Dear Reviewers

I am sitting here today, tired and worn out after a couple tough family-crisis weeks, and my defenses are down,¬†so I’d like to share something with you.

You probably don’t know me, because I haven’t been either notoriously awful or notoriously wonderful, but I’d really like for you to review my books. I’d like readers to read them, and I’d like readers who are inclined to review to feel completely safe in doing so. Without readers, I may as well spend my time crocheting penises or something.

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I probably won’t READ the review, unless you, for whatever reason, specifically contact me and ask me to, because I believe reviews are for your fellow readers. Reviewing and conversing about books and stories is a Great Pleasure.

I won’t kill you off in a book. I’ve already got my list filled out of people I despise, and you’re not on it.

I will not hunt you down, cyberly or otherwise.

I will not subtweet about you and bestir my mob of fans (HAHAH) to snark on you.

I don’t have a street team, anyway, because the one time somebody suggested it might be a good idea, I asked if I could call them Wallace’s Street Weasels, and that venture pretty much ended right there.

I won’t tell all my editors and writer friends, should you also happen to be a writer, that they need to blacklist you or give you the cut direct.

My mom definitely won’t come after you because she, quite frankly, thinks I could do better. Except at cooking. She’s pretty happy when I do the cooking.

Meankitty won’t make a bunch of memes about how dumb readers are, although she does consider most humans pretty dumb.

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Since your reviews aren’t shrimp snacks, she’s just all, “Whatever, human.”

If your reviews ARE somehow shrimp snacks, I think that’s amazing and you should patent it.

My excuse for this maudlin post is I’m dealing with some un-fun non-career life challenges, and I wanted to focus on something I like about being a writer, which is the chance to share my shizz with other human beings. Not in the stripper way, because I’m tap dancer, not a pole dancer, but in the words and ideas way.

Here is another thing I like about being a writer.

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The fact that Kid2 is now in school instead of doing this to me the whole GD day. AND, now that she’s in school, she’s mad-crazy for reading. Just loves it! I don’t let her read my books, but you can, if you want and if you’re old enough, because some of my stuff’s kinda raunchy.

Sincerely,

Jody W.
www.jodywallace.com