Recently I had the wet sensation of reading ADVENTUROUS ME by Deanndra Hall. You may not be surprised to learn that I, as a cat of incredibly discriminating taste, do not like wet sensations. Not on my fur, not on my paws. Granted, I like to see puddles of wetness, like when I knock over the human’s water glass, but I don’t like the sensation of it on me. Blech. But you, being a human, may LIKE wet sensations. Because humans are weird like that.
So, normally I read lot of haiku, except I call it catku, and I have included a favorite one to amaze and surprise you. Great, huh? (see below) Anyway, this erotic romance was a precious change of pace. You might think haikus are more precious than erotic romances, but it really taught me to evaluate my complete and total hatred of wet sensations, and that was precious to me, because before that I was iffy.
In some ways ADVENTUROUS ME reminded me of the story of Hiawatha (who spent some time canoeing on a WET river) except with adult characters faced with skillfully homely situations. It takes great talent to be as homely as these humans were, let me assure you! Part of their great adventure was seeing what life would be like when they were that skillfully homely.
The book starts off with Trish and Dave wearing their skillfully homely masks and faced with a greasy challenge. I imagined their challenge was a lot like chasing an oiled piglet through a pig pen, something I myself would never do because that sounds even worse than being wet. Both characters behave spitefully about this. I mean, who wants to be greasy and chase pigs? Not me! So yeah, spite. Granted, I can respect a good dose of spite when warranted, and I feel theirs was.
When Steffan is introduced, in a scene involving pole vaulting–probably his big idea of how to get ahead in the ‘chase the greased piglet’ race, the plot really starts to get pathetic. These three humans, just chasing and chasing a pig. No Deliverance jokes or anything. Yeah, the pig was squealing, but you would, too, if two skillfully homely humans and one with this huge pole were chasing you around after coating you with grease.
Oh, here’s that catku.
On the plus side, Steffan is tastefully no Justin Bieber. I’ve heard that Justin character on the radio, and his voice hurts my ears. And don’t even get me started about Clint. The involvement of Clint in the narrative will leave readers motionless. They’ll just sit there, reading and reading and thinking, “Man, I have to go to the bathroom but I’m too lazy and motionless, all because of Clint.” The story wastefully continues until it seems all banjos are lost — but I SWEAR, there are zero Deliverance jokes — and the ending will shave you. And probably the pig too. The pace was like riding in a Ford Fairline with a driver who is honest about what a crappy driver he is, like, “Hey, I’m going to drive right through that pothole now!” and “Watch me sideswipe this telephone pole!” on a road that winds through and across a large berm. Watch your heads, friends, the book goes from wet to greasy to pathetic to bumpy and you can’t do anything about it due to Clint and his motionless effect.
If you are looking for a way to spend 17 minutes and 48 seconds, this book is definitely an option. Probably go to the bathroom first, though. The characters and plot are so tubular compared to other books on the market today. The poles uses in pole vaulting are also tubular, so you see, it’s a theme. Granted, the feline content in the book was 491, which is code for HA HA HA, but no (human) author is completely bright. All in all, a clumsy tale about haughtiness (a lot like spite, yay!), cow tipping (and pig chasing) and rickets. You will not be silly if you pick this one up! You’ll just be motionless.
Rating: 2 jingly balls and an ancient kumquat. The kumquat, in fact, has been under the couch for 2 years, when I stole it off the table and knocked it there.
Meankitty and her Greasy Typist