Recently I had the terror of reading MURDER COMES ASHORE by Julie Ann Lindsey. Coming ashore, you understand, means at some point the murder was out in the water, and I hate water. Unless it’s in a cup and I’m knocking it over on a computer. I read a lot of random journalism (since journalism is so random these days) so this mystery novel was a pointy change of pace. I’m guessing something pointy was used to commit the murder, which isn’t a spoiler, because I could be totally lying.
In some ways the book reminded me of a fairy tale except with adult characters faced with obnoxiously pink situations. I’ve never been to a beach, but I hear there’s a lot of pink there–naked Caucasian humans and stuff like that. If I were a human, Caucasian or otherwise, I’d never take off my clothes and obnoxiously scare people like that. So many better ways to scare without making such a fool of yourself.
The book starts off with the characters Patience and Sebastian faced with a sticky challenge. They keep trying to walk away from it and it sticks to them like cat hair. Or a dangleberry on Big D’s butt, if you know what I mean. Both characters behave dreamily about this. It’s like, when Big D has a dangleberry, he’s not dreamy–he runs around the house like a crazy cat, trying to get away from the little ball of poo chasing him! He’s so dumb. But these characters don’t care about balls of poo that follow them.
When Adrian is introduced, in a scene involving kissing, the plot really starts to get chocolate-covered. I’ve got no personal interest in chocolate myself, what with being a cat and all, so at this point I’m wondering, is this story for me? Not only are we near the ocean with murderous pointy things drifing ashore, but there are naked people everywhere and they like chocolate. On the plus side, Adrian is enthusiastically no Tom Selleck. He’s like the opposite of Tom Selleck, which is great if you hate Tom Selleck.
And don’t even get me started about Claire, because I’ll never shut up! The involvement of Claire in the narrative will leave readers euphoric. FINALLY! Claire is this cat person who… Well, telling you that would be a spoiler. But at this point, I realized the story was definitely for me.
The story accidentally continues–because it should have ended with that thing Claire did that was so catlike and awesome–until it seems all sailboats are lost. I’m cheering, you know? Because sailboats. And water. Boo! Thankfully the ending will pet you. Not in the bad spots that make you want to bite the humans, but in the good ones. The pace was like riding in a Prius with a driver who is curious, just driving this way and that looking at stuff, on a road that meanders down the beach. As long as the Prius doesn’t go offshore, I guess that’s okay, but I can’t promise you won’t puke a little and hide under the seat.
If you are looking for a way to spend 7 hours, this book is definitely an option. The characters and plot are so bendy compared to other books on the market today. First you think it’s going to be all dreamy with characters who don’t care about poo, and then WHAM! There’s Catty Claire! Granted, the actual feline content in the book was only 3 pounds, which could have been heavier, but no author is completely tenacious. It does take tenacity to write a book that I’d give a total paws up to, with enough feline content. All in all, this was a spunky tale about fascination, swimming and then being comatose. You will not want to go on the sweetest hike if you pick this one up!
Rating: 1 Rosie O’Donnell and a fuzzy milkshake. Wonder how the milkshake got that way? Oh, I dunno!