Continuing from Monday’s post, now we’ll hear from Elrond the half-Siamese muse of author Stephanie Osborn. We’ll pretend we never heard her call him a “snuggle bunny”. (The bunny interview isn’t for another week or two. We’re having to prepare a special “hippy hop shield” because we’ve heard the bunny’s a demon, but that’s neither here nor there….
1) So, your human writes books. Does this mean he or she is home all day and easy to access? Elaborate if necessary.
Yes, she iz, an Ai wubs it! Ai kan sleeps in her lap wif da puter or go sumplace else an sleeps if Ai wants. An her is always around 4 noms. She iz a gud snuggler. Her lap is nise. She shaers her cheez wif me 2.
2) How large a proportion of her income do you have her devote to your gourmet tuna, cat beds, toys and other basic necessities?
Ai duzent count much, so Ai am nawt sure. But she tells me dat da main reezon her an Daddy maeks munyz is 2 keep me in treets and kitteh litter. Ai noms lots uv treets, so Ai beleeve her. Ai also gets lots uv gud toys. Mommy playd hoomin pinball (dats wut she calls it) wen she stepd on wun of my mices wunce, an it rolld undur her foot. Her fell ober a box uv buks, hit Daddy in da face, den bounced off a table, hit Daddy in da chest, an landed on da wood part ub da floor. An da mowse wuz still gud!
3) What are your techniques for distracting your human during crucial writing moments, just because it’s fun?
Ai impurrsonate da Tazmanian Debil. Ai runs around da howse an leaves vortisees in mai wake. Ai reely do – Mommy gets kakalogs in da male, an she maeks stacks – reed it, done red it, frow away. An Ai runs thru an dey spins in da vortisees in mid air.
An Ai pounce off da chare she iz in an it spins 2.
Sumtiems wen Ai am tired, Ai just climb up an lie down across her puter.
4) What indignities and neglect have you suffered because of your human’s writing career?
O dey dont negwect me. Ai has noms pretty much wen Ai wants dem. Sumtiems Mommy will wait on da noms cuz she sais Ai dun need 2 get fat, but den later she gibs me noms. Uslly if Mommy duzent, Daddy will, tho.
Mommy is gud abowt not indignifyin me, 2. Sumtiems wen da puter is actin up an she iz mad at it, she maeks me get down frum her lap so she can consentrate, tho. Ai noes Ai am not sposed to tuch da keys wen she is riting. Its ok wen she is not riting tho. Liek now.
5) Tell me about the felines in your human’s fiction. How often do they appear and how big a part do they play?
Dey dont peer offen enuf, but she is wurkin on dat. Nawt all uv her stories wurk wif a kitteh, cuz she rites SF misterys an sum hoomins fink goggies r better 4 dat. She duzent fink so, but sumtiems she cant help it. She sais it has 2 do wif “cat herding.” Ai dunno wut dat is. Ai nebber herd uv kittehs lettin demselfs b herded. She sais ezackly.
6) On the off-chance your human has yet to incorporate cats into a story, what are your plans for making sure she rectifies this egregious error and demonstration of poor writing skills?
O Ai supurrvize her riting. Ai watch her wen she rites. Eber frum her lap or frum da chare arm.
7) What works of fiction or cinema involving cats does your human enjoy sharing with you?
We watch Aminal Planet 2gether, mostly. Ai liek da rawrkittehs. Mom duzent read out lowd much. She duzent watch much teebee neether. Sumtiems she sings. Sumtiems she sings gud, an sumtiems nawt so gud.
8) If you could make one change to your human, what would it be?
Ai wish her had a bigger lap, so Ai kin have moar room wif da puter dere.
Question for pets: Are you happy with your human? If you could tell your human one thing, what would it be?
O yes, Ai is happeh. Daddy an her taeks gud care uv me, and wubs me and feeds me and gibs me fresh litter. Duz Ai only can hab wun fing 2 tell her? Ai has lotz ub fings 2 tell her. Liek, she haz a gud flavor, an a nice lap, an gibs me nice noms, and all kindsa fings. But Ai finks Ai wud say, “Ai wubs u, Mommy. U snuggle gud.” Iz dat 2 fings?
What things does your human do that would mortify it if known? What does your human do that most annoys?
She tawks 2 her charakters. An she fusses at dem liek dey wur reel hoomins if dey dont do wat she wants dem 2 do. An den she has 2 go and rites sumfing else cause dey didnt do wat she speckted dem 2.
An wen she falls down, she duzent do it liek other hoomins. She duz it spectacoolarlee. Liek wen she playd hoomin pinball. Den she walks all funny after, all hunched ober.
Her annois me wen she gets hot an duzent wanna snuggle. U noes we lib in Abalama, an it gets hot here. Ai finks hoomins dont noes how 2 cool off like aminals do.
Did your human name a character for you? Are you pleased? If not, why?
Not yet. Her iz lookin 4 de rite story, Ai fink. Ai dun just fit in ebberywhere, u noes. Ai iz selektiv, an so iz she.
And did your human name you for a fictional character? Hate it or love it?
Yes, Mommy lieks 2 name her kittehs 4 fictional characters. Da kitteh her had b4 me wuz namd 4 da lady in Da King And Ai. Anna libed until her was NINTEEN! Dat an ooold kitteh. Ai am 4 nao. And Ai am namd 4 her fabrit elf in Da Lord Ub Da Rings. Cept Ai am half-Siamese stead of half-Elven – or sumfing liek dat. Ai really am, u noes – half-Siamese. Ai fink it is funny, so Ai guess Ai lieks it. Sumtiems she sais she shoulda called me Agent Smif, cuz Ai liek da rain an geting in da shower-rain. An she sais Ai fling maiself in2 space wifout looking were Ai am gonna land. But Ai liek da name Elrond better.
How do you give your writer new ideas?
O, Ai dunno. Ai jus be maiself, and play, and snuggulz, and stuff. Dat seems 2 wurk guddern anyfing else.