jodywallace.com

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