1) So, your human writes books. Does this mean he or she is home all day and easy to access? Elaborate if necessary.
Yes, she is. And whenever I enter the house she jumps up to give me food and cuddles. I can live without the cuddles (that is, whenever anyone’s watching) but I’m glad I’ve trained her about the food.
2) How large a proportion of her income do you have her devote to your gourmet tuna, cat beds, toys and other basic necessities?
She seems to have got the message about buying the decent cat food. Took her long enough. And she bought me a great cat bed. It’s five feet wide and has big soft fluffy things on it called a duvet and pillows. My human likes to curl up on it with me. Unfortunately, there are two young whippersnappers in the house known as Jack and Daisy who like to sleep on it too. I tried hissing at them, but my human told me to be nice so now I mostly ignore them. She used to waste her income on boring toys, but now she finally seems to understand that money is better spent on nice food. The garden is full of fun free toys, like mice and birds—plus it’s always fun seeing my human’s face when she has to pick them up later.
3) What are your techniques for distracting your human during crucial writing moments, just because it’s fun?
I sit outside her office door and chirrup. So she gets up to let me in, and I climb on her lap, absorb some well-deserved praise, then jump down and go to the door to be let out again. Repeat as necessary. One of the whippersnappers, Jack, has perfected the technique of helping her type, which I ought to learn but then that would mean talking to him.
4) What indignities and neglect have you suffered because of your human’s writing career?
She puts pictures of me everywhere. She keeps trying to get me to pose for photos on her lap while she talks to some invisible character called Meester Bond in a terrible accent. I can’t understand her at all sometimes.
5) Tell me about the felines in your human’s fiction. How often do they appear and how big a part do they play?
They’re not in every book. It’s appalling, isn’t it? But her Sophie Green series features a little cat called Tammy, who is based on one of my predecessors (a cat called Candy who died about a month before Spike was born—KJ). She’s obviously the star of the series, although there are an annoying amount of scenes where she doesn’t appear at all, and the narration is devoted purely to humans.
I keep telling my human she needs to rename it The Tammy Cat Mysteries, but she says it’s more about this Sophie character. Why can’t she understand that’s the problem in the first place? She had one book with a fluffy white cat closely resembling me, but no one’s published it yet. Probably because the cat’s part was too small. She’s also written some Very Naughty Books where the cats turn into humans and do all that sweaty heaving stuff humans like so much.
6) On the off-chance your human has yet to incorporate cats into a story, what are your plans for making sure she rectifies this egregious error and demonstration of poor writing skills?
I made her put a picture of me above her desk. In it, I’m looking particularly debonair. This ought to inspire her to put far more cats into her books.
7) What works of fiction or cinema involving cats does your human enjoy sharing with you?
There’s a film called Aristocats featuring a white cat who looks rather like my mother, and a silly little kitten with a pink bow on her neck who strongly resembles my deceased sister, Sugar. We like to watch that one, although the Sugar character makes my human’s eyes leak. There’s also a little black kitten who looks—and acts—like one of the whippersnappers I’m forced to share my house with. He’s pretty annoying, but my human seems to love him.
8) If you could make one change to your human, what would it be?
Well. I’d make her leave this house she shares with her older humans, because they have a Demon Puppy who makes my life a misery. My human keeps telling me that one day when she’s a Best-Selling Author or she’s married to a Very Rich Man, that we can have a nice house together without any Demon Puppies at all. She hasn’t said whether she’ll bring the whippersnappers or not, and I can’t decide whether I’ll allow her to.
Question for pets: Are you happy with your human? If you could tell your human one thing, what would it be?
To stop talking to me as if I’m a human baby. I am a magnificent beast. People have told me so. Sometimes she addresses me correctly, as His Most Spikalicious King Spike of Spikington, but that doesn’t happen very often. She needs to stop calling me Spikey.
What things does your human do that would mortify it if known? What does your human do that most annoys?
She doesn’t like people knowing about the baby-talk. She thinks people will think she’s daft, and she’s right: they do. And as for annoying, sometimes it takes her up to five minutes to answer the door when I’m outside, loudly alerting her to my presence. She seems to expect me to go around to the cat door, but surely she must know this involves getting past the Demon Puppy? Also, if I’m in a bad mood, she tells me to cheer up or she’ll start addressing me as Mr. Fluffypants.
Did your human name a character for you? Are you pleased? If not, why?
She named a white lion for me. He was a very handsome beast. I was quite pleased. She’s also writing a book about a rockstar named Spike, who is very handsome and has different-coloured eyes, just like me. Since women adore him, I’ve allowed her to go ahead with this.
And did your human name you for a fictional character? Hate it or love it?
She named me for a vampire on TV. As if I’d drink blood! But he’s a very handsome vampire, beloved of a blonde female, and he has a massive fan club, so I don’t entirely hate it.
How do you give your writer new ideas?
I sit and look plaintively at the Demon Puppy (from a safe distance) so that she sighs and tells me she’ll work harder to become a Best-Selling Author so we can have that puppyless house. It’s up to her to come up with the ideas.
Note: No photo of the Demon Puppy could be obtained due to the fact it does not show up on film.
http://www.catmarsters.com/ EMPIRE: AFTER THE FALL, Changeling Press: Gold Star award from JERR.
http://www.katejohnson.co.uk/ The SOPHIE GREEN MYSTERIES, Samhain Publishing: “Move over Stephanie Plum, Sophie Green has arrived!” (ParaNormalRomance)